


Maggie

by Grapeofwrath



Category: Benedict Cumberbatch - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-04
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-25 14:27:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/954192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grapeofwrath/pseuds/Grapeofwrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maggie,a twenty-seven year old unlucky in love girl meets Benedict Cumberbatch and falls in love. She thought her life was changed for the better until she meets Tom Hiddleston and the love she thought she knew is questioned. Maggie tells us the story of how the illicit affair started,  just how bad things have become,and what lengths she will go to just to put things right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Reader

**Author's Note:**

> My very first fan-fic ever. This story has been inside of me for a really long time and I really wanted to write it down somewhere. I hope you like it. Well,the least I can hope for is that someone reads it.

Dear reader,

   I fell in love. Then I fell in love again.  
     What was I supposed to do? Should I have let them both go,let each one know that I’ve made a huge mistake,or should I possibly have chosen one? If you were in my shoes,and in love with both men,what would you have done? It seems so easy to pack up and run but both Benedict and Tom became my world. I know I owe you the truth, but not yet. First,let me tell all of you how it started and you can tell me if what I did was wrong.

                                                 - Maggie

 

  It was spring 2012. The flowers had been in bloom unusually early this year which brought a certain element of surprise to my life. It was sort of beautiful the way the frost would cling to the Daffodils in the morning.You really felt like you were drowning in a Jane Austen novel except there would be no Mr.Darcy to save you from yourself. I remember feeling particularly gloomy that day after watching silly American dating shows and realising that at twenty-seven years old, I was alone, and destined to live an eternity with my cats. Listen,there is nothing wrong with living with a couple of cats and calling it love but I wanted the real thing. I wanted the fairy-tale that little girls dream about in their canopy beds at night. I waited so long for my Prince Charming that I fell in love with the wrong guys in the wrong places: pubs,clubs,A&E (don’t ask). I was beginning to lose absolute hope for any kind of happy ending.

 

A phone call possibly changed my life. My best friend,Katie,called from her blissfully single flat and asked if I wanted to go for a night out at yet another pub that would fail to bring me anything but a guileless man with only one thing on his mind (getting in my knickers of course). Like any insane twenty-something desperate to not end up a spinster I said,”Sure”

 

So,I put on my big girl pants-which suspiciously resembled a sexy lingerie set I got early last month-and I decided that maybe going to a pub this time would not make me spend the rest of my night sobbing over the last couple episodes of Downton Abbey.

 

Never in a million trillion years did I think my night would end up the way that it did. I met Benedict Cumberbatch at the pub that night. No, I did not saunter over to him and pretend I didn’t know him. Of course I knew who he was. Everyone with a telly or a netflix subscription knew who he was. I vowed to never be one of those girls cackling at every unfunny joke. I didn’t toss my hair over my shoulder so the light could hit it right. Our meeting was nothing out of the ordinary. It just felt like two strangers in a pub except only one of us happened to be a famous actor with a herd of paparazzi following him.Eek!

 

Besides,it was him who made the first move ;)

 

Later on in our relationship I asked Ben why he chose me out of everyone at the pub that night. He said it was because I didn’t gawk at him like all of the other girls did, but that wasn’t exactly true,you see.I saw him the moment he walked in. Like everyone else,I hovered for a moment,completely enamored with this one man. He’s obviously good-looking but it wasn’t what hooked me. Benedict has an ability to make anyone in the same room with him feel like they matter even if it’s just for one fleeting second.

 

I think I fell in love with him that night.

 

Anyway,we chatted non-stop the whole night. I met his mates who I believe knew what was happening between the two of us by the looks on their faces. We exchanged numbers and just like that the night was over. I really missed him when he left too but he texted me right after he left. I still remember the texts by heart. (Don’t judge me. I am a romantic at heart)

 

**Benedict: It was really nice meeting you tonight,Maggie .**

**Me: It was lovely meeting you as well. I almost didn’t want it to end xx**

**Benedict: Me either. Would you like to go out with me? I am going to be busy for a couple of days coming up but I will let you know.**

**Me:Like a date? xx**

**Benedict: Yes. A date. With me. Is that alright?**

**Me: Yes! I mean yes.yes.Of course. xx**

 

It was fast,sure. There was a first date at a really nice restaurant I would never have been able to get into by myself. Then there was a second date where he came to my flat and cooked me dinner. We spent the entirety of that night clutching our stomach’s in laughter ,and when we weren’t laughing we were making out on my couch. Our third date was a weekend spent on a film set somewhere nestled in the big city lights. It felt like a dream world,my own fairy-tale,and I was Alice caught up in wonderland. If anyone had told me this would happen I wouldn’t ever have believed them. I was just an average girl living and working on the outskirts of London trying to find my way.

 

When Ben returned from shooting his movie,it was pretty clear that we were official. He was all I thought about for two months straight. I missed him terribly when he left. It was as if my whole world paused only waiting for his return to start up again.Thinking back,maybe it wasn’t healthy to be so wrapped up in a man I hardly knew but I couldn’t help my feelings. He was perfect.He was educated (everything my parents would want),he treated me with respect,and he was silly too if silly meant it was okay to act like a fool.Of course,he was handsome,and the sex was the best I’ve ever had.Our connection was deeper than all of that stuff though.What attracted me from the start was that Ben felt like home. He gave me comfort in who I am,love for what I could be,and the feeling that I could always come back. Ben was everything I wanted and everything I never knew I needed.

 

Let’s fast -forward to exactly one year after we met. Imagine life where you are Benedict Cumberbatch’s lady friend and everyone knows it. Benedict’s fans,they like you,and they are genuinely eager to talk to you. You feel special because the world knows your name and you did absolutely nothing to warrant that except for sleep with a man you love. All of these people want to know you. Now I want you to imagine all of the negative attention. There were a lot of girls that did not like me. They called me names like “Whore” or “Gold-digger”. People hiding behind a monitor never realise that we read things and we feel things,you know? I could have handled it. I really could have but with Benedict being away a lot,it became increasingly harder.

 

Not that this is an excuse for what I have done. This is just so you understand.

 

I loved him more than I’ve loved anyone.I was young,thrust into a spotlight that wasn’t mine,and I began to crack. At that point,we were living together, but I was always alone acting more like his personal assistant .

 

_"No,Benedict is not here at the moment. No,I can not relay your message. I am sorry."_

_"He isn’t here. Stop calling. I told you. He won’t talk to you anyway. Our life is personal."_

_"He isn’t here. I am sorry. Yeah,I know. I miss him too"_

 

My job became quite hard when girls younger than sixteen would show up at my office and threaten to kill me.That was a really low moment for me in all of this. I almost lost everything I’d worked for. Benedict came home during a shoot for one day just to console me but it wasn’t enough. I’ve been lucky to have a really good life. I had an amazing man who dropped everything just to hold me while I cried snot onto his suit. I felt selfish for feeling like I couldn’t do any of this anymore. I know I shouldn’t complain but it was the worst I have ever felt up until I made my mistake.

 

Ben’s project was put on hold so that we could take a break and go on holiday together. That holiday saved us. When we returned, I was in a good place mentally and our bond became stronger. I still missed him when he left but I dealt with it. I focused on what I had with him and what I didn’t want to lose.

 

Then Tom walked into my life.

 

 


	2. Don't look down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie meet's Tom Hiddleston and struggles to cope with her feelings about both men

Dear Reader,

     Are you happy? Can you be thankful for all that you have and not expect any more, or any less? Are you happy with the choices that you have made? Do you look at your significant other,all of your friends,and know that you have finally found peace in those relationships? You know, I thought I was going to be one of those happy- lucky girls that could say that. I thought that life was like a movie and when I found the perfect man everything else in my life would right itself. Oh,how very wrong I was. How very wrong ,indeed.

                                                  -Maggie

 

"I want you to meet someone" Benedict said,placing his hand at the small of my back. He guided me across wet grass that left little mud trails across my feet,and ruined the thousand dollar stiletto’s he’d bought me for my birthday last year. He didn’t seem to notice, but then again, he never really noticed anything these days. Ben’s mind was always preoccupied with some movie deal or other. It didn’t make me angry but I spent a lot of my time wondering what was going on inside of that pretty little head of his.

 

"Oh?" I asked,completely disinterested,and still staring down at my feet.

 

I can tell you honestly that I did not want to be there. We had a little row about it on the flight there- _there_  being West Hollywood,California home of the fantastic and the plastic- Ben asked me why I was being sulky and I had a bit much to drink so I came clean and told him that I would rather stay home and watch a marathon of Countdown than come all the way to America to kiss ass. The moment I said those words I wanted to take them back. Ben pretended he wasn’t hurt but I’d kissed every worry line on his face before and I knew when something bothered him. Being the immature cow that I am, I said nothing,and the two flights were spent in silence. Spoiler alert: we made up in the airport bathroom,but we still weren’t okay.

 

Benedict spent the better part of the night nervously showing me around to iconic actors and big name directors that I’ve never heard of before. I smiled and stayed still for most of it,clinging to his arm like a good girl. His worst fear was knowing that I wasn’t enjoying myself and so I faked what I could. For someone who wanted to lounge around in their pajamas all day,and eat take-out, I was really trying to make a different impression.

 

I looked down at the shoes again. They hurt really badly. This was me trying to fit in. This was me trying to make my man happy. This was me gaining a lot out of a relationship while simultaneously losing myself.

 

"Are you alright,Mags?" Ben asked.

"I’m fine. Who do you want me to meet now?"

" He’s an old friend of mine." Ben said. "He has been wanting to meet my fiance"

 

Yes,reader,you heard him right.

_Fiance._   
_Fiance._   
_Fi-fucking-ance._

 

Ben proposed two weeks ago at his parent’s cottage. I won’t complain about it,I promise. It was actually really romantic and sweet. We were all having tea in the drawing room,talking about my childhood,and Ben’s secret love of painting. It was a normal weekday and the weather was quite nice. I wasn’t expecting anything,and then he was there in front of me on his knees. He cried. I cried. His mum cried. His father went off to fetch champagne and tissues and a camera. It was perfect.

 

I know what you are thinking but it never crossed my mind to say “No”. Those two letters didn’t exist when he looked at me. Maybe it was my own fault for wanting someone to want me the way he did. Everything went so smoothly and beautifully that I didn’t argue about what to say. I loved him. If you love them,you say yes. You may say,reader,that I didn’t really love him.Therefore,I should not have said yes to a proposal if he wanted forever and I was not sure I wanted a tomorrow. I know I loved him. I just didn’t know if I was in love with him anymore.

 

"I always get a kick out of calling you that:My Fiance" Ben said,beaming.

 

Oh,dear. That smile could disarm anyone. But it isn’t Ben’s smile I am talking about here.

 

I never saw him coming. You know when someone punches you in the gut and all of the air goes out of your lungs and you’re trying to breathe but it feels like you can’t? That’s what I felt like. He came striding toward Ben and I,his long legs covering ground fast. He wore a beautiful blue suit that matched his eyes. I could not seem to tear mine away. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. He looked at me and in his eyes I saw myself and I was whole. I wondered if Ben could feel the electricity charging the air around us. I wondered if everyone in that whole vast place could feel what I was feeling right now.

 

"Tom!" Ben said,pulling Tom Hiddleston in for a hug." So nice to see you. How are you?"

"Good.Good" Tom said,pulling away." Missing home,you know"

 

Benedict kept talking but Tom’s focus was on me. Every once in awhile he would look back at Ben and agree. I could feel his eyes leave a trail of heat wherever they looked. Briefly,Tom glanced down at my soiled shoes and frowned which had me trying to hide them in embarrassment.

 

"Oh I’m sorry" Benedict said. " I haven’t seen you in so long that I have to tell you everything. So sorry for being rude. This is my fiance,Margeret."

 

"Maggie" I corrected." It’s just Maggie"

 

I held out my hand for Tom to shake.

 

" Oh,I’m a hugger" he said." Come here"

 

Tom pulled me into a hug that lasted a little longer than most. I can’t tell you much about it because my mind blanked but all I can recall is the way his chest felt beneath mine. It was hard like a muscled chest would be ,but it was the kind of chest you wanted to fall asleep in. The physical pull I felt towards him was so strong that I actually tried to clutch the dead air between us when he pulled away.

 

"Mags,are you okay?" Benedict asked,looking at me as if I was a complete and utter psycho.

 

"I’m…well" I said,nodding.

 

" You know,Ben." Tom began" The misses is quite beautiful"

 

"Yeah" Ben agreed." I don’t know what she’s doing with an old horse like me."

 

Gentle laughter reverberated through my bones. I don’t know how I managed to get any words out of my mouth but I did.Tom hung around for a little while, and then just as fast as he came,he went.

 

"What do you think?" Ben asked,watching Tom leave.

 

"He’s lovely."

 

"Isn’t he? We’re thinking about working together again. If all goes well you will be seeing a lot more of him in the future." Ben said.

 

"Lovely" I said,forcing myself to smile.

 

Let me tell you something,readers. Benedict once tied my hands to a bed whilst ravaging my naked body. I was not allowed to touch him or see him. It was the most erotically delicious night that I’ve taken part of.I practically begged for him to do stuff like that again but he is always away, or too tired. I still replay that perfect night in my head when I am feeling a little hot and bothered and it always get’s me going.

 

Yet,somehow the thought of Tom makes those steamy memories weak and disposable. I was more attracted to Tom in ten minutes than I’ve been with Benedict,my fiance,which really worried me. I wanted to avoid what I felt was going to happen, but I couldn’t go back. You may all think that I was looking to deceive Ben from the start but that isn’t true. I hated what I felt for someone I didn’t even know. I hated that Tom could make me feel like myself again. I hated Benedict for not noticing me and realizing what my face looks like when it’s guilty. Most of all,you will be happy to know, I hated myself because in the end it was my choice. I could have stayed with Ben and we could have walked around that party for hours in our blissful lie. I didn’t have to excuse myself to go to the loo. I didn’t have to seek out Tom in the crowd, but I did.

 

I found Tom on the balcony overlooking the lawn where we were all standing minutes before. The easy going smile was gone and in it’s place was one of melancholia. My first instinct was to run up to this stranger,wrap my arms around his middle and press myself into his back. I imagined kissing his back softly ,and he turning around to kiss my lips in desperation. I know my head was stuck in a movie world but I liked it there. Maggie’s movies were the stuff of dreams and happiness and self-love. I removed my left shoe,hobbling around on the cold stone. Tom turned. His face lit up again upon seeing that I was the mental idiot jumping up and down trying to remove those stupid shoes from my feet.

 

" Here" he said,softly." Let me help you."

 

Tom knelt down to the floor. He placed his hand at the back of my knee and slid it slowly down my leg. I watched those long languid fingers and I wished them to reach between my legs but they didn’t. Like a gentleman,he unbuckled my shoe and slid it off of my foot.

 

" Thank you. Really,thank you" I massaged the indents in my foot from the shoe.

 

" Why do you wear them if they hurt you?" Tom asked.

 

I shrugged.” Sometimes women do things we know will hurt us just because it will make us feel better.”

 

"That doesn’t seem very logical." Tom laughed. " My philosphy is that everyone should only do things that make them happy. Are you happy,Maggie?"

 

"That’s a loaded question"

 

Tom raised his eyebrows. “With a loaded answer,I presume. I can’t lie,Maggie. I would sit for hours listening to you talk.”

 

"I don’t have anything interesting to say. I’m not interesting."

 

"Follow me" Tom said,heading to the edge of the balcony.

 

I followed him but only because I wanted to watch his ass as he left. (You can’t blame me. It’s a lovely bum)

 

"I am not too good with heights" I managed to say before swallowing the large lump in my throat.

 

Tom took a hold of my hand. “I wouldn’t let you fall.”

 

He pulled me in front of him,holding my wrists in each of his hands. I felt secure leaning against his chest until I looked down and saw the dark grounds two stories below our feet. No one looked up at us which was fine because I wasn’t going to look down at them again.

 

" Look up" Tom said. " I look at the stars when I am feeling a little lost. It gives me perspective."

 

"Yeah? What kind of perspective? Don’t look down?"

 

Tom laughed, “That too. Maggie, I am under the impression you would rather be elsewhere.”

 

"No" I said." Not right this second."

 

There was a beat of silence before Tom spoke again. He told me to look up at the stars and when I told him that the only stars I followed were that of ‘The only way is Essex’, he put his fingers under my chin, and tipped my head up. Readers, the sky was beautiful in all of it’s inky blackness but that was not the most beautiful thing in my eyes that night.

 

"Beautiful" I murmured. I nestled close to him,feeling all of his body sticking to mine. I closed my eyes and felt his hot breath on my neck. Tom’s hands left my wrists.They slid up my sides and rested on my stomach. His action made us both stiffen.

 

"People always think the answer is in the sky." Tom whispered into my ear. "They look up and see glittering stars and they wish for happier lives,more money,love ,but the stars cannot give them what they want. Do you understand that?"

 

"Mmm-hmmm" I said

 

"Shakespeare once said . ’ It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.’" Tom spoke. " It is our decision what happens in our lives. We are responsible for the bad as well as the good. We have to seize our own happiness."

 

When I tell you that I opened my eyes I don’t mean that I opened them up literally. I mean that I opened them, saw only Tom ,and nothing else.


	3. Trying to forget what you want to remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie and Tom both know that once they start, they can never go back.

Dear Reader,

   I hope you aren’t judging me too harshly now. I know that you are. It’s okay. If I were reading my story as someone else I would loathe the rotten slag with two hearts in her hand, both being crushed beneath the lies. If you’ve stuck it out this far, I thank you. I am not telling you all of this to get it off of my chest.I’m telling you so that you learn from my mistakes. I know it is too late for me.

                                                    -Maggie

 

There’s not much point in telling you what happened after Tom and I held each other because nothing happened at all. He let go. I left quietly and went home to my fiancé with little to no thought about Tom Hiddleston at all.

 

I wanted to think about him, about the way he looked at me, head cocked to the side, biting his lip in a way that drove me insane, but I wasn’t fully committed to cheating on Benedict yet. I was prepared to leave my feelings for Tom in West Hollywood but those feelings followed me home, arriving on my doorstep in a medium-sized parcel.

 

"This ones for you" Benedict said, shoving the parcel at me.

 

We had been fighting again. I  had caught  him openly flirting with a stewardess. Ironic, I know. I wasn’t pissed at him, really, but more at the tart whose breasts were in Ben’s face every time he asked for a drink. He liked the attention. What man wouldn’t? That row led to another row about our sex life, and how we didn’t attend to each other’s needs enough. I shouted that it was because he was always gone, and he shouted that it was because I always had a sour look on my face.

 

1\. It’s not my fault I suffer from the dreaded “Bitch face”

2.Okay sometimes I can be a bit childish and pout..and also yell..and scream and shout when I don’t get my way.

3.Where was I?

Oh yeah.

 

Coming home from America was an experience I wouldn’t want to relive. We’d hardly talked the whole cab ride here, each of us brooding out of the window, watching London, and our life together whiz past us.

 

"Well, aren’t you going to open it?" Ben asked, impatiently.

 

Three weeks. We’ve been engaged to marry for three weeks now. Just thought I would remind you all.

 

I tore open the parcel, keeping my eyes pinned to Ben the whole time. I expertly opened a cardboard box and something tumbled to the floor.

 

" Trainers?" Ben said. He picked the trainers off the floor, handed them to me in confusion, and left the room. I examined the trainers which were a beautiful plum color and just my size . They weren’t mine, I thought. I never ordered anything from the internet. Puzzled, I moved the wrapping and found a note written with big gold lettering.

 

TO MAKE YOUR FEET HAPPY  
-TOM

 

Tom.  
 _Tom._  
The sound of his voice filled up my head.His invisible hands clung to me.A a phantom breath tickled my neck. I accepted in that moment, holding tightly to these plum trainers, that Tom could not be easily forgotten. He was bloody everywhere.

 

Benedict entered the room dressed in fresh clothes . He smelled heavenly . I felt a lurch in my gut. My usual response when we first begun dating was to rip off all of his clothes and breathe him in. I could tell he was remembering similar memories of us rolling around on the floor, our clothes clinging to the photo frames on the walls, and our inhibition lost to the night. “I have to get my hair cut” was all he said, running his fingers through a mop of curly Sherlock hair.

 

I nodded.

 

Benedict’s stony face softened a bit. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again. He did this two more times before giving up, and settling for silence.

 

"I’m sorry." I apologized. The words felt foreign In my mouth. I meant them but everything about it just felt wrong.

 

"Me too, Mags"

 

Leaving a quick peck on my cheek, he walked out of the door, and into the small crowd of teenaged girls that sat outside of our building. They were really sweet, these girls. When we first moved in, I thought it odd for them to just stand there waiting to stare at Ben and bid him a good morning but it turned out that they were pretty amazing fans.

 

As soon as Ben drove away, I went into my mobile, and found Tom’s number hiding in the drafts. I’d stolen It out of Ben’s mobile in America. I never called or texted the number but it felt thrilling to have a secret no one else knew about.

  
In retrospect, this should have been my first clue that I never actually wanted Tom out of my life. The only thing I wanted out of was the guilt.

**Me: Thank you for the trainers xx**

I pressed SEND. I immediately regretted it, and buried my face in my hands. I felt stupid for thinking a single man like Tom would ever be interested in a “misses” like myself. But the proof was in the plum trainers, wasn’t it?

 

My phone pinged: A new text message.

**Tom: No problem. Do they fit, Cinderella?**

**Me: How did you know my size? xx**

**Tom: By chance.**

**Me: Lucky. I’m really bad at a gamble. xx**

**Tom: Maybe you aren’t betting on the right things.**

I didn’t ask Tom what he meant by that. I stared at the screen, listened to my shallow breath, and hammering heartbeat.

My phone pinged with a text from Benedict.

**Ben: I might be a little longer. They have to colour my hair. Is all okay?**

**Me: Yes xx**

**Ben: I’ll see you later. Don’t wait up.**

I began writing a reply to Ben but a new message from Tom interrupted it.

**Tom: What are you doing?**

**Me: I’m just sat here alone thinking about eating a stale biscuit from the bin. You? xx**

**Tom: Thinking about you.**

**Me: What about me? xx**

**Tom: I don’t know. That is the problem.**

**Me: I’m sorry?**

**Tom: I can’t stop thinking about the balcony, about what happened. I don’t know the girl I met but I feel I’ve known her all my life. How can that be?**

**Me: I don’t know what to say.**

**Tom: I want to kiss you.**

**Me: I want to kiss you too.**

**Tom: But Benedict.**

**Me: I know.**

**Tom: I can’t.**

**Me: I know.**

**Tom: But I want too.**

**Me: I know, Tom, I know.**

Tom’s texts stopped there. I waited and waited but my phone stayed silent. I asked him once what he was doing right then while I was waiting and he told me he spent the next hour arguing with a little angel and a little devil on his shoulder.

The devil won.


	4. A lover's complaint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex complicates everything,doesn't it?

Dear Reader,

       I must warn you that this next part of my story is about sex. If it wasn’t the flirting between Tom and I in America that sealed our fate,it was the night we fucked beneath Shakespeare’s stars. I would understand if you’d rather skip over this part. I will not blame  you. At this point,do I even have the right? 

  I’m sorry,I really am.

                                                                                                                                                                -Maggie

 

      I was having a late night fry-up when my mobile pinged with a message. I looked into my empty inbox,recently erased of evidence,and clicked on the lone message waiting to be read. 

**Tom: Say it and I am yours.**

 

     My eyes glazed over the text after I read it over and over again. I’m not going to tell you that I should have replied with a simple  _NO_  and blah blah blah I’m a good girl with morals blah blah blah. You all know by now that I say  _YES_. My body ached for that yes too. There wasn’t anything that could suppress the hunger except for feeling the weight of Tom on top of me.

**Me: I want you.**

**Tom:Okay**

**Me:Now. I want you now.**

**Tom: I’m three streets away. I’ve walked.**

**Me:There is a fire escape at the back xx**

 

          I don’t know what sent me into a tizzy more:knowing Tom was on his way even before I said yes or that Tom’s fingers were mere minutes from being all over my body or even that he needed me the same way I needed him. I don’t know what was going through my mind as I turned off the stove and rushed around the flat, smoothing out my hair, but I decided it to be a good idea to text Benedict a cheery goodnight. It was terrible of me and I cringe when I think of it now. I could be honest with myself and say I did it because I wanted him to stop me,to reach out with his kindness,and pull me back into our life.

 

Benedict never replied anyway. He was most likely catching up with some old mates or something. If he had texted back, I am sure I would never have been able to go through with this. It isn’t any consolation to anyone involved but it’s something to cling to in my mind.

 

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

 

     I can tell you what I did know. I knew I wanted Tom in a carnal way. I wanted to drag my teeth across his skin and taste his sweat on my tongue. I wanted him to beg for me the way I begged for dominating Benedict a long time ago. I wanted Tom at my mercy. I wanted him to take me like an animal. The lust I felt made my brain hazy. I threw on black La Perla lingerie that I received as an engagement gift. It was meant for our honeymoon. I had just enough time to throw on a pretty dress overtop before  _the_  text came through.

 

**Tom: I’m here.**

 

    I took one last look around the place Ben and I called home. The walls breathed everything that was us and everything we were trying to be. There were personal pictures covering every surface and every piece of furniture held a memory in it’s fibers. After seeing all that, I felt nothing. It felt like Ben was gone and Tom was there,filling up the empty spaces. I had become so numb to actual feeling that I shut out the memories completely,opting only to remember twenty minutes of Tom on a Saturday evening.

 

**Me: I”ll be right up xx**

 

  Everything from then to reaching Tom on the roof was a blur. I can tell you that I was sweating uncontrollably,my palms sliding up the rails in the stairwell. I was a mess and not in a good way. My nerves were making my knees go all wibbly-wobbly. I racked my brain for how to put one foot in front of the other and just move but I seemed to glide somehow. The next thing I knew I had swung open the door to the roof and Tom was there.Looking at him was like staring into the sun. (If the sun’s a very handsome tall man with a smile that could melt a cornetto on a hot day.)

 

" Hi" he said,his mouth tilting up slightly. "You look ravishing"

 

 1, 2, 3 ,4

 

It took four seconds for me to launch myself into his arms. Tom caught me. I wrapped my legs tightly around him and braced myself for hot,passionate sex. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t for Tom to deny my kiss and place me gently back onto my feet.

 

 ”Not yet,Maggie” he said. He held his finger up as if telling me to wait then he pulled a blanket out of a bag and layed it across the roof floor. When Benedict bought the flat he had the roof re-done to include a little garden and some fairy lights that made the place feel magical.  We have spent many nights up hear either reading scripts or having a cup of tea, or two ,or three. Watching Tom being so gentle made me wetter than when I tried to impress him with my acrobatic moves.

 

" That’s better" he said.

 

 I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. I regarded his thoughtfulness as something my  life lacked but I didn’t get to think too much about it. Tom lifted me back into his arms which made me pant like a dog (  I did try to hump him moments ago) He placed me gently on the blanket,his hand making sure my head didn’t hit the ground. I rubbed my pelvis against him so he would know that I was ready. His hand slid down the length of my body and came back to the hem of my dress. He fingered the material before sliding it slowly up my body. I closed my eyes when my body was revealed to him but he commanded me to open them. His voice was raw and throaty. I could have came right there.

 

"I am going to kiss you now" Tom announced.

 

   I  meant to lean up on my elbows to make it easier for him but he had already placed his fingers at the back of my neck,his thumb caressing my throat, and lifted me inches from his face. I could feel goose pimples running all down my legs,feel the tingles in my spine . If I didn’t have him inside of me I was going to lose it . No sooner than I thought that,Tom’s wet mouth was on my lips, and his tongue was massaging mine. His plans that night were to take things slow,agonizingly slow,but he told me the kiss changed everything for him.There was nothing gentlemanly to do but fuck me senseless. Tom undid his pants and pulled me onto his lap. I lowered myself onto his cock and moaned as I felt the fullness. His lips were everywhere: my neck,my breasts,and collarbone. His hands moved to support my back as he moved my whole body up and down his shaft. I rested my arms on his biceps to keep myself steady. I felt wild and free,tilting my head back to look up at the stars in the sky.

 

   It was euphoric.

   It was hot

   It was changing me,I could feel it.

 

  I felt alive. The freckles on Tom’s face jumped out at me,lit up by the moonlight. I yearned to stroke each one. The blues of his eyes settled on mine as his thumb traced my bottom lip. I came quicker,harder. It was over and then it started back up again but this time Tom layed me across the blanket. With his elbows as his support,he wrapped my legs around him and entered me once again. In that moment, I thought I knew  what the stars were trying to tell me,what destiny wanted for me, and it was him.

 

 Call me crazy.

I’d call me crazy too.

 

 Afterwards we lay side by side,naked,and without inhibitions. Tom held my hand in his,occasionally bringing it to his lips. I don’t know where his mind was ,or where he went when the melancholia took over. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to tell him it was going to be okay,whatever it was that hurt him ,but he was not mine to save. That,perhaps,was the biggest ache of all.

 

 ”Do you read Shakespeare?” Tom asked.

 

" In college a bit but not now.My reading consists of things I am not willing to talk about" I answered. 

 

Tom smiled. ” There’s this poem by him that keeps coming to my mind. Every time I’m about to do something important it appears,dwelling inside of me,and reciting itself inside of my head. That makes me sound mad. Does that make me sound mad?”

 

" I don’t think so. I once read Fifty Shades of Grey in a bathroom stall while dodging a date. Does that make me mad?" I asked then added "Don’t answer that."

 

 The sound of Tom’s laugh was infectious. It’s loud,slightly obnoxious, but it’s not forced. His humour is one of the best things about him as his his natural reaction to things. When Tom Hiddleston laughs, I dare you all not to smile ,or at least swoon a bit. I felt a lot of my time from there on in was spent trying to make him laugh just so I could hear it again. If anything makes me mad,it’s my need for that.

 

"Don’t you love Shakespeare?"

 

"Of course." He said, "But it’s affecting my work now. I’ve finally found my place in the entertainment world and I don’t want anything to mess it up,you know?"

 

"Well,what makes you think of this poem?"

 

 I knew it was me. I should have felt more guilty,should have let him move on. I should have at least said sorry for dragging Tom into my affairs ,but  I couldn’t  feel sorry when I wanted him so badly. I felt special and important and I was positive he felt the same way. I wasn’t ready to give that up yet.

 

"How does it go?" I ask.

 

 Tom recites one stanza. He is trained so well that it comes out of his mouth effortlessly as if it’s been written on his tongue all of his life. I didn’t listen to the words. I wouldn’t have understood them anyway but it was nice hearing him talk of something that was a part of him. I kissed him when he finished,unable to control myself. 

 

"That was beautiful" I told him,resting my head on his bare chest.

 

"It is" he says "But it’s tragic. It’s about this woman who falls for the dangerous charm of this man and he abandon’s her yet she knows she will always go back to him.  She knows it will never end well but that doesn’t stop her. She is a slave to love and a slave to pain,knowing one cannot exist without the other."

 

"What’s it called?" I asked.

 

"A lover’s complaint." Tom said,quietly. After a beat he added." Well, I have no complaints." and then he moved on top of me,slipping inside of me before I could take my next breath.

 

 

Tom didn’t stay long. He had an early call in the morning and I was worried Benedict would come home and find us. I had done the deed. I had cheated. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared or wasn’t immediately waiting for helicopters to swoop in with paparazzi cameras to catch us. I could picture the front page of The Sun with it’s bold red headlines speaking of the affair. In my head, I had scenarios planned out of how I would deal with it if I was caught but we all know I would crumble to the earth like the piece of dirt that I am.

 

 ”I’ll miss you” was the last thing Tom said. I didn’t say it back. If  I said it back,I knew I could never go back,and that frightened me. I was in pretty deep,I know,but I was always a hopeful girl and an immature peice of me still hoped that I  would stay out of these feelings for Tom and go about my life with my fiance.

 

 

Benedict arrived home at 1.34 A.M. He was drunk,and smelled like women’s perfume and smoke. He didn’t say anything just put his car keys on a table and took off his leather jacket. I could tell he expected me to be angry but was surprised at my passivity. I thought approving of him staying out late was me doing the right thing. I didn’t think he would pick a fight.

 

" Are you just going to stand there?"

 

"What do you want me to do,Ben? Scold you like a child?"

 

"I want it to matter."

 

"It does matter. You’re drunk. Why don’t you go have a lie down then."

 

"Oh,fuck you. I’m not that drunk. Don’t tell me what to do."

 

"I’m not telling you anything. Why are you so angry?"

 

"I’m not" he grunted.

 

"You are. Do you want me to be angry? "

 

"I don’t want you to be anything."

 

"Okay"

 

"Okay then." Ben said. "I’ll just go to bed. Are you coming?"

 

" I am not tired."

 

"Me either."

 

 Ben stumbled over to me. He kissed me on the corner of my mouth. He tasted like stale beer and cigarettes. I should have been turned off after my night with Tom but Benedict was being macho (even if it was a little bit of a drunk asshole bravado) and the minute he pulled me to him I was done for. I was instantly reminded of Dom Benedict so I became like putty in his hands,maleable,and completely fucking useless.

 

"You taste so sweet" he moaned into my mouth.

 

 Ben slipped his fingers between my legs . My knees almost collapsed in on themselves  but before I could fall ,Ben backed me into a wall,one hand beside me,and one hand still rubbing my clit. He watched me come smugly. Girls pined over Ben all the time. He knew he could have any one of them he wanted but he didn’t like that there was no chase. With me,he was always trying to please me and he considered doing so to be the ultimate reward. I reached out to touch his hard dick.You know,return the favour but his big hands grabbed my wrist to stop me.

 

" On your knees."

 

 I obeyed as soon as the words left his lips. For the last couple of months, our sex life has been nothing but missonary style on our bed. While I was not accustomed to being treated like a blow up doll,I loved it every chance I could get. There is something so satisfying about pleasing Benedict.

 

Anyway, I won’t tell you the rest of what happened (sorry!)

 

 All I can say is that we were up the rest of the night and when I woke up in the morning I had no complaints in the bedroom department.

 

Except one:  _A lovers complaint._

 

 You see, Tom’s words stuck with me. Shakespeare was not just in the sky, or inside of Tom’s mouth,but he was in my own life,seemingly narrarating my story . Like the girl in the poem,I would always come back to my lover even when he didn’t want me anymore. Always.

 

But,Maggie,you’ll ask,which lover are you talking about?

 

Reader,one day you will know.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                   

 

 


	5. Hollywood's "Oh shIT" couple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie and Tom continue their relationship. On opening night of Benedict's movie,they decide to push the boundaries without thinking about the consequences . By doing so will they live to tell the thrilling tale or will they be caught red handed?

Dear Reader,

    I felt like my uterus was going to fall out. Before you say “EW” let me tell you that I have not slept with many men in my life. I barely dated when I met Benedict. I never thought I would have a fiance and I sure as shite didn’t think I would have an affair. It sounds quite selfish of me but juggling two men is harder than I wanted my life to be. It was alright when Benedict was away filming ,or Tom was away,but when they were both around,and both wanting to see me,I was being tossed around like a rag doll : A very vaginally sore rag doll. Adding all of the sexual shenanigans to the already existing lies,being with Ben ,and Tom felt like a full time job.

            My relationship with Benedict hit new heights. We stopped bickering as much,he was more attentive, and I let him do his thing. Part of me thinks that perhaps Tom being in my life repaired us. I didn’t care if Ben was being a twat because of the guilt,and while Ben was away,Tom was there to be my knight in shining armour. In a very short time, Tom became really important to me. I wanted him from the start and I got him but I didn’t ask for the great friend he has become to me. For all of the good things in my life, I would gladly take a few more poundings .

                                                                                                                                                                          -Maggie

   

       The red carpet. I hated it. The camera flash hurt my eyes. The magazines,paparazzi and the reporters were sometimes really sweet but there were the occasional shouters telling me to “Smile” ,and “Get away now we want just a picture with Benedict you filthy slag”.

Just kidding.

They never said that.

They might as well had though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood around awkwardly trying to figure out where to go while some man shouted at me like he was trying to herd cattle. At last, I tolerated it because I love Ben,and seeing the joy in his eyes when he sees his fans makes me happy.

 

This time,especially, I enjoyed it really well. It was a premiere for Ben’s new movie that he worked very hard on. It was filmed during a particularly easy time in our relationship and thus brought up only good memories. He was proud. I was so proud of him. All was good and I didn’t mind being harassed just as long as my baby was happy..or my babies.

 

I knew Tom was coming.

 

I know. I know. You probably all thought I was turning a new leaf. You probably all thought, “Well, here is Maggie enjoying a happy moment with her ACTUAL FUCKING FIANCE and not Tom for once”

 

I’ve let you down.

 

I am sorry (Note to self: save apologies until the end of story. You will bloody need them)

 

So, I walked the red carpet hand in hand with Ben. I smiled. I posed. I pretended to be the monogamous mate,a perfect soulmate for my charming leading man. I was asked a few questions in Ben’s interviews such as “What is it like being with the most handsome man here?” and “What do you think makes a marriage last?”

 

1\. It’s as great as you think it is

2.Being faithful.

 

  Yes, I said those exact things. Yes, I am an asshole.

 

We were portrayed as being Hollywood’s “IT” couple. We were the handsome english actor with the sweet girl-next-door working girl from London. “Working Girl” is the term all of the tabloids use when referring to me. To be honest,I think it makes me sound like some page three girl (not that there is anything wrong with that.By any means,get your tits out,yeah?). They said we were glamorous,probably brushed our teeth with cavier or something. In reality, Ben woke up with drool on the side of his mouth and I wore retainers to sleep. Anything but glamorous,really. If only they knew the truth.

 

 

The theater was quiet and dark when we arrived. We settled in somewhere in the middle next to Ben’s director,Aron,and Ben’s best mate,Greg. The seat next to me remained empty until the movie started and a tall figure slipped into it. I didn’t have to look to know that it was Tom. Briefly,his fingers brushed against mine. I could practically feel him smiling at me. It gave me the chills. It has been a couple of weeks since we first met eachother,and I knew him well enough to know what he was feeling when he was next to me. Where Ben was buzzing with energy,his words working fast to catch up with his brain,Tom was quiet,and that boy could eye fuck you like no one I’ve ever met. Never have I thought blue eyes could sink me like a ship but every time I was around Tom I felt myself going down. Figuratively not literally, you filthy readers. My walls went down. I found that I could be myself when nothing was expected of me. I could think more clearly,calmly,rationally,when Tom was near.

 

  Giving in,I looked at Tom as the movie started. His face was lit up in dark blues and light greys,his smile twisting in the dark. He looked hauntingly beautiful like a handsome circus ringleader in a house of mirrors. I wanted to get lost inside of his own walls even if they made me crazy. I looked over at Ben’s face and he was watching me.

 

 ”I love you” he spoke even though I couldn’t hear him. He wrapped his long fingers around mine. I sank back into my seat,staring straight ahead,and very much aware of both men’s eyes on me. You know,most girls would feel uncomfortable but I felt like A Queen. These were my boys. _Mine_. I mouthed back to Ben that I loved him and felt Tom’s fingers lightly clasp mine. We could have been caught,my boys,and I ,but I didn’t care. In that moment,under the cover of darkness,I could love them both,and no one could take that from me.

 

 Halfway through the movie, I felt Tom’s hand leave mine. He unfurled his long body from the chair,and left with only one inviting glance back at me. Of course I followed him. I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to fuck in a bathroom. I kissed the back of Ben’s hand and said something like “I have to use the little girls room” or something really unbelievable like that. When I arrived at the bathroom’s I entered the gent’s and there was Tom leaning against the sinks. He had taken off his blue blazer and unbuttoned several buttons of his white button-up.

 

 That bastard. He knew what those white button-ups did to me.

 

 

"You know" I began, "It’s incredibly rude to leave a movie halfway through."

 

"You didn’t have to."

 

"Oh?" I said,taking down the straps of my dress.

 

Tom bit his lip. “You really shouldn’t do that.”

 

I slowly rolled the skin tight dress down my body. I wasn’t wearing a bra or panties. I felt very brave standing in a men’s loo naked but I was so intoxicated by Tom’s lip biting and his messy hair and white shirt that I didn’t really care who walked in.

 

 

"And what are you going to do about it?" I asked,walking towards him.

 

He watched me while I unbuttoned his pants. He watched me unbutton the last of the buttons, and pull off his boxer briefs. He watched me right up until I kissed his mouth ,hard. 

 

 

"I am going to fuck you until you come." he said,lifting me up and placing me on a sink. "And then I am going to fuck you some more until you’re begging for mercy."

 

 

Let’s compare lover’s shall we? Ben could be rough but he was mostly just putting it in to get his rocks off before we went to sleep. He could also be sweet,slow,and loving too on the rare occasion. It was great sex even on the off days and defintely better than my previous relationships. I never had anything to compare it with until Tom. Tom concentrated a lot and wouldn’t come until I did. He was rough but only when we did spur of the moment things. All the other times he was so careful and thoughtful that it was hard to have sex without him worrying if he hurt me or if it was “too much”.  I craved them both. I craved them all. But what I most liked were these moments of risk. I was never this much of a risk taker without worrying about consequences. I don’t know who I was becoming, I didn’t think she would lead me to the person that I am right now as I write you this.

 

Tom did as he promised he would. He left me wanting more,and more. Neither of us wanted to stop,but we knew the movie would be ending soon and it would be hard explaining to a theater full of people why Maggie Wright was being penetrated by Tom Hiddleston on a bathroom sink. Can you imagine the tabloid cover? A picture of a sink next to a picture of me with a dirty caption about urine and willy’s? NO THANK YOU.

"What are you doing to me?" Tom asked. He put his hands on either side of me and kissed me.

 

"I’d ask you the same thing but-"

 

Both of our heads snapped in the direction of the bathroom door. Footsteps. Footsteps coming down the hallway. Footsteps coming to this bathroom. There was no time to think or to understand what was going to happen. Tom lifted me off the sink,shoved me in a stall with my dress. I sat on the toilet naked,pulling my legs up to my chest. I heard Tom outside cursing and trying to pull his pants up. It would have been really hysterical if it were happening to anyone else but me. I heard the door open,I sucked in my last heavy breath,and braced myself.

 

"Greg!" Tom said.

 

"Tom!" Greg said.

 

"How are you? Are you liking the film?" Tom asked.

 

The sink water went on. I Imagined Tom washing his hands,his face a shade of red,and his heartbeat sounding like a drum at rock concert. Luckily,Tom was a good actor,and  friendly enough to carry a conversation. For a few minutes he talked to Greg about the film (which was weird because Tom didn’t even see it?) Everything else I blocked out until I heard Greg say, “So,where is she?”

 

 

"Where is whom?" Tom asked.

 

"The girl you’ve been shagging in here" Greg laughed." Oh come on,Tom. Between you and I,I think that it’s great. I know how hard your last breakup was on you. Glad to know you’re moving on. I didn’t think you had it in you to pull a girl from the crowd though. Aren’t you worried about the press?"

 

 

Divert,Tom,fucking divert everything.

Lie

Ignore him

Punch him

I don’t care. Just get rid of him.

 

"No" Tom said." I don’t… I don’t know what to say."

 

 

"It’s alright. You don’t have to say a thing" Greg said. "Your secret is safe with me."

 

I heard the bathroom door open and I nearly fell off of the toilet. 

 

He left.

Tom left.

There was the sound of a zip going down and then the sound of piss.

He really left me in here.

 

It was ages before Greg actually left. What do boys do in the loo?? I thought girls took forever,not boys. I crawled out of my hell hole and hastily shoved on my dress. I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized myself. The full responsibility of what I was doing came crashing down around me. I could have been caught. I could have ruined everything.

 

"What are you doing,Maggie?" I asked myself out loud,banging my forehead against the mirror.

 

 Now,readers,this is the part where things start getting a little crazier. I am sure you have all predicted it by now. You may laugh,friend. Can I call you  ”friend”? Well,you may laugh,whatever you are to me. You may be thankful or yell at whatever you’re reading this off of that I deserve it.

 

 

 You’re right, I do. You really couldn’t write my life any more like a movie than it already was. It would probably be more entertaining than Ben’s movie if I am honest. I bet you would all pay to see that,wouldn’t you?

 

 The very minute that I opened the men’s bathroom door who should walk back in because he forgot his phone?

 

None other than Greg Bardet of course

 

_Fuck .My .Life._

 

 


	6. A sign of weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Maggie talk things out.

       

Dear Reader,

           This is not the end. This is just the beginning.

                                                            -Maggie

 

 

  Let me tell you a little bit about Greg Bardet and I’s friendship: There isn’t one.  I am not saying we dislike each other just that we’ve never really had time to get to know one another. Our conversations were kept to a bare minimum of politeness and an overeagerness- on my part- to impress him. I hung out with his family,his wife,and children. Ben invited him to our place for dinner a handful of times but those things never warranted a defining relationship. Greg isn’t someone I would pick out of a crowd to be my mate. That being said, I liked him and I would continue liking him even if one day I found out he hated me. He’s very easy going and he makes Ben happier. You all know my penchant for making Ben happy and miserable all at the same time.

 

So,when I stood there with my just-fucked hair,and disgrace,I was not aware that Greg and I’s relationship was going to be defined in that bathroom. I couldn’t have guessed that Greg Bardet’s first reaction wasn’t to run and tell Ben but to stay and hear my side of things. It just goes to show that you never really know what people think about you until you listen. Open up your ears,and listen.

 

 

"What happened?" was the first thing Greg said. Not "why?" or "When?" or "How could you?" but a sympathetic "What happened?" as if believing that things could not possibly be my fault.  A feeling of serenity washed over me as he sat on top of the sinks and patiently waited for me to answer but it felt more like the calm before the storm. It suddenly dawned on me why my manic fiance needed even-tempered Greg. I like to think that the whole world could do with their own Mr. Bardet and just rid their lives of stress even if for one fleeting moment.

 

"Maggie?" he spoke softly. "What happened?"

 

My throat closed in on me. I couldn’t talk. My eyes welled up,and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I was panicking now at the thought of answering a question I didn’t know the answer to. There was nothing Greg could do for me now. I slid my fingers through my hair desperately trying not to pull it out in chunks. Greg came in front of me and held my wrists down by my sides.

 

" Don’t" I said.

 

"Don’t what?"

 

"Don’t be so fucking nice to me."

 

He let go of me and started pacing around the bathroom. I let my tears flow freely down my face. I hated crying in public places in front of people. I hate crying by myself. To me,it was a sign of weakness,a sign of not being able to handle things on my own,and not the sign of strength that I know it is now. It was very hard to open up like that especially in front of a man who had only barely ever seen me smile.

 

"Will you tell him?" I asked. "You should tell him,Greg."

 

"Do you want me to tell him?"

 

"No" 

 

"I am not going to tell him"

 

"Why would you do that for me?"

 

"No" he said. "Not for you. For him. This would crush him."

 

I leaned against the bathroom wall and slid down to the floor. Greg sat down next to me. We both stared straight ahead of us in silence,him thumbing through his phone and me wiping away tears viciously. It was I who finally broke the lull. I said “What am I going to do?” over and over again until my voice was hoarse.

 

_What am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to doWhat am I going to do?_

 

"Maggie,I can’t tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. You have to be the one to make that choice,you know?" Greg said." I can tell you where you can start. What is it you want from all of this? Do you love either of them ,or do you love the game? Is this thing with Tom only shagging? Do you want him? Once you can answer those questions,you can start to work through this,I promise."

 

"It’s not that easy."

 

"Why can’t it be?"

 

"Because I love them both. I want them both…. I..I don’t know how I can work through that."

 

Greg sighed.” You can’t keep pulling Benedict around like this. I won’t try and stop you. It’s your life but I can’t let you keep doing this to him. Maggie,he loves you more than anything. When you walked into his life,and I am not fucking around,Ben wasn’t Ben anymore. He hasn’t been the same since. He needs you. I mean for fuck’s sake you’re getting married in three months”

 

Yeah,you can see how actual fact get’s lost in the drama sometimes. Three months. THREE. During all of the late night make-out sessions with Tom and the betrayals, I was planning a wedding. I had leafed through many magazines picking out the right wedding dress to wear to meet my groom and i wasn’t even sure which man I wanted at the end of the aisle. 

 

"When did this start?" he asked,gently.

 

"Almost a month ago."

 

"Jesus fucking Christ." Greg said,putting his head in his hands."  Was your relationship with Benedict really that bad? He told me some things but-"

 

"-What things?" I asked

 

"Nothing" Greg said,quickly. "He said nothing you should worry about now."

 

"Tell me,please. He waffles on to anyone with ears but he won’t talk to me" I said,grasping his sleeve. " I thought I was the one with walls up but he’s got a fortress and a bloody moat,Greg."

 

"I know. Look,he only told me that things weren’t well off. He knows you aren’t happy. That’s all he wants in life is to make you happy and he feels like he is failing but he doesn’t know why. Have you seen a change lately? Has he been acting differently?"

 

"Sweeter" I told Greg but that wasn’t all. Ben was more present in our lives mentally as well as pyshically. He was trying really hard to make me a part of his working life because of my willingness to let him leave when I wanted to be with Tom. I knew all he wanted was to make me happy. I knew he would salvage our relationship until the day he died even if I was the one holding the trigger precariously,aiming it right at his chest. 

 

I felt like I was going to be sick.

 

"I didn’t want this."

 

"So,how do we fix it?" Greg asked. "It’s fixable to you,right? You choose which one, even if you love them both, and even if you want them both."

 

"I don’t know."

 

"I can’t help you any more than I already have. I am planning on keeping this from my best friend.It’s not something I am thrilled about doing but your life is not mine to live"

 

"I know. I am sorry. I won’t ask you for anything else" I said.

 

"Three months. You have three months to figure it out" he said,standing up. He held out his hand to help me to my feet.

 

"Greg?"

 

"Yes?"

 

" You’re a good friend. To Ben,but to me as well. I just want you to know that."

 

"I already know" he smiled.

 

I didn’t walk out of that bathroom with all of the answers but I walked out with a friend. 

 

"Oh,and Maggie?" Greg said as we left the men’s toilet.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I want you to hear it from me before you hear it from someone else but Tom Hiddleston has a girlfriend."

 

Benedict came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my middle. I leaned back into him,resting my head against his shoulder, and I closed my eyes. When I opened them,a small tear ran down my face. 

 

I didn’t wipe it away.

 

 


	7. It's Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie has gone without Tom for two whole months. She has no idea what is happening but she is determined to be happy.

   

Dear Reader,

      Two whole months separate last chapter from this chapter. The only thing you need to know is that Tom and I stopped talking.I had no right to be angry with him. I’ve always hated cheaters in movies who think they are entitled to monogamy with a mistress, or a lover.I don’t know why I felt the way that I did. Reader, I love him so much.Do you know what that feels like? Putting my mess of  a life aside,picture in your head what I see in mine. Imagine your best friend,your lover with someone else,someone that can hold his/her hand in public. You are denied their touch,their smiles for the world to see. You watch them together in places doing ordinary things and it kills you. You know that old saying “An enemy of an enemy is my friend?” Well, the lover of my lover is my enemy.

                                                                                                                                                                      -Maggie

 

  Two months.

   A lot can happen in two months ,or nothing at all. I remember a time when two months didn’t fly by us fast,aging us,and turning us all into our parents. When I look into his eyes,time stands still, and doesn’t slip from my fingers. Reader,friend,I speak of them both. They both stopped time just enough for me to feel something,anything.

 Perhaps with Tom gone I was lost.

 

Two whole months.

Where has everything gone?

 

  In exactly one month I was getting married. I had the dress. We’d picked out the church,the band,the cake,and made our guest list an envious thing. The honeymoon was planned:two weeks in the middle of the blue ocean with the sun as our blanket. It sounds beautiful,doesn’t it? It’s what little girls dream of in their Princess crowns and little plastic shoes. So,why was I still unable to think of my Prince and instead spend my time thinking of Tom?

 

I hate Tom.

I threw things at him.

I shouted.

Do you want to know how it went,Reader?

 

  He knew something was wrong. He came armed with chocolates stamped in French,flowers,and his best puppy eyes. Standing on the steps on a brisk afternoon.He was taking a huge risk by showing up there.I didn’t let him in. I reacted childishly by jamming the flowers into the bin,and pelting birds with his expensive French chocolates.

He knew

The whole street should have known.

It broke my heart that it broke his heart, but I was so angry. I wanted to go to him badly. I wanted to wrap him in my arms,drag him inside,and make love to him in my bed.

 

"I’m sorry" he said "I should have told you. I didn’t think things were going to get serious."

 

I glared at him.

 

He continued, “It’s not important.”

"It is to me" I whinged. "How long have you been fucking her?"

 

"It doesn’t matter."he said,wincing at my vulgarity. "Do you love me?"

 

"No" 

 

It hurt him. His face looked exactly like the scene in “War Horse” when his character charged towards his death,eyes wide like a child’s,and cheeks wet with tears.

 

"Maggie,please." he said. 

 

"No" I said. "I hate you. Get away from me."

 

 He left immediately without looking back. When Benedict arrived home from a meeting I was on the floor in a pile,my head tucked between my knees. I told him I’d been sick with fever. Ben asked hopefully if maybe I was pregnant.

 

   I thought Tom would call or sit outside of my building with a boombox swaying in the wind but I didn’t hear from him at all. I kept hoping I would see him out and about,run into him at the shops,but it never happened. I found myself slowly going insane. There were times where I would be staring at a cover of a magazine with his face on it,silently saying all of the things I wish I had said,and begging him to come back. I have made a mistake. It was pathetic,really.

 

  Ben asked if I was okay. I told him I was trying to become more spiritual which is why he found me crumpled to the floor time to time with my eyes closed. I am pretty sure he thought I was a nut case.

 

My mates asked if I was okay. I told them I was nervous about the wedding (which I was)

My parents asked. I  never gave them an excuse. They would know if I was lying straight away.

Ben’s parents also asked.They preceeded to tell me I was hormonal and “Maybe you should take a pregnancy test soon dear.”

 

I needed my curly haired baby back not a newborn baby.

 

Greg noticed as well. He said that even though I didn’t choose Ben,things were going the right way for me even If I didn’t quite see it that way.

 

SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t see it.

 

I didn’t want to see it.

 

   I was at my wit’s end. I was mentally giving up.But then one day,out of the blue,my fiance approached me,and asked if I wanted to go to Wimbledon “even though I know you don’t like Tennis.” but Tom would be there and it really looked as if the movie deal starring the pair of them was going to happen.

 

"Besides" Ben said. "I haven’t seen that fucker in forever. You remember him don’t you?"

 

Oh yes,Ben.I can briefly recall his dick sliding in and out of me on this very couch.I can hardly remember his long,milky-white thighs,or muscular calves that wrapped themselves around me,bringing himself deeper inside of me. I don’t think I remember his kiss or the way his hugs felt ,or falling in love with him.

 

"How could I forget?" I’d said,offering up a warm smile.

 

 So,Wimbledon. Does it come once a year? Fuck knows.

 

   I curled my long  hair,slathered make-up on my face,slid on my fuck-me heels,and a pretty revenge dress that made Ben’s jaw drop. I didn’t do it for him or the cameras or all of the other wealthy celebrities. I did it for Tom. I wanted him to be jealous even though I knew he was above that. All I really wanted,in the end, was for him to see me and to know that I was sorry and that I had loved him all along.

 

 We arrived with all eyes on Ben and I as usual but the only eyes that mattered were blue, and had snapped up as if sensing my presence. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. My heart began beating faster.It felt like every part of my body became aware of how close he was. My body ached for him to touch me again.

 

 Standing next to Tom (looking every bit as bored as I felt if I might add) was a pretty blonde. She looked smart but also dumb as rocks if that makes sense. I don’t know. Maybe I am still angry about it. She was different than me is all I will say.

 

 As soon as we locked eyes,Tom grabbed his girlfriends hand,and dragged her through the crowd of spectators. His eyes never left mine. Honestly,it felt like the first time we met all over again. I never was able to understand the magnetic pull I felt towards him. I still don’t even know now.

 

"Ben!" Tom said,smiling his mega-watt smile." Hello,Maggie, How are you?"

 

"Alright" I said,grabbing Ben’s arm.

 

Tom saw.He looked down at the ground. When he looked back up his smile was gone. “Maggie,can I talk to you in private?” he asked.

 

Surprised by his forwardness, I couldn’t get the words out. It was Ben that spoke for me,asking what could be so private at a public function such as Wimbledon. I knew Ben was joking around but there was something deep down inside of me that felt maybe he knew something was going on.

 

"I need to go over some things with her" Tom told Ben. " A surprise..of sorts..I need a girls opinion,I’m afraid."

 

"Oh" Ben said,glancing happily at Tom’s girlfriend. "This must be your girl."

 

"Holly" Holly and Tom said at the same time.

 

"Holly. Lovely name. Shall I escort you to the seats?" Ben asked. He held out his arm for her to take. She looked at Tom ,and then me,narrowing her eyes.She accepted Ben’s arms and said "Sure" in a sweet American accent.

 

"It can’t wait?" I interrupted in a voice I’m terribly afraid sounded obnoxiously loud and brassy.

 

"It can’t" Tom said,watching Holly and Ben leave.

 

"What do you want from me?"

 

Tom firmly took my elbow and led me away from the startings of a match. No one seemed to see us,they were all paying attention to the game. If they had seen us,they would see Tom Hiddleston’s hand  move down to my back and my face with a look of pure terror. He led me to a corner where food was set up for private guests like us,and where no one would come to look.

 

"Hear me out" Tom said. " Please. It’s all that I ask."

 

“ _Tom_.”

 

"Please. I’ve left you alone per your wishes for two months now. I am going mad. Listen to what I have to say. If you don’t like it, I will leave you alone forever. I’m not taking this movie deal. I came here today only to tell Ben that I can’t work with him because I am in love with his future wife..I..I’ll find different work..I’ll.."

 

"Stop."

 

"Okay" he said without hesitation. "I’ll go."

 

"No!" I said,grabbing his hand and pulling him back. "What did you just say to me?"

 

"That..I won’t be taking the movie…" he began

 

”..because you’re in love with his future wife.” I finished. “You’re in love with me?”

 

"Yes.I am. I  thought you knew"

 

"In love? Not just love? Because they are two very different things with different meanings. You love kittens and tennis matches. You fall in love with someone you can’t be without..you.."

 

Tom grabbed both of my hands in his. “I am in love. Maggie,I am in love with you.It’s what I wanted to tell you two months ago if you’d have let me speak.”

 

"But..Holly,your girlfriend…You lied to me."

 

"You never asked." he said. "I don’t..I am not proud of any of it. I got stuck in something that I couldn’t get out of. I never wanted to hurt anyone."

 

"I know what that feels like."

 

"What do we do now?" he asked. "I can’t go another day without you in my life ,but I also can’t keep living like this. I want you. I want no one else. Can you say the same thing?"

 

I stared at him blankly. I knew the day when only having me sometimes wasn’t going to be enough for Tom. I knew he wouldn’t always want to be “The Other Man”. I thought I would have been prepared for this, but I’ve never felt so unprepared for something in my life. I was unable to speak.My tongue felt stuck to the roof of my mouth.My throat felt like it was closing up.

 

"Are you in love with me?" Tom asked.

 

I nodded.

 

"Do you want me the way that I want you?" 

 

I nodded again.

 

"Then it’s time,Maggie."

 

I began to feel light-headed. My skin was clammy,my breath was shallow,and I felt like I was going to pass out. When I blinked, I saw two Tom’s in front of me. I saw four blue eyes wet with concern.

 

Then everything went black.

 


	8. Do wrong to none

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie doesn't remember much after blacking out. She passes the story onto Tom who can fill in the parts where Maggie cannot.

      

Dear Reader,

      Your first thought might be that I am pregnant. I am sorry to disappoint you but I wasn’t Sure,it would have made a really juicy chapter. I could have written about how I may not have known my baby’s true father but I was optimistic about my future with both of them. If only life was written the way a book was:lengthy,interesting,and always with a resolved ending. I could write my books by banging my head on this very keyboard and it still wouldn’t have a more fucked up life than my own. I must be honest. I too thought I was carrying a child. With all of the baby talk buzzing about me, I was convinced that a little person was growing inside of me. It would have also been nice to have something to blame for my behaviour . You know,the more I thought of my phantom baby on the way to the A&E the more I wanted it to be true. Perhaps it wouldn’t have turned out as badly as it did.

                                          -Maggie

 

 

  
     I was told that Tom caught me mid-fall. I never thought that the first time he would sweep me off of my feet I would be unconscious with drool running down my chin. I don’t remember anything so I will try to describe it the best that I can. No one witnessed me pass out,seen my eyes roll into the back of my head ,or heard Tom’s plea for help. It wasn’t until he carried my body into the crowd that people started to see us. Heads swiveled,voices mumbled,and a few camera flashes went off. I have seen the pictures. We looked like the front of a superhero DVD cover with Tom as the sweet superhero and me as the damsel in distress. From there, I was rushed to hospital with Tom by my side and Benedict and Holly trailing somewhere behind. I woke up briefly on the ride there. I reached out for someone’s hand and Tom moved in to my line of vision .The ambulance light covered his head like a halo. My initial thought was that I was dying or already dead and there was an angel looking down upon me. It seems silly to consider this but I think that I was happy. Anyway,no use clinging to such things.

 

  The next time I opened my eyes I was lying in a hospital bed. Benedict was on my right,Tom on my left,and Holly standing outside of the curtain. I looked first at my fiance. He looked older than I’d ever seen him. His eyes were puffy and red,his fingers nervously touching everything. When he saw that I had opened my eyes he broke into a choked sob. I felt indifferent. I don’t know if I was worn,tired,or high on something but I felt no feelings. I looked at Tom,at his equally red eyes,his turned down mouth,and I responded. I was aware of everyone’s eyes on me as I looked at Tom and I took his hand. I didn’t care. All I wanted was my angel.

 

"I think she should get some sleep" Ben said.

 

He was talking specifically to Tom.I remember that clearly. He didn’t look at Tom. He gave no indication it was to Tom ,but I knew that he wanted him gone. I looked at Benedict in a way that made his eyebrows go all funny. I don’t know if I looked angry that he should suggest a thing ,or sad that he was taking Tom away from me.

 

" Maggie?" Ben said,stroking the side of my face. " You need to rest."

 

"I don’t want to rest."

 

"Tom,we should leave" Holly suggested,peeking her head inside of the curtain. My sober self would have remained quiet but this girl laying on the hospital bed with an IV stuck in her arm wasn’t me and she cursed Holly out. It mustn’t have been pretty because someone had to come in and calm me down. I cursed her out too, and when I didn’t comply,she kicked out my visitors and told me I could choose only one to stay with me.

 

Yeah,I know.

Imagine that.

 

You can see where this story is heading,reader. I cannot tell you what happened the rest of the day. I want you to know,to see,to understand,and the only way to do that is to hear it from someone else’s point of view,from someone who was there.So,without further introduction,here is Tom Hiddleston’s account of that day,and I will see you in the next chapter!

 

 

 —————————————————————————————————————————————

 

     Dear Reader,

        Am I doing this right? I feel terribly out of place. I feel as if I am talking to no one.If you are listening, I want to tell you how much I am sorry for my actions. We all apologize from the bottom of our hearts. Things could have went about a different way,sparing the feelings of those we love. I say to always live without regrets to my fans and you shouldn’t, but  to live without regrets is also to live without love. You don’t hurt the ones you love. In the wise words of William Shakespeare, “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none”

                                                 Love,Tom 

 

 

Did I want Maggie to choose me? Unquestionably. Did I wait with bated breath as she quieted down and took the good ladies words into her mind? I did. Like Benedict,I clutched onto her emotionally. I was chained up inside of her waiting for her to let me go but also to let me be the only one to stay in her lover’s trap. It is awful of me to not look to my girlfriend,Holly,in those moments.  I should have took Holly home and waited around for my mistress to call. I should not have stayed. I should not have been chosen.

 

" Tom" Maggie said shortly.

 

Not a one of us moved. We leaned in to hear her better but that’s about it. It was only when Maggie repeated the answer that it went through our brains what she had said. My name. Me. Tom.

 

 

"Alright,Tom it is then.All else will have to leave."

 

The look on Benedict’s face made me want to cry. He looked every bit as confused as Holly felt ,but she only felt half the pain. I knew how much he loved her because i loved her that much too. I wondered if I would look as destroyed as he did if it wasn’t my name forming between those rosy lips.

 

"No" I said "I’ll leave. Ben, You stay."

 

"No!" Maggie shouted." I don’t want him .I want you. Please stay ,Tom.Please just stay here with me. Don’t leave me,baby."

 

"Baby?" Holly said,the word stinging her tongue.

 

"Can you give us a minute,Holly?" I snapped. I didn’t mean to. As a man of optimistic nature, I try not to let anger diminish me but I felt chewed down to the wire. She called me baby. She never called me baby. Baby was her pet name for Benedict.

 

"No.I will not give you a minute,Tom."

 

"Just leave,cunt" Maggie shouted.

 

It turned into chaos. Maggie lifted herself off of the bed ready to fight Holly. Benedict held her down.She was weak and it didn’t take much to confine her ,but Holly was homicidal. She flew across the room in a blonde blur,her arms outstretched,her mouth in a grimace. I grabbed her in time and pulled her away. I still heard Maggie yelling as I dragged Holly down the hallway.

 

"Are you with her!?"

 

"It’s complicated."

 

"I knew it! The way you look at her. You’re fucking crazy for getting involved with that mental bitch."

 

"She’s not mental"

 

"Tom. Are you serious?"

 

"Perfectly serious,Holly. She isn’t mental. She isn’t a bitch.She isn’t anything you have to worry about"

 

"Oh my God. Are you in love with her?Oh my God,you are. Look at you.Holy shit.Holy fucking shit. You asshole!" Holly said,slapping my face. "If you love someone else,why are you with me? Why didn’t you dump me?"

 

"I don’t know."

 

"Bullshit,Tom. Were you scared? Did you think it would end up better?"

 

"I didn’t want to hurt you."

 

Holly’s face deflated. I was first attracted to her because she had a kind face.It was the sort of face with a thousand expressions,each one as beautiful ,and as lovely as the last. We weren’t the right fit from the start. It seemed as if we had stayed together because it was easier than  parting ways.I’ve always been appalling at goodbyes. I enjoyed her company too. I believe we could have made it work one day if I never would have laid my eyes on Maggie. Maggie was perspective. Maggie was the question mark after every why not. She was what I had been waiting for. She was my last goodbye.

 

"How could you think this wasn’t going to hurt me?" she asked,tears falling down her face.

 

 I wanted to release Holly. I poised myself for it. Many times I went to say the words and nothing came out. She would look at me with all of her faces and tell me that I was wrong,that Maggie would never choose me. I was scared.Hell,I was petrified. I lied to both women because of my own insecurities and now I was losing them both because of the very same thing.

 

"I want to give you the truth." I said,pulling her into an empty corridor.

 

"Don’t you think it’s too late?"

 

"Only for us." I said. "And I am so sorry for that,Holly.I don’t deserve you. At all. You’ve been nothing but kind to me,and honest,and brilliant. I wish I could say I did the same for you….I am in love with her. I love her with all of my heart. I can’t think clearly when she isn’t with me. I can’t..function without her and I-"

 

"-That’s enough" Holly said. She wiped the tears hastily as they spilled from her eyes."You’ll realize one day,Tom,that she’s not yours to love."

 

"I already know that"

 

"You don’t. Because if you did you wouldn’t be here right now."

 

That was the last time I saw Holly. She went to my flat to retrieve some of her things,she changed her number,and vanished from my life. I had no right to have any mournful feelings about it. I accepted it. I dealt with it the only way I knew how which was to put myself fully into my work and ignore the stories and things people believed to be true. I watched her walk away from me,a warmth emanating from my chest. It spread itself all down my arms and touched the saddest parts of me. I was a free man. The only thing left was to have Maggie and I mean really have her all to myself.That worked out to plan in my head but it was hardly the reality I was facing. I turned the corner figuratively and literally and there was one man staring back at me and he wasn’t me.

 

Benedict.

 

We’d been friends for a really long time. We met and there was an instant connection that one doesn’t find on movie sets too often. Ben became  the brother I never had. I looked up to him.I went to him with all of my self-doubts and when I was in need of an opinion. I loved his work time and time again and I respected everything he did. I was a constant present in his life for years.We’d built up a solid trust,solid enough for him to introduce him to the woman he talked about non-stop.I could never anticipate us ending up here in a hospital months later,face to face,my secret etched upon his face.

 

I expected the punch that came. I bled onto the white linoleum. My blood was in my hair,my clothes,Ben’s fists. I expected to feel the rush of pain that one expects when being punched in the face but no pain came. I clutched my nose,bracing myself for him to hit me again but he took his fists and leaned them against the wall. He remained in that pose for several seconds,his head hung low. I could hear him silently weeping.

 

"I knew" Ben said,lifting his head.

 

How could he not have? We weren’t very discreet. He would leave,I would arrive. There were moments where he almost caught us,little thrills that left us wanting more risk. Greg knew.I don’t think he told Ben but wouldn’t you know your best friend’s secrets even if they never reached past their lips? We were fooling ourselves all along.What surprised me most wasn’t that he knew the whole time but that he knew and watched it happen. He said nothing,reacted to nothing,and that told me more about the man I thought I knew.

 

"You didn’t want to lose her." I said. 

 

Ben shook his head. ” What does your beloved Shakespeare have to say about that?”

 

"No one can apologize for me."

 

"Well,I don’t want your apology."

 

"I understand."

 

"I want you out of her life. For good. I don’t want you to talk to her,look at her,touch her,fuck her….love her.."

 

 

"I can’t promise that last one" I said,feeling sick.

 

 

"I don’t really give a fuck" he said,throwing up his hands.

 

 

 It ends there. I watched two people walk out of my life the way Maggie first watched two people walk into hers. Whatever the end result,readers,know that I love her and I will fight for her.

 


	9. LIE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie and Benedict leave everything out in the open,all the secrets,and the lies.

       

Dear Reader,

            The Sun,Daily Star,and the Mirror got their grubby hands on photos of my release from hospital. Because there wasn’t any concrete story,they spun candy floss lies about Wimbledon,and Tom. The ongoing story ran on every gossip site on either side of the ocean. No one cared after a day had passed because nobody actually believed I was on drugs ,and fucking Tom Hiddleston just to pay for my dirty habit as most suggested. The real reason for my fainting spell was far less newsworthy and far less cause for concern (Dehydration/Anxiety/Stress).  
                What happened inside of the hospital remains a secret shared between four people. Seeing as the truth makes us all look like a round of twats,there was no question as to how to go about things.

                                    LIE

                                                                                                            -                                                         -Maggie

 

 

   He was smiling. A gentle caress,a loving peck on the cheek,and a polite opening of a car door later,he was back to scowling again.

                       LIE about your feelings.

                       LIE until you can’t feel anymore.

 

            We hadn’t spoken since the night before. As soon as he re-entered my room I knew by the devastated look on his face that he knew.I wanted him to react but there really was no reason to, I guess. Maybe he couldn’t find the words to say what needed to be said. Maybe Benedict just didn’t care enough to talk about it. We spent the night drenched in uncomfortable silence,the ticking of the wall clock as our only contention.

 

        I began to feel more like my relaxed self during the night. The anger slipped away as did the invincibly reckless feeling the IV drip gave me. I felt heavy,the weight of what happened suffocating me. I needed to know exactly what happened,what words were exchanged,what bonds were broken,but I could not articulate any of my thoughts. I was ashamed. It’s humourless how we don’t show we care until everything we need comes crashing down around us. Nothing seems to change anything until we are left with no choice but to face the demons that haunt us.

 

     I waited until Ben fell asleep on the chair beside my bed to look at him for the first time. I’ve always loved the way he looked while he was sleeping as if his dreams brought him closer to being a carefree little boy again. He looked so young,so innocent,and incredibly beautiful. I had stroked his hair. He moved slightly,his chest rising and falling,his mouth sucking in tiny gasps of air.

 

   You wouldn’t believe me but I had never loved him more than I did right then. I was losing him. I wanted to cling to every available piece of him that I could. I’ve always loved him,Reader.You know that,don’t you? This time I loved him a little bit more for everything he wasn’t and would never be.

 

   When Benedict woke in the morning,he still didn’t talk to me. He took care of everything so I didn’t have to. He called my parents,my best friend,his parents,and told them all that I was okay. Like a loving fiance,he promised them he’d see me home safely. He didn’t have to do it,but he did.

 

                       We walked out of that hospital with all the pretense in the world. Camera bulbs blinded us. Strangers shouted at us but still we smiled.

                       Everything is okay.

                       We are okay. Just look at us.

 

       I thought Ben’s wrath would happen in the car ride home right after his smile faded. I waited for him to take charge and tell me that he wanted me out of his life,to pack up all of my clutter,and GO. He said nothing. It was too quiet. It was far better than I deserved.

 

      I began to cry. I did not want pity. I did not want Ben to feel bad. I didn’t want his attention or his diction. I couldn’t help it,and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t cover them up like I have before because the tears fell faster than I could wipe them away. The crying soon turned into loud sobs that wracked my entire body. The sound amplified in Ben’s tiny car. He didn’t even look at me. I looked at him but I couldn’t really see him. He sat stony-faced with one hand on the wheel,and the other rubbing his thigh. His mind seemed miles away in a place where no one,not even me,could reach him.

 

      The dead air ceased between us as soon as we walked into our home. It felt like every issue we had dredged itself up,and filled the room. I silently begged him to pick any one thing out of the air,anything at all,but the one I didn’t want to talk about the most.

 

         Call me cowardly,go ahead. I know I am. I’ve always been. I’m selfish,too.

                     SHAMEFUL

                          STUPID

                                  MEAN

                                       MORONIC

       There were few good things I had to say about myself. There is nothing anyone can hurt me with,anyone except for Benedict. He was the only person in this entire world,including Tom, whose opinion of my self mattered most. I fell in love with him because he made me feel more like me than anyone ever did. He didn’t give me my sense of self,that isn’t what I am saying,but he made me understand my place in the world.So,I cared about what he thought of me.

 

    Benedict sank into a chair,put his head in his hands,and stayed in that position until I made a move towards him, and the floorboards beneath my feet creaked. His head popped up ,and his eyes settled on me as if observing me for the first time in hours. I sat down across from him. There was a staring match until I bravely (for once) took responsibility for my actions and spoke up.

 

"I can’t say that I am sorry" I began. "Because if I wasn’t sorry when I started what I did,I shouldn’t be sorry now. Sorry won’t save anything,anyhow. Sorry..it’s just one word and you deserve more than one explanation from me. I know you don’t want to hear me say anything right now and you probably want me gone but I want to get this off of my chest and-"

 

"-Get it off of your chest so you can no longer be liable?" he asked,his voice was breaking.He kept going, " Would it make you feel better to say the things I don’t want to hear than to not say them at all? Answer me honestly.Don’t lie to me."

 

"Yes.It would."

 

"Continue" Benedict said.

 

      I crumbled under his scrutiny. I forgot my train of thought,forgot my recent bravery,and definitely forgot the way he became when he was angry. Those eyes bore into mine,hard,and painful. Ben’s eyes were expressive when he was angry but more so when he was hurt and right now he carried all the pain in those beautiful eyes. They looked at me. They dared me to admit the truth. I gave those eyes what they wanted whether or not it would tear us both apart.

 

 

"I don’t think you and I are meant to be" I said "I thought we were,Ben,but you are not the person that I need. I love you…I love you in the way that I care if you live or die, but I am not in love with you. I fell out of love with you long before Tom arrived and I think you know that. We aren’t the same people we were when we first met. You made me stronger,happier with who I am,and I wouldn’t have been okay if I never found you,but I think it is time to move on now. We want different things. We need..different things."

 

"Don’t tell me what I need" Ben said.

 

"Okay. Then you tell me what you need and I will do my best to give it to you but right now I-"

 

"-I need you."

 

"Ben,love…"

 

"Don’t try and patronise me."

 

"I’m not. I just…I am trying to tell you why I did what I did."

 

            Ben shook his head.” Nothing you say will make this alright,Maggie. Do you understand that? I didn’t bring you back home so you can explain to me why you snuck off to fuck one of my good friends or why you felt the need to continuously keep building this life with me when your intention was always to leave me. Our wedding is now thirty days away. Not only have you caused embarrassment for those involved but you put a lot of people who care about us in a really tight spot. You were so greedy,so fucked up,that you don’t quite understand what happens to everyone after you run away from your problems. I believe you when you say you’re sorry,I do,but I don’t believe you when you sit there and tell me that you don’t need me like I need you. What is it? You want us both? “

 

"No!" I scoffed. "Of course I don’t"

 

"Entertain me."

 

"I don’t" I said,forcefully. Then a little bit more softly I added, "know. I don’t know."

 

"That makes two of us"

 

        Benedict stood up. He went over to our mini bar and poured himself a drink. He tilted his head back,threw the amber liquid down his throat,and swallowed.He poured himself another and did the same thing.He hardly ever drank when we weren’t in social situations.

 

" Do you want your ring back?" I asked. I looked at my hand but the ring wasn’t there. I looked at Ben in a panic and saw him hold up the ring between his thumb and index finger.

 

" You left it on the sink" he said before shoving it inside of his pocket. "Do you always take it off before you see him?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you really love him,Mags?"

 

"Yes."

 

"More than you ever loved me?"

 

"I don’t know."

 

"You don’t know?"

 

" Since we are being honest,It feels the same"

 

"Impossible."

 

"No" I said. "You’re both..different..There is a difference within me in the person I used to be with you, and the person I am now with him.You both have come when I needed you most and I cannot forget that. I love you both very much."

 

" Are you in love with him?"

 

"I am in love with him."

 

"But not me?" he asked,tipping another glass down his throat.

 

"No"

 

"I don’t believe you"

 

"Believe what you want"

 

"It seems I always have."

 

"You aren’t as upset as I expected you to be." I said,after a beat.

 

"Oh? You may have thought you were doing me a favour when you were sneaking around behind my back but I knew the whole time.You are astounded. Did you really not suspect?"

 

"I suspected you weren’t stupid. How long have you known?

 

Ben shrugged.” I saw you on the balcony that first night. I didn’t actually think anything would come of it other than a harmless crush,mind you,but there it was staring me right in the face. I never knew when or where you met up or anything but I had an idea. I knew for sure because you told me”

 

"What? I never told you anything."

 

"But your body did. The way you smelled faintly of sex. The way your skin glowed when you walked in the door from "shopping" . The way your eyes lit up when you saw him. The way your skin felt as if it waited for his touch and his touch only. Shall I go on?"

 

I felt tears spring to my eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

"Honestly? I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Sound familiar?"

 

    I was feeling dizzy again so I sat down. Benedict came over to me with a glass of water and told me to drink. Then he sat down across from me again. I took a long sip,almost wishing I could drown myself in those two inches of water.When I took the glass away from my face he was watching me intently.

 

 

"This isn’t how i imagined things would go" he said. "I thought we would grow old together,have children someday,be happy. Never imagined I would be sharing my fiance with another man."

 

"Well,it’s over now. You don’t have to share me any more. I will pack my things and go"

 

"What makes you think I want you to go?" Ben asked.

 

"Are you serious?"

 

"Very."

 

"What do you think will happen? That I continue with the wedding after all I told you?"

 

"No. I know the wedding is off" he said. "But I am not ready to give you up yet. Can you look at me right now and tell me that you are completely ready to walk away from this? You stayed for a reason .Otherwise, you would have just left with a clean break.No guilt in this world could make someone as stubborn as you stay where you know nothing can be done. There has to be something in you that is telling you what you already know. You love me more than you are letting on. Am I right?"

 

"Even if-"

 

"-Am I right,Maggie? We can worry about the rest later but tell me right now. Are you still in love with me? Forget about Tom. Right here,right now,Tom does not exist. It is me and you now,baby. Are you in love with me?" Ben asked.

 

                 LIE

 

     Reader, I wanted to continue sticking to the lies. I don’t know how I survived this long keeping any of them straight. I felt so naked in front of Benedict,his truth stripping everything away from me that I couldn’t tell him anything he didn’t already guess.

 

"I am." I said.

 

"You are what?"

 

"I am still in love with you but-"

 

"-But when it comes down to the pair of us,you’re not sure you would choose me. Yeah, I know. That is what you’re so afraid of. Is it not?"

 

I nodded slowly,wondering how in the fuck he was seeing all of this so clearly.

 

 

"What if I told you that I don’t care?"

 

"I’m sorry?"

 

      Reader, I am going to stop this here.

 

     I will first mention that Benedict never answered me. I could literally see the Sherlock-esque ideas forming in his mind,each one as resolute as the last. He grew very still,and extremely agitated when I kept asking him what he meant. I left him to his own devices,and packed up my things anyway. When he was done being trapped inside of this thoughts,he hung in the doorway to our bedroom,told me to call Tom,and invite him over.Explaining to you how confused I was will not matter because I am sure that you are just as baffled as I. It occured to me that maybe Ben had lost his mind and calling his mother might be the only way to stop the madness, but he seemed as level minded as ever. I indulged him by calling Tom and inviting him over.

 

    Reader,oh friend,in the words of my lovers muse  ”The course of true love never did run smooth”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Sleep on it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Maggie's past and the beginning of her future.

Dear Reader,

   You are almost caught up to my present time. I’ve written all of this in one sitting, sometimes with Benedict peering nosily over my shoulder,and other times I’ve put my pen down only to find Tom watching me just as closely.If this gives you any indication to how things turn out for all of this,I am sorry to spoil it for you. I am almost done playing catch up,rifling through my back story,and soon I will lead you into my life as it stands now. I cannot say what will happen seeing as I haven’t lived it yet but for a born pessimist I am surely becoming quite the little optimist. Well,here is the last piece of my past,friends.Read it with an open mind.

                                                         -Maggie

 

Tom lives just around the corner. I sat on the couch,staring at the clock,my beady eyes following the tick,tick,tick of time. It was such a short walk that he should have been there at least five hundred ticks ago,but he was still lost in the ether. Ben and I sat in a soundless bubble,both of us looking at anything but the other person. Our moods were stable,normal. There was no anger lingering in the air and I couldn’t put my finger on what it felt like now but it was almost ghostly as if we weren’t in our minds but our bodies lay in this world not knowing what kind of life they were waiting for. It was noon when Tom walked in the door (twenty-three minutes after I called). He was wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He looked like he had been mugged with blood stains splashed across a once crisp white button -up now in need of an iron. I stood up,my spine cracking a little too straight.It made a scant clicking noise that had both boys looking at me.

 

"It’s okay" Benedict said" You can go to him. I won’t hit him..again."

 

Despite his permission,no one in the room moved an inch. We stood unnaturally still,eyes flickering,testing out emotions. It would be moot to admit that I wanted to go to Tom, and baby him, but I am not sure why I did not consider Ben’s permit.

 

"Why am I here?" Tom asked,looking only at Benedict.

 

"Well,I am a little bit drunk,Tom” Ben said.” I have absolutely no inhibitions. My whole life is hurtling down the drain and I am sat here persistently trying to keep a hold of it in any way that I can. Unfortunately,the love of my life loves someone else. I can’t change that. I would if I could.I love Maggie so much that I could kill a man,but I won’t. Instead I am offering you both a deal.”

 

 

"A deal?” Tom asked. I knew that he was only humouring Benedict by asking questions. His politeness didn’t allow him to be crass. Tom knew his place in this situation just like I knew mine. We would remain quiet until Ben spoke,and we would hang onto his every word even if it didn’t make a lick of sense.

 

"Yes. Of sorts" Ben answered,getting up to pour himself another drink. "Are you thirsty? Do you want something?"

 

Tom shook his head. “No thank you.”

 

We watched Benedict like one would watch a car crash. We wanted to help him,to tuck him into bed safely,but anyone that knows Ben is aware that he is very strong-willed. Drunk Benedict was no fool. Still,Tom being here with him being so vulnerable was wrong.

 

" Tom" I said,leaning into him. He smelled so good that I had to pull myself together,and immediately move away. " I think that you should leave. I don’t think that it is a good idea for you to be here right now."

 

"I agree" he said." I’m not really sure why I am. I planned on ignoring your call and going about my life,but the next thing I know I was walking here,and I couldn’t force myself to turn back."

 

"It’s because she called you" Ben interjected. " When Maggie calls we both come running with tails between our legs,don’t we?"

 

He raised a glass to salute me and swallowed it in one sip.

 

"Ben,maybe you should sleep this off,man" Tom said.

 

"I am perfectly able to function" Ben said,slamming the glass on the counter. He pulled out my engagement ring and put it inside of the glass. " I won’t marry her,Tom,but I am not giving her to you."

 

 

"I am not yours to give" I said,feeling anger stirring in the pit of my belly.

 

 

"No,you’re right.You are not mine" Ben said." You are ours"

 

 

"Excuse me!?"

 

 

I felt Tom’s fingers brush against mine briefly before walking over to where Benedict swayed. “”I don’t follow” Tom said,a kind smile gracing his lips. “Why am I here? Last night you told me never to have contact with Maggie again”

 

 

"Can you blame me?" Ben asked.

 

 

"No,mate. I don’t. None of this was your fault. I take full responsibility for everything"

 

 

Ben waved his hand “It doesn’t matter anymore.I didn’t ask you here to talk about what’s past.I wanted you here because I need you to keep seeing Maggie.”

 

"WHAT!?" Tom and I both said at the same time. My voice sounded incredulous while Tom’s sounded like he genuinely misheard what Ben had just said. To me,there was no mistaking what he meant. It was written all over his face for the last forty-five minutes.

 

"This isn’t drunk me saying this.Hear me out" Ben said. "We both love her. She loves both of us. Either neither of us have her or we both have her. It’s your choice.”

 

 

"What about her choice?" Tom said,pointing at me.

 

 

"You really expect her to make a decision?I have been with her a really long time,Tom. She can hardly choose which cereal she wants for breakfast let alone choose which one of us is best for her.I am choosing for her" he said. "It is my last gift to her"

 

"You’ve really lost it" I mumbled. "This isn’t right"

 

 

" I am giving you what you want." Ben said.

 

"And what about what you want? You can’t want me enough to share me with another man" I said" This is crazy,Ben. What do we tell people? What will everyone think? Do we have a weekday schedule? Does Tom get me on every day that begins with a T??? I mean,be realistic.What the fuck is going on inside of your head?"

 

 

"It is insane" Ben said. "I know this but it feels right,Mags. It would solve everything. It would make everyone happy. It wouldn’t have to be weird. It would be like two normal relationships but there is only one you. Do you know how hard it was to even suggest this? I don’t want to share you,Maggie,I need to share you. You said so yourself that the two of us combined makes you the happiest. Well,there is only one of you out there and if we both lose that,we don’t get anything else. My love life is over after you.I am done."

 

 

"You can’t ask that of me. You can’t ask that of Tom.It’s mental."

 

He was definitely in some bizarre land where he could grasp onto nothing but this idea. He had really thought this through and argued the pros and cons. I knew him. I knew that inside of that head of his he thought that this was truly the best thing even if he was drunk or sober. He was that desperate to keep me that he would do anything. It was preposterous…It was…

 

"Is it though?" Tom spoke in a low voice.

 

 

"Yes!" I said,turning to him "It’s unheard of..It’s Implausible"

 

 

"Yeah because it’s not like you spent the last couple months of your life doing the same thing" Tom said.

 

 

"This is not happening. This is really fucking not happening. Are the both of you high?"

 

"Maggie,I am not saying it is the best way to deal with this. We could get caught.Our careers could all be ruined. It would be hard to nurture that relationship. There would be jealousy and competitiveness but consider the alternative. I know you love me. I know you still love him and we both,well,we both would do anything for you. While it isn’t ideal,I will admit it does feel right."

 

 

"No,It doesn’t. It’s wrong. It’s not fair to either of you. I don’t deserve you, or him.I should be alone." I said,feeling the bloody tears spill again. "I’ve thought about being with both of you,having it be your choices,and in my head it doesn’t end well. Someone always get’s left out, and what you’re implying is okay actually isn’t. It’s bonkers! Mad!"

 

 

"It’s clever" Ben said.

 

"No.I can’t allow you both to do this."

 

"If we agree.." Tom began. "..And it is our choice believe it or not, but if we agree, what stops you from saying yes?"

 

 

"The absurdity of it all. I don’t understand how an arrangement like that could work. It’s every girls dream in this world but it’s a nightmare just thinking about it.I went from almost being married to being the lover of two men in one day. What are we going to tell everyone when they see me kissing Ben and then holding hands with Tom fucking Hiddleston????”

 

"It’s none of their business" Ben said

 

"We tell them nothing." Tom said. "You mention the wedding is off for now to your family and friends.You claim you both need time but you’re still together."

 

"Why are you going along with this?" I asked Tom.

 

"Because I love you so much that I can’t think straight."

 

"And you’re okay with having me fuck my public boyfriend as long as you get to fuck me in private?"

 

"When you put it like that…."

 

"Oh My God! Do you see why I can’t let you do this. Do you see it now?" I asked.

 

Reader,I have spent a good portion of this story defending my life choices no matter how heinous they are. It was perfectly okay to cheat. It was perfectly okay to lie. So,why wasn’t it perfectly okay to be honest now? Why did I suddenly feel so self-righteous about my life that I was denying anyone’s basic right to love me? Ben was so drunk that he was beginning to slur his words, but Tom,Tom was sober. Tom looked at me pleadingly,silently begging me to answer my own question.

 

DO YOU SEE IT NOW?

 

Truth is, I saw what they were both saying. I had scenarios spinning in my head of the day when I could be with both Ben and Tom and not have the fault weighing heavy on my heart.It was not ideal but it was what I had wanted all along,wasn’t it? I didn’t want to lose either of them as I knew I was going to. But why the hell was I so scared?

 

"I don’t want anyone to get hurt." I said,sputtering. "I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me ever again.Is this what you want for your future? Tom?Ben? Don’t you one day want children? Marriage? We can’t all grow old together. It may sound okay for right now but what about one year from now? What good will being together do us then? I have believed in my fairy tale ending all of my life but I let that go now. I know there is no perfect ending anymore. I can wish for it to be a good one,a happy one,and it will,but it won’t be because one day I will have to choose between the two of you. You both may not be forcing me to do it now but it will happen one day and we will resent each other for it."

 

"Fine" Ben said. "We will give it one year. One year and you choose by the end of the year which of us you want or if you want either of us at all."

 

"One year" Tom said,letting the words sink into his tongue. He looked at me,his eyes firmly on mine. "What do you think? One year. One year and then it is over. After one year you choose which one of us you want."

 

"One year to make you fall in love with us all over again" Ben added.

 

"This is crazy"

 

"We are crazy" Ben said.

 

"And what if I cannot choose?" I ask "I still think this is fucking insane but entertain me. What if by the end of the year I cannot choose still?"

 

"Then you get neither of us" Tom said,his words ringing in my ears.

 

Tom’s words repeated themselves over and over again in my head for a week. I couldn’t make a decision right then so I decided to “sleep on it”. It was exactly one whole week before I decided against my better judgment to say YES. I knew I was getting myself into another predicament that was going to be hard to get out of but I saw no other way to fight them on this. Both were willing to do this for me.  _FOR ME_. What would you have done? I asked you in the beginning if I was wrong but I don’t need your answers. I know that I am.

 

I hope you enjoyed reading about my past. I hope you will stick around for my future.


	11. Breathe me in,Breathe me out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must warn you that there is sex in this one. I am sure you can handle it and all but just thought I should let you know anyway.

      

  Dear Reader,

                  Juggling two boys keeps me so busy that my feet are throbbing. I feel like their mum,constantly fussing over the state of their clothes,and making sure they eat before they leave for work so as not to upset their wittle baby tummy’s.What is that about? I clean their clothes,I make their dinner on late nights,I kiss them goodnight,and am in a state of worry if it sounds like they’ve stopped breathing in their sleep.  
It isn’t all bad. It’s only a lot of work being the girlfriend of two equally needy people. No,not needy as in insecure,and needs constant reassurance.  
                         Needy as in:

           ”Mag’s, can we go out to eat at that new restaurant or is it Tom’s night tonight?”

           ”Maggie,can you come over for a cuddle,please?”

          “Mags,Can you put the kettle on for me? I have to take this call.”

          “Maggie,do you want to have lunch with my sisters tomorrow?”

 

                     MAGS

                             MAGGIE

                                     MARGARET

                                             I AM CHANGING MY NAME.

 

       I don’t mean to be a whiny bitch. I like this life. I chose this life. But Reader,my back hurts from being bent this way and that way (nearly everyday,I might add. I don’t know how two grown men suddenly have the libido of a horny teenager) My head hurts from making schedules (We nixed the schedules one week in. Now I see them whenever I have time) I am running on coffee and cigarettes (I don’t even like smoking). Just keeping this a secret from the world is hard work,work,work. I hate work.  
                       I really need a holiday or I might tear my hair out by the end of the first (!) month.

                                                                                                                                                                                  -Maggie

 

 

"Your place or mine tonight?" Tom asks,biting my lower lip. He kisses me playfully but I push him off because Benedict is sat on the other side of me. Ben pretends not to notice but I see his back stiffen,his fingers tighten around the newspaper in his hand.

 

 

"Yours ,Tom" Ben answers for me. "I am having guests around tonight for drinks."

 

 

"Guests!?" I ask.

 

 

       We hadn’t had guests over since we called off the wedding three weeks ago. Back then it was okay when The Cumberbatch’s would bring over food,and stick their noses in everything because Tom had not yet made his imprint. I glanced around at Tom’s overnight bag resting by the door,at his script lying on the table,at his breakfast tea mug on the counter. I thought of the electronic tooth brush sitting on the sink just waiting for Tom to pick it up again.

 

      We have strange living arrangements,I know. I mean it’s not as if Tom lives here or sleeps with me here because he doesn’t. Okay,there was one time when his sister slept over his flat ,and we were feeling frisky but that’s it! We all try to be respectful of each other’s boundaries and spaces. It’s just easier for him to crash here sometimes.

 

 

     The three of us had a hard time figuring out how to go about this. We entertained the idea of me getting my own place again so both Ben and Tom could come and go without running into each other. We decided it would be less suspicious if I stayed publicly with Ben, and Tom was the one who came ,and went. They took the movie deal together so no paparazzi ,or fan really had any gripe about why Tom was always around.

 

 

Keeping it from family and friends was different. Cancelling the wedding raised a lot of unwanted questions like:   

 

 

                      Have you fallen out of love?

                                             Did someone cheat?

                                                              Are you still together or???

 

   

  Ben and I told our parents we needed time. There was nothing wrong with our relationship but we were too busy for a wedding,and would see what happened a year from now. His father and my father took it in stride. However,our mothers hovered any chance they could get,asking more questions,and pressuring about having children.

 

   Our friends had mixed reactions. My best friend,Katie,developed a crush on Tom. She would bombard me with questions about him,her eyes with Anime hearts pouring out of them.

 

                                Is he single????

                   Does he have mommy issues,is that why he is single????

                He is really sweet. How come he’s not been snatched up????

 

          Poor Tom did his best to politely decline her advances. He denied her so much that she started believing in the possibility that he might be just a little bit gay. (Which was fine by me. If I had to listen to her go on and on about his bum I was going to strangle her)

 

 

         It’s been an eventful couple of weeks,I’ll tell you.

 

   The only real chink in the armour was Greg. He knew our history. I didn’t doubt he would figure it all out. As soon as he saw us in the same room,he knew. We stood too close to each other. We smiled too much. When we entered the room we didn’t enter as individuals.Greg said we looked like a threesome in love.

 

       Let me get this out of the way ,and say that NO funny business has happened between Tom ,and Ben. I know all of you would like to ship them together but that’s not what it’s like. Although,they’ve formed this weird brotherly bond,their only real interaction is with yours truly.

 

     Let me also go back to the beginning and reiterate that this is hard work. I really cannot say that enough.

 

 

"It will be fine” Ben said. He took a quick glance at Tom whose hand rested on my thigh. “Is it alright with you,baby?”

 

 

"Of course" I said.

 

 

  Ben takes my face in his hands passionately. He kisses me long,and slow,his tongue darting in and out of my mouth. I open my eyes to see that Ben’s eyes are on Tom.

 

 

   I should have seen it coming: The Competitiveness. It wasn’t jealousy,Reader. Both of my boys are confident in their sexual prowess,and intellect. A little too proud sometimes,maybe,but never jealous. It wasn’t a mean competitiveness either. It was a pissing contest to them,a ‘Who has the bigger cock?’ sort of boyhood game. I let them have at it,choosing not to get in the middle. I’d worry about it later when it became more serious,and less fucking sexy.

 

 

I pull back from Ben’s kiss. “Alright,that’s enough boys.”

 

 

"What?" Ben laughs. He slaps my ass as I get off of the couch. I almost turn around and straddle him.I am completely oblivious to Tom. I only pay attention to the deep heat in my belly.I can do nothing at all but walk away,and stifle my lust.

 

         Reader,I craved one boy when I had the other. It always happened like this. I told myself it was natural to feel that way but I wasn’t so sure of that. I think what I really craved most was both of them. Both of them at the same time.

 

Yikes.

 

 

     Here was the plan: Tom was already at his place around the corner. I would greet guests as they arrived,and then I would leave shortly after. Excuses and apologies would be made by my sweet boyfriend.I’d then make my way to Tom and Ben would enjoy his party. It was a great plan except for one small detail:

 

Ben didn’t want me to leave.

 

     He asked me to stay with him and I could not tell him NO. I didn’t exactly tell him YES either but his hand fell to my waist,his kiss was on my lips,and everyone kept saying how we were the perfect couple. You know,it felt like how it used to when he was first dating me (I always say that.Sorry. I cling to the entry wound where love shot me) It still gave me tingles when he’d brush his thumb against my spine just out of nerves. I fell into him easily,and couldn’t seem to find my way out again. I preempted that Tom and I would spend the night lying together listening to old records. I love doing that,I do,but tonight I need something else. 

 

    I tried calling Tom but he wouldn’t answer his phone. I didn’t leave a voice mail. All thoughts slipped alarmingly fast from my mind but I am not worried. Some days I prefer the comfort calm of Tom and on nights like tonight I lust for this manic,sexual energy Benedict gives off.

 

 

"Meet me in the bedroom" Ben whispers seductively into my ear. His hand subtly cups my breast and massages it.

 

 

     I feel the air leave my lungs. I peer at the party-goers as if I am seeing through a hazy piece of glass: a group of thirty-something actors immersed in party games,or talks of wine,and children. Only one person watches us and that person is Greg. I give him a wink before disappearing into Ben and I’s bedroom.

 

    I don’t think Greg is a friend to me anymore. He doesn’t go out of his way to be unfriendly but he throws me these looks every once in awhile that say, “If you hurt him,I will ruin you.” Do I think Greg has the gall to ’ ruin’ me? No,I don’t, but he will have a hell of a time blaming me for everything.

 

 

"Greg saw us" I say as soon as I walk into the dark bedroom. "I can’t see a fucking thing. Ben? Ben,where are you?"

 

 

"Close your eyes." Ben says,his voice so low I feel it vibrating my bones.

 

 

"This is so hot"

 

 

"Don’t open them until I come back inside."

 

 

I obey. The bedroom door opens and shuts. I hear Ben’s muffled voice telling everyone to go home.

 

 

"Maggie is not feeling well." Ben tells them. "We are going to call it a night,guys. Thank you so much for coming out. We appreciate it."

 

 

"Is she alright,hon?" A female voice asks.

 

 

"She will be fine. Too much to drink"

 

 

    I feel very giddy,very impatient. I let out a girlish laugh and jump out of my skin when I hear a giggle from across the room.My head snaps in the direction of the sound but everything is quiet until Ben comes back into the room.

 

 

"Eyes still closed?" he asks.

 

 

"Yes"

 

 

I sense him in front of me. My whole body leans into his hands but he pulls them away.

 

 

"Can I open my eyes now?" I ask,smally.

 

 

   Benedict does not answer. The bedroom light turns on. My eyes instinctively open up and blink slowly,adjusting to the room. I see Ben standing directly in front of me,a ball of eager energy. I scan the room. Tom is sitting on an armchair by the window watching me.

 

 

"Tom" I say. "Tom,I am so sorry..I.."

 

 

Tom smiles mischievously.

 

 

I continue, “..I called you but you never picked up.”

 

 

"My phone is at home." he says,still smiling.

 

 

Both of my boys look smug like a cat delivering a dead mouse to it’s owners feet. I am confused,sure,but I think I am more turned on than anything. 

 

 

"What’s going on?" I ask. I look back and forth between them both.

 

 

    Benedict moves behind me. He slides his fingers down my arm,taking the straps of my dress down. His lips press hotly against my neck. “Well” He said,biting my neck gently. “I realized today would have been our wedding night.”

 

 

"I forgot." I breathed. I close my eyes,and moan as his hands move under my dress. I can feel his hard-on pressing against my ass.

 

 

"Even though we aren’t getting married, I still want to give you a little present."

 

 

"Yeah?"

 

 

"Yes" Ben says. His hand stops rubbing my body. His kisses stop trailing across my neck.

 

 

     I  open my eyes halfway in ecstasy to see Ben’s moved across the room,and Tom is in front of me. “Oh” is all I manage to say before Tom pounces on me. His fingers expertly find my clit. He begins rotating his fingers in slow circular motions. He kisses me full on the lips. My knees buckle but he grabs me and moves me safely to the bed before I hit the ground.

 

  I come very quickly. I come so quickly Tom is blushing and Benedict is laughing. Speaking of Ben,I peek over at him and he is standing there wearing nothing but a smile. He looks glorious,all muscle,and cheekbones.

 

 

"Pay attention to Tom" Ben says,pointing at Tom.

 

 

   Tom looks so nervous where Ben looks quite comfortable. I lean up to stroke Tom’s cheek to let him know that it’s all going to be okay. My touch seems to do the trick. Tom comes at me like an animal:ripping my dress ,and hungrily tasting my skin. I lean up so he can roll my panties off. He does. When I go to put my ass back on the bed he catches me,and pulls me to him. His mouth is on me,licking,and sucking. He has gone down on me many times. He is very good at it, but this time,this time it feels like every nerve ending is on fire.

 

 

I scream when I orgasm.

 

 

   When Tom finishes,he slides out from between my legs and Benedict takes his place. His fingers are inside of me,on me,pressing on my belly to keep me from squirming. Tom sits beside me. I start undoing his belt buckle. When he sees that I can’t keep still he does the job for me and removes all of his clothes.

 

 

" Having fun?" He mouthes to me. He bites his lip. That little devious shit.

 

 

    I do not have time to think about having an orgasm. Benedict is inside of me,pumping fast. His muscled arms are on either side of me to keep himself steady. There is a brief moment where we look each other in the eyes and smile. He fucks me harder and harder after that. I let my nails scratch all down his back as he nearly bangs me into the next room.

 

 

My bones hurt.

 

I came so hard and so much that my body feels rubbery

 

 

   I mean to collapse onto the bed after Ben moves off of me but Tom grabs my hand. He pulls me on top of him. I slide down slowly onto his shaft. I almost fall over because of how good it feels and how tired I am but he holds my hands to keep me up.

 

 

"Slow" Tom orders.

 

 

   I move up and down slowly. It drives me crazy but he won’t let me move any faster. I want to fuck him into oblivion. When I regain my strength, I am able to lean back on the bed and let him slide deeper inside of me. Now it drives him crazy.

 

I try taking control. I try to please both of my boys but they won’t let me touch them.

 

 

"This is for you" Ben says,growling in my ear.

 

 

"Why?" I ask. I gasp as Tom’s mouth is finding the sensitive parts of my body

 

 

"Because I know you wanted this. Don’t look so surprised that I knew. You always underestimate me. I know you very well, Mags. This is all that you think about." Ben says. He kisses me sweetly.

 

 

  When we finish,each boy lays on either side of me,panting,and smiling. I look at their happy,lazy expressions,at their beautiful bodies that I know every inch of.

 

 

"Will you both fall asleep here with me tonight?" I ask.

 

They both agree but let me know that this is a one time thing

 

Reader, I don’t know how to get out of this one.

 

I really don’t.

 


	12. Benedict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benedict finds Maggie's story. He picks up her writings but doesn't read it. He flips to the last page and starts writing his own entry. He wants you all to understand him but what he really wants to do is understand himself. It's proving harder than he thought.

        Dear Reader and Dear Mags,

 

           I found this book face down on our bed. It was open. It caught my interest. I am not a nosy man but I am curious the way a young boy is,sadly. At first glance,Mags,I thought it was one of those trashy novellas you read. Imagine my face when I thumbed through to see your atrocious handwriting on the pages. I'm joking. Your handwriting is lovely. It's better than my own. I stared down at these pages and I have a gut feeling that you had written about me. I would always watch you in your corner,scribbling furiously. I didn't want to interrupt you, so I didn't, but I've always wanted to know what went on inside of you when you shut down. Despite this,I will not pry. I will simply turn to the last written page,slide my fingers across the creme blank page,and tell these lovely people some things from my perspective. I am bored. You are at Tom's and Greg isn't picking up my phone calls as of late.  
                  So here it goes.  
                  This is going to be hard.  
                                                                                                                    Ben

 

 

 

          I see that the last thing Maggie wrote about was our tryst (So sorry. I've just had a little peak on the previous page). I don't know what 'Readers' are reading this book or will read this book but hopefully that part is left out. I don't apologise for the choices I have made just as I don't judge you for the choices you have created. I'm a private man. There are few things I ask for from the public and one of those is to not poke around in my personal life. But I cannot control Maggie. She is her own woman to do as she sees fit. If you are reading this right now there is a chance that you know everything. In that case,fuck it.

 

 

 

   Where to begin.Where to begin. Where to begin. Where to bloody begin.

 

 

 

 

      I am going to conclude what happened after that night briefly for one moment. She doesn't know this. It happened right after her and Tom fell asleep. I sat for hours unable to fall asleep myself.I tried listening to some music ,tried to make a cup of weak tea,tried to watch the telly but nothing worked. I paced around for quite a bit. I went for a walk to get some fresh air but that only made me more alert. Truth is,I've been having trouble sleeping for months now. I'll stare at the ceiling,my legs will feel like energy is pulsing through my veins,and all of these dark thoughts will come into my head. I never wanted to worry Maggie which is why I never said anything before but I am feeling rather receptive right now. I worried a lot previously but the worrying has gotten worse.

 

 

 

  Maggie, I don't know how to get out of this one either.

 

 

 

 

   When I crawled back into bed you were just waking up. You looked over at me with heavy lids. You've always been beautiful to me but right then you were more beautiful than you have ever been. Your hair was a mess. You had spittle at the corner of your lips, and another man's head was resting on your breast ,but the way you looked at me....it was the way no one else ever has. I understood that if one day you feel that I am not the one you love,I think I will be okay with that because you loved me then, and that will always be enough.

 

 

 

 

     Reader,you don't know me. You know my face,my name,how I act when I am excited but you don't know me at all. You see only what I allow you to see. The same goes for others in my life. I'm not as closed off as I am made out to be. I am quite sensitive. I fear being broken down by those I trust. I am guarded,yes,but I am guarded with an open heart. This is just a stab in the dark here but I know you love me a lot as fans and as friends. I love you all as well. I want you to know me for the real me sometimes. Often I think of letting you inside but I hide away behind a mop of curly hair and a coat or bits, and pieces that aren't me. The point is,and I'm sorry for waffling,but I aim to let you be a part of my life always but occasionally it get's hard.

 

 

 

 

    Coming out of that night, I was different. I felt careless. Surely Mags noticed in the weeks after. Not only in my laid-back response to things but in my unrelenting need to be bad. I know what you are thinking: Benedict Cumberbatch as a baddie? Only in the movies because you think in real life that I am some dorky saint that sits alone with my books ,and a glass of whiskey. Well,you aren't that off about me but I don't tell you everything. I barely tell my family and friends anything. They ask a lot. I was in the tabloids so you might know the incident I am about to go into.

 

 

 

 

     I dragged Maggie out for the night. She didn't want to go but it was Saturday and I was wide awake as always. I wanted to dance. I wanted to be naughty. I wanted to lose control, ideally. Maggie agreed to go when I convinced her it might be fun. She wore a beautiful cocktail dress,her hair up off her neck,and her best smile. I knew she was going only because I wanted her to and I loved her for it.

 

 

 

   We went to this place. The atmosphere reminded me of Ibiza with a loud bass thumping in my chest,and green strobe lights shining across a misty dance floor. As soon as I went inside I lost myself to the music. We drifted away from each other but Mags would always come back with a fresh drink in her hand for me. We danced together,her hips grinding into mine. I didn't care that people were taking videos with their iphones or gaping openly at the pair of us. I might have cared if I was sober but I enjoyed myself to the hilt.

 

 

 

 

    Things didn't go wrong until we had left the club. There were people in the streets out to see me,to take my picture,to shake my hand. Maggie stood by as I tried to get to as many as I could.My fans come to see my from all over the world and I genuinely am happy to meet them.But there were men pushing people to take photos of me,and photos of Mags. It was very loud and chaotic. I was out of my mind with anger and the next thing I know I am yelling at these men to get out of the way. They swarmed around us trying to get the latest scoop. I had no bodyguards and no help. I looked over at Maggie and some paparazzi had groped her and I completely lost it.

 

 

 

 

"Don't you fucking touch her! Excuse me? Yeah. You. In what world is it okay to touch a woman like that? No. Don't give me that shit. Get the fuck out of here" I spat."You don't really want to try me,I promise you."

 

 

 

 

"Baby,it's okay" Maggie had said. She took my hand. In a normal world this would have calmed me down but I was so outraged that her touch didn't register.

 

 

 

 

"You heard me" I yelled. "I am talking to you.Don't you fucking turn away from me"

 

 

 

 

    Meanwhile people all around were documenting me shouting at this man who shrunk back into the crowd. I ignored Maggie's plea's to leave it alone, and I went after him. He got in my face. I got right back in his. He swung first but missed. Everything after that was hazy. I do remember throwing all of my weight on top of him and getting a few hooks in before someone pulled me away. It's strange because I am not a fighter. I do what I have to when I have to do it but I would rather not. I chalked this up to being about my new carefree attitude. Maggie was pissed off. I didn't blame her. She called Tom to take me home but I tried fighting him off too. I wanted to ride the high of being in a fight and being bloody and I didn't care about much else.

 

 

 

 

   When I awoke the next morning,I was all over the news,the papers,twitter,and every social media site that existed. Luckily,everyone took my side,but they somehow have gotten it in their heads that I love a good fight. They don't know me. They never will and even if they did they would never understand.The person that knew me best was cross with me.She gave me the silent treatment,only looking at me when she thought I wasn't looking at her. I always saw her. I see her better than I see myself sometimes.

 

 

 

 

    Mags,I am trying really hard to be who you want me to be. Let me explain. I know you don't ask me to be someone I am not. I know you love me for who I am,bruises,and all. But I want to be the best that I can be for you. It's crazy to say,to admit,that I am not the person I'm proud of right now. I will figure out why that is. I will learn from my mistakes. I will do what needs to be done.Consider these words to be my vow to you,my promise.

 

 

 

 

    Reader,this is my vow to you too. I want to be a better role model for you. I want to appreciate you much more than you appreciate me. I'd like to show you my true self someday and to do so with complete trust in you. You trust me more than you should. I cannot tell you to stop doing that. I can only fulfill your wishes,give back your love,and hope that one day you are still with me because I need you all more than you will ever know.

 

 

 

 

Okay. I am going to finish this up now. It's quiet in this room. I don't like it. I need her here.

 

 

 

                                                                                                                       My best,Benedict


	13. Wedding Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie has to attend the wedding of her mums friends husbands daughter even though she has never met the girl. Benedict is forced to go as her date and Tom tags along as support. None of them want to be there especially as some of their other friendships are unraveling.

        Dear Reader,

 

                         Two months down.Ten months to go.

 

                                                                                                                              -Maggie

 

 

 

   I'm feeling at a loss for words lately.It's funny how before I hardly stopped to look at certain things, but now these things are all I'm aware of. The trees seem greener,and the sky more blue with beautiful shades of orange,and pink. I feel like I am living in a postcard,one where London looks so nice even though we all know what it's really like. Do we though? Or do we just not see things more clearly because of pollution, and foul language? I feel blurred around my once harsh edges. I honestly feel like I will break into song any given moment on a bloody bridge overlooking a brook.Take it in,readers,I feel like my love life is worthy of a fairytale even if it's slightly more complicated ,and just a wee bit..subjective.

 

 

 

 But the point is,is that I feel fully happy.

 

 

 

     My skin is clearer,my cheeks are rosier,and I have a glow. My bony bits are squishy. I am developing a larger,happier bum,and everyone is getting accustomed with the new me. Hmmmm.New me. Am I new? Was the sex really that great that it transformed me into someone with hair good enough to make it onto a shampoo commercial? You may all well be fed up with my tennis match of emotions,but I don't care. My boys don't care so why the hell should you?

 

 

 

    Before I say how happy and jolly everyone is let me tell you that I did read Benedict's entry. But it was I who left it out for him to see it in the first place so don't think of me as some naive cow of a girl. It was about time that he knew about it,anyway. Besides,you would be wrong to think that it hurt him rather than helped. We are in a really good place now,better than before,and I'm glad all of that is past. I am ready for the unforseeable future with my two favourite boys.

 

 

 

 

  

  "Are you writing about me?" Benedict asked. He cocked his head to one side. A Cheshire cat smile ran the length of his lips, and his eyes glinted with curiousity. 

 

 

 

 

"What's it to you?" I tease.

 

 

 

 

    Ben let out a happy sigh, and went back to watching the telly.He's so beautiful I think I might cry. You all know this,I am sure. How can you not? I am always stunned when I look directly at him. It isn't just his perfect swoop of hair,his sea glass eyes or those razor sharp cheekbones but he has this light about him that shines from the inside out. He is the type of man you can't stop looking at ,and even after you look away, you're still not sure if you ever saw him in the first place.

 

 

 

 

" I love you" I murmured.

 

 

 

 

     He pat the empty seat beside him. I walked over to him,dragging this book, and my trusty ball point pen. He snatched them both out of my hand ,and chucked them across the room.Benedict pulled me down to him,snuggled me closer to his chest,and rested his chin on my head. We sat like that watching the news until Tom strolled in with food in one hand,and a tux in the other.

 

 

 

 

"Sorry to interrupt" Tom said,resting the stuff on the kitchen counter. "But we have an hour to eat and change. A car is picking us up at one. Have you heard from Greg lately,Ben?"

 

 

 

 

"I have not" Ben said.

 

 

 

 

"He is going to be there.You know that right?"

 

 

 

 

"Leave it,Tom " I told him.

 

 

 

 

    Hearing Greg's name is enough to send Ben into a coma of sadness. Imagine having your best mate ignore you for a whole month in person but pretend to still be your buddy in press. It hurt Ben more than he would care to admit ,and I don't blame him.  I understand why he felt the way he did, but I didn't want him being sad for something he didn't even do. There is no wrong here. I just wish my baby saw it that way.

 

 

 

 

"Sorry"

 

 

 

 

"It's fine" Ben said,getting up. "You both don't have to tip-toe around me. I am fine."

 

 

 

    Both Tom and I stood by quietly until Benedict went into the bathroom to shower. As soon as the door shut,and as soon as we heard the water turn on,we ran to each other.It was weird,but Tom and I often felt like errant children in the presence of Benedict. He assumed the role of leader in the bedroom thus proving his seniorship over the pair of us.  He shushed us when we were being a bit too loud. He controlled our endless chatting,and giggling when we shouldn't be giggling. He gave us direction and structure. Without him this whole thing would have fell apart within a week. 

 

 

 

 

"How has he been?" Tom asked. "I've been gone for so long I'm not sure what's normal and what isn't. He seems better. I don't know."

 

 

 

 

 

"He thought Greg would have called by now. I think it's tearing him apart. Is he definitely going to be at the wedding?"

 

 

 

 

"Yes" Tom said. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuck. I refuse to accept that it's going to be anything other than alright." I said. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Maybe we shouldn't go."

 

 

 

 

"We  said we would. Greg already knows about us .I don't need other people fishing around."

 

 

 

 

Tom nodded. "We are going to worry ourselves into a hole."

 

 

 

    I wrapped myself in Tom's arms ,and placed my head against his chest. He felt so warm,so inviting. Tom leaned down to kiss me lightly on the lips. When he pulled away ,I pulled him back again for another kiss, but this time I pushed my tongue inside of his mouth. Next thing I know we are groping each other and it is getting hot,and heavy.

 

 

 

 

"We can't" Tom said,pulling away. His hands slid down my back and onto my ass.

 

 

 

 

"You don't seem convinced"

 

 

 

 

"Later. This isn't the right time."

 

 

 

 

   When Benedict came out of the bathroom in only a towel he looked at us both and rolled his eyes. "Can't keep your hands off can you?" he said before going into our bedroom and shutting the door behind him. Tom and I sat on either end of the couch separated a little too dramatically which made Tom burst into a fit of giggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I feel like I havent' seen you in forever" I said,moving closer.

 

 

 

 

"I wish I didn't have to keep flying back and forth to L.A. every couple of days. I have to leave again tomorrow on the first flight out.I am so knackered."Tom said. He rubbed his face and gave me a tired smile." How are you,Maggie? Everyone always asks after Ben but I want to know how you are doing"

 

 

 

 

"I'm...tired too. Work is really boring and my parents keep nagging me about babies"

 

 

 

 

"Babies" Tom said. "Do you want babies one day?"

 

 

 

 

"I think I do."

 

 

 

 

"I think I do too."

 

 

 

 

   The bedroom door opened. Benedict came strolling out in a black tux,and a blue tie in his hand. "I can tell you I would rather have a child as my excuse to not go to this wedding right now.Oh,I am sorry Jennifer and Ryan,but my child is vomiting so sorry I cannot attend your precious ceremony" he said."All I really want is a good sleep and a good fuck.Is it too late to cancel?"

 

 

 

 

"Yes" I said. "Sorry"

 

 

 

 

"Can you?" Ben asked me,holding out the tie. I went to him and tied the blue tie around his neck. I pulled him to me and kissed him ,and as soon as I did I felt his agitation slip away. "No.I'm sorry I'm just..fuck..it's like I can't be in a good place with something without something else fucking it all up." 

 

 

 

 

"I know,baby" I said,tying the tie around his throat.

 

 

 

 

"We are running late" Tom called from the couch. "We'll have to eat quickly in the car. I brought little cucumber sanwhiches to nibble on."

 

 

 

 

"Great" Ben said. He smiled briefly at Tom." Thank you."

 

 

 

 

"I am going to go and put my dress on. Are you going to be okay?" I held his face in my hands. He reached up and put his hands on top of mine and said, "No but when I am with you, I am" which nearly  sent me scrambling to take off all of my clothes.

 

 

 

 

 

   When I came out in my navy blue princess dress, with lace detail, and a sweetheart neckline,both boys mouths hung open. I had my hair up in a chignon,and beautiful on- loan emerald studs in my ear. Fancy dress isn't really me. I would rather be sitting in sweatpants with my legs wide open but nothing can defeat the feeling a pretty dress gives you. 

 

 

 

 

"You look.." Tom Began.

 

 

 

 

"Magnificent" Ben finished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Jennifer Everette is my mum's best friends husbands first born  (Did you get that?) who also happens to know Greg and a plethora of other celebrities. She's only twenty-two years old, and signing her life away to the lovely twenty-one year old musician Ryan Towler (Sorry If I sound bitter. You have to understand that no one in her life thinks this is going to last either). All you really need to know is that they are filthy rich, and can get whatever they want whenever they want it. I was forced into attendance  by my parents ,and since Benedict is my "boyfriend" ,he is automatically on the guest list. I've never even met the girl.Tom,who is so sweet to me,offered to fly himself here just to attend which made Jennifer Everette,a massive fan,very happy. I could honestly think of everywhere I would rather be than here.

 

 

 

 

 

 "Is your friend coming?" Ben asked

 

 

 

 

 

" Who,Katie?"

 

 

 

 

 

"You only have one friend." Ben laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

"I do fucking not" I said offended. I couldn't help but crack a smile." And yes she is. Sorry,Tom."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No big deal. She still thinks I'm gay?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"She thinks you are confused" I said. "I am afraid she isn't hopeless. Still talks about your bum on occasion."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom laughed. "Well, I shall try and avoid her then."

 

 

 

 

 

"Has she ever had a crush on me?" Ben asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Everyone has had a crush on you.My mum has a crush on you" I said.

 

 

 

 

 

"Does that piss you off?"

 

 

 

 

 

"I am not jealous if that is what you are asking." I said,glowering

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh,really. So it's okay if I dance with Katie tonight then?"

 

 

 

 

"Sure. You can fuck her too."

 

 

 

 

"Maggieee...Ben.." Tom said. "Play nice."

 

 

 

 

"Always" Ben said,smirking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    I wish I had grown up with money. I mean, I don't need it. I am happy being able to afford only what I need in life versus carelessly throwing away pound after pound on things I will never use. I fear that if I had been born into money ,and power, then I would be rotting underneath a pile of cocaine right now instead of my usual pile of powdered donuts. Glamourous life,eh?

 

 

 

 

 

  I don't believe money can always buy happiness. It can buy things you want,things you crave ,but those feelings never last. You are kept wanting more,more,more until you eventually have it all. Where is the fun in having it all? However,money can buy you a beautiful wedding in a castle if you want but it will never take away your scowl quite like the botox does.

 

 

 

 

 

"This is gorgeous" I breathed. "It's a fucking castle."

 

 

 

 

 

    Ben came up behind me and held me while Tom stood off awkwardly to the side. We all looked up at the gray castle. It looked like it belonged in some war film or in an episode of Game of Thrones. I had to fight the urge to fling myself forward in a battle cry.

 

 

 

 

"Is this what you dream of?" Ben asked.

 

 

 

 

"Hell no" I said. "This is beautiful but it's too much. I want something that won't distract everyone from looking at me. "

 

 

 

 

 

"An army of zombies in the distance wouldn't distract anyone from looking you" Tom said.

 

 

 

 

 I draped an arm over Tom. I was feeling that usual paranoid feeling that someone would see us, but I needed this moment catalogued in my head. You see,readers,this is what money can't buy.

 

 

 

 

 

    Benedict fell asleep on my shoulder during the ceremony. Thankfully,this was a photographer free zone and nobody payed us any attention anyway with Elton John sitting third row. He is really everywhere,isn't he? Bless him. I wished I could fall asleep but my mum kept obnoxiously weeping next to me. I don't know why. She hates Jennifer because she tore up her flower bed once when she was a little rat.It's probably all the romance in the air. As overly extravagent as this wedding was,you definitely could feel the honest love coming from Jennifer and Ryan. It was intoxicating for me but not in an 'I want to cry' way. It was more of a 'I want to do dirty things to Tom in this chair' way.

 

 

 

 

   Tom leaned back to get my attention. He sat between my parents so that Katie wouldn't wedge herself next to him ,and spend the whole set of vows touching up his leg. My father wasn't any better. He hates weddings and would rather be where the football and beer are. He talked Tom's ear off about scores and things I don't really understand. I looked at Tom. He looked like a puppy in need of a rescue.

 

 

 

 

 

"I am so sorry" I mouthed behind mum's back. I simulated giving him a blowjob which made him crack into a fit of giggles that seemed to echo off of the church walls.

 

 

 

Then,of course,I started laughing which made the people in front of us turn around in a fit of rage. Tom and I excused ourselves and made our way to yet another bathroom where we would yet again fuck. Happiness,here you are.Oh,how I have missed you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Wedding Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie makes a mistake that nearly costs them everything. Relationships are put to the test.

 

 

 

 

      Dear friends, buddies ,fuckers,and people that judge me without knowing me,

 

 

         I am drunk. I have drank A LOT tonight. After what happened at the wedding I've got a valid reason to bury my face into a box of wine (Don't laugh. It is all Tom could get in a pinch) Hey,it's better than crying,innit? I hope I don't have a hangover in the morning. Alright then.I have to cut this short because both Tom and Ben are really drunk as well and one of them has pissed all over the floor. Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                         -Maggie,Mags,whore-face,whatever you fancy

 

 

 

 

 

 

"This is nice" Tom said.

 

 

     We were led to gorgeous purple and creme coloured tents set up on the lawn beside the castle. Fairy lights illuminated the walk way as day turned into dusk. After the ceremony we sat down in a hall that looked like bloody Hogwarts. They served us a full course meal that tasted quite lovely. We were meant to head out because we thought the whole thing was over but were stopped and ushered into "The Reception Area". I cannot tell you how loudly Benedict groaned. It actually made a few people around us laugh. The question,reader,is how much is too much when you're getting married?

 

 

 

 

 

"It is lovely,dear,isn't it?" Mum said to Tom,taking his arm and then Ben's.They walked ahead of Katie and I,tom's answer getting lost in the breeze.

 

 

 

 

 

"Tom is looking well tonight" Katie said. "Is he seeing someone?"

 

 

 

 

 

"No. Why do you ask?"

 

 

 

 

 

She shook her head. "No reason,really. He just looks happy. Actually,he's got that 'Just had sex' air about him.Do you know what I mean?"

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm not sure" I said,swallowing the lump in my throat. "I think he is single though."

 

 

 

 

"Hmmmm" Katie said. She looked at me and it felt like she could see right through me. I knew she was just waiting for me to slip up and say something or give away some emotion or other. I kept my face still,offering her a little shrug. Her hand reached out to stop me, "We're best friends,aren't we?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Of course,don't be daft"

 

 

 

 

 

"So what aren't you telling me? I know something is up. You've been acting really funny for months."

 

 

 

 

 

     I ask her 'how do you mean?', but I already know the answer to that. I've been a really shitty friend for awhile now. I never ring her . I used to ring her three times a day:once when we woke,once at work,and once when our favourite show came on. I barely saw her,asked her out for Saturday drinks,or inquired anything about her life. What's even more disturbing is how unwillingly I have been to talk about my relationship with Ben. I am an open book,reader,you can clearly see that,but I've been staying mum on matters of the heart. I brush my best friend off when I should be venting to her and seeking her advice. I've been almost poking fun at her crush on Tom when if I wasn't with Tom,I would have been urging her to pursue a relationship with him. They would be perfect for each other but I am sat here stealing him away with my own greedy paws.

 

 

 

 

 

     Thankfully,my dad came up behind us and changed the subject to boats. My dad is in avid boat fan. That doesn't have anything to do with the story. I just don't want you to think that my father is a loon and brings up the strangest topics to talk about.

 

 

 

 

Okay

 

 

 

On with the story then

 

 

 

     You would never believe the seating arrangements if I told you. Well,by now you probably have guessed that everything goes wrong in my life. I looked around at the little placards with our names on it and it read like this:

 

 

 

 

Maggie (me,obviously)

 

Benedict

 

Tom

 

Katie

 

Mum (It didn't say mum it said 'Lilah')

 

Dad (Brian)

 

Greg

 

Greg's wife (I can't,for the life of me,remember her name.Sorry)

 

 

 

 

    Naturally,the person all of us would least like to talk to sits down right at our table as if nothing in the world has happened.He won't look at us. His wife won't even look at us ,and when I look at her, I realise ,in my very smart brain that she knows.She knows because Greg fucking told her. Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

"I really like these flowers" mum says. She is completely oblivious to the tension around the table. "Don't you like these flowers,Maggie?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes,mum. They are lovely"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You should put them in your purse when we leave."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No,mum. I am not going to steal them."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why not?They can clearly afford it.They would look so beautiful in my garden"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Because it's wrong" I said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes and Maggie always does what is right" Greg mumbled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Excuse me?" I said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What did you just say to her?" Benedict asked. His cheeks were red,his eyes steely,and his back stiff. I placed my hand in his to bring him back down to earth but he scarcely noticed. Tom's hand rested on Ben's shoulder too. It did nothing but agitate him further so we both let go, and braced ourselves for the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Nothing. I said nothing" Greg said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     The atmosphere around the table was uncomfortable. Benedict and Greg stared each other down,looking as if they were having a conversation telepathically. Tom smiled reassuringly at everyone around the table. Katie focused on me,her eyebrows raised. My dad was still chattering about boats to anyone that would listen while my mum tried talking to Greg's wife whose face turned from sour to smiley.Meanwhile,I looked around the tent for anything that could save us and discovered the bridegroom ready to have their first dance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Look,they are getting ready to dance everyone!" I said a little bit too excited. (No one payed any attention to me anyway)

 

 

 

 

 

 

"If you have something to say,Greg,say it" Benedict said. "You've never had trouble saying what you feel before"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"This is neither the time nor place for that conversation" Greg said

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh,go on then. Please do" Benedict said." Tear me apart. Fuck me over. Be my best mate,go on.What are you waiting for?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Ben" I warned. "Please,stop."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Right"he said. "I've had enough of this now"

 

 

 

 

 

Benedict rose from the table,drawing a little attention. He walked away with several eyes on him including women checking him out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh for chrissake. I am sitting right here" I said,loud enough for them to hear me."He is taken."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom leaned in. "Do you want me to go after him?"

 

 

 

 

 

"No.I'll do it. You stay here and do damage control" I told him. I quickly pecked him on the lips and stood up before realising what I had just done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Maggie!?" Katie choked.

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh dear" Dad said.

 

 

 

 

 

"Is that what friends do these days?" Mum asked." I will have to give Mary a peck next time I see her"

 

 

 

 

 

"Maggie" Tom said,horrified. "Those girls saw that."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuck me. This just keeps getting worse and worse" I said before hastily making an exit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     I found Benedict leaning against a rail smoking. His tie was undone,and hanging halfway out of his pocket. His hair looked as if his hand had run through it over and over again. His eyes were so tired and a little puffy. I watched him before he saw me. He was staring into the distance,his eyes glazed over,his body swaying from side to side. Frustration is the word that I think of most when I think of him standing there,fairy lights lighting up his angular face.

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey" he said,taking a drag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Are you alright?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

    He smiled weakly "I want to hate him. I want to hate him,Mags,but I don't. Ignoring me was rough. It was childish but all he has ever done has been for my benefit. I don't know how to handle that. I can't hate him for caring. I can't hate him for trying,you know?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I nodded. "I do"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why is this so hard? Why did it have to become so hard? This was meant to be the easy way out."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Way out?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"That's not what I meant" he said. He brought me to him and hugged me tightly. "I want to marry you. I look at these two young,foolish people marry each other because they love each other and nothing else matters. Not money. Not social status. Not Elton John. It made me want you all over again. Is that bad?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No" I whispered "but Ben,i have to tell you something."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What is it?" he asked.

 

 

 

 

 

    I felt terrible for making his shoulders collapse and making a hopeless sigh escape his body. I wanted him to be far away from here,tucked in bed,and dreaming of beautiful things. I wanted to shield him from all of this,not tear him a part even more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I kissed Tom" I said. "No,Benedict,you don't get it. I kissed Tom in front of everyone .I forgot for one second where I was. I wasn't in my right mind. The only place I needed to be was with you. I didn't think. I'm sorry."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Shit" Ben said,letting out a cloud of smoke he had been holding in. "We can fix this."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm afraid we might not be able to. There were these girls checking you out and I might have..shouted.. at them. They were watching me when I kissed him. They saw the whole thing and when I got up to leave I saw one pulling out her mobile."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No proof."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tom is with us all of the time. They won't need proof. They will make up stories.It's what they do."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"They can have their stories." he said. "I don't care. Come on,let's get back."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Actually,I have a better idea. Do you just want to go?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

The corner of Benedict's mouth twitched." And do what?"

 

 

 

 

 

     It's really no surprise that we ditched the wedding to go have sex.It is my natural solution when I am stressed to take off my clothes (There are pictures from uni somewhere that supports this fact) This time we decided to make love in our bed alone without any tricks or kinks. We wrapped ourselves in our skin and fucked for hours,forgetting all about the life outside of us. We were unbroken in our little room. We were whole,complete,happy.We hadn't had this in a long time. It felt nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Tom came in the door around midnight with a box of wine,and a frown. Benedict and I stumbled out of the bedroom. Me,wearing his white tux shirt and he wearing briefs that hung off of his hips. We both looked like sleepy happy people with no worries in the world. Tom,on the other hand,looked like his sweet face had been through hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You left me" He said to me, all puppy eyed,and cute

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Sorry. We couldn't be there anymore."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I am really drunk" he said,handing me the wine. "And I am really unhappy."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What happened after we left?" Ben asked,taking the wine from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Chaos."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What kind of chaos exactly ?" I asked him

 

 

 

 

 

"Those girls got booted out.Greg got them kicked out for obstruction of privacy or something which made the reception screech to a halt. He tried to talk them out of going to press but the one girl already sent an email to The Sun. He thinks that even without a photo,there are enough witnesses for credibility. He told me he would get his lawyer involved and see what he will come up with tomorrow but that it doesn't look good. As I said, I am really drunk and I would like to lie down now" he said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Greg did all of that for us?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes. He is a really nice man. Sent your mum and dad home in a fancy car. By the way,Katie is really pissed off.Started screaming about me not being gay. Everyone wants an explanation. I told them that you will tell them all tomorrow when they come to help you move."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What?Move?Move where?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"To my house." Tom said. "With me"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What?" I yelled

 

 

 

 

 

"Greg....." Tom began. He held his mouth as if he were going to vomit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I understand" Benedict said. His face lit up like it does when he realises something no one else does. I teased him about it all of the time with his mother because she agrees that he becomes impatient when others don't see things he sees obviously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well,will someone tell me what the fuck is going on,please?"

 

 

 

 

 

"If you move in with Tom,the press will stop digging around. You will just be cheating on me with him.That's it. That's the story. It's smart."

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes but how is that a good thing???"

 

 

 

 

 

"Because they won't find out the truth."

 

 

 

 

 

     That is how my night ended. The tabloids were going to pick up the story in whatever way they could. If they didn't have the full truth,they would make it up. They would dig it up and talk about all of the times Tom was in and out of my house,or all of the times we hovered near each other,our hands nearly touching. There would always be witnesses,people that we didn't know,and hadn't met. It was smart to make our own story and say that Tom and I were lovers and that Benedict knew nothing about any of it. It was easier to lie about our lives than face what would actually happen if they knew the truth. I didn't mind taking the brunt of most of it since Tom's kind face would exempt him and Benedict would be innnocent as can be. The only thing I cared about was not waking up to Benedict beside me every morning. We'd been in this routine for years and it felt like we were really ending it this time. Still,it was for the best. But whose best?

 

 

 


	15. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie and her mum talk about things

      Dear Reader,

 

           I couldn't face them. I couldn't have them look at me with their judge-y eyes,their clean love lives. My parents have been married for over thirty years and neither have strayed.They won't even look at other people the way tried  and true  couples do. I envy that. Do you,friends? But as much as i want that for myself, I look at people like my parents,and wonder if they've ever wished things had turned out differently. Would mum have married that American soldier instead of my simple father,and have chosen a life full of adventure, and hot sex? Why did she choose to settle in Gloucester is the better question.

       Then,of course,there is Katie. We've been mates for years. We are the type of best friends that share clothes,and sometimes saliva (Just kidding. It was only once. I swear.Might have been twice now that I think about it.). People are fortunate to find a good friend these days ,I think. We are honest but not mean. We are there for each other in the worst of times,and we aren't (usually.Until the Tom thing started) a part for more than a week. The point is,she is in my life, I love her like a sister,and I want to tell her the truth but how do I go about that?I should have told her from the start.How do I tell her that the person she has a crush on has been shagging me all this time and I SAID NOTHING???

      I am in quite a pickle,readers.

 

     Also,what the fuck? I am now moving in with Tom. My life is turning into an episode of Geordie Shore.

 

                                                                                                                          -Maggie

 

 

 

 

 

"It is irresponsible!"

 

 

 

 

"I know,mum"

 

 

 

 

"What were you thinking,Margeret,Honestly?"

 

 

 

 

"I don't know,mum."

 

 

 

 

"We didn't raise you like that. I didn't raise you like that."

 

 

 

 

 

"I'd be worried if you had"

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't take that tone with me,Margeret. I am beyond belief. I don't really understand. How could you do this? Have you no self-respect? Have your dad and I not been good influences? What is next? Are you going to tell us that you are running off to join the stripping brigade with little see through leotards and pasties?" My mum shrieked.

 

 

 

 

 

"Brigade?" I asked. "What are you on about?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I am on about you being on top of two men and neither of which you are married to."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey, I had a ring on that finger" Benedict called from the other room where he and Tom were holed up while I had a lovely conversation with my over-bearing mother and unusually mute father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh,shut up,Benedict" mum shouted. "I am mad at you too you know. You are not unscathed and I will talk to you boys when I am done talking to my daughter about the pros and cons of having multiple relationships. I mean,Margeret,you could get pregnant. Are you using protection?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes! Of course I am!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"She means condoms" my father said,avoiding eye contact with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes. Thanks. Dad" I said through gritted teeth. "I am not a child. I know what I am doing"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No, you don't" Benedict shouted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Shut up!" mum and I shouted at the same time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You haven't a clue" mum said. "You are going into this with your eyes closed and your legs open."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Maybe I should go in there with the boys" dad said,getting up and nearly running to the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Good idea" I said. "Wait,Dad!Why don't we all go on and-"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"-sit down,Margeret. I am not done with you. You've made a mess."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I have"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"And how do you intend on cleaning it up?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I shrugged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    I thought my mum's ears were going to catch fire by how red they were. You could quite literally see the steam curling up through her hair,sending smoke signals out for anyone in the vicinity. BEWARE. ANGRY MUM AROUND HERE. ANGRY MUM ANGRY ABOUT DAUGHTER'S ILLICIT AFFAIRS WITH INSANELY ADORABLE BRITISH ACTORS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"This is all a joke to you." she scoffed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's not,really. I'm tired of talking about it. You may think this was some flippant decision on my part but it wasn't. Okay, I have no idea what the hell that it is I am doing with all of this but I've chosen it.I can't change it.I can't change the way things are"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Then stop it."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I don't want to"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What is the point? Is it to get your rocks off?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No.It's not about the sex."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Then what is it? Did you not feel loved enough?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Benedict came through the door and leaned against the frame. He looked at me earnestly and asked me if it was true, and that he had never thought about it that way. My mum looked back and forth between us,pleased with herself,and extremely smug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You loved me just fine" I said to Ben. " It had nothing to do with that. It wasn't ......"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    I stopped talking. How do you end a sentence like that? Yes,Benedict. It was you and your sour attitude that wasn't enough for me. I needed more love. I needed more from you and by the time you came around it was too late, and I had fallen for someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You love Benedict. You were going to marry Benedict and have little babies and live in a beautiful cottage and spend your days like me and your dad, spend your days happy." she said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"and maybe one day I will"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't you think three is a bit crowded?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"This place is spacious enough" I said sarcastically.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's not normal!" mum snapped. "Don't you agree,Benedict,dear?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't answer her" I pointed at him."She doesn't get to control you too"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Your father and I have made a lovely life-"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"-I don't want your life,mum" I said." I want my own. I want to figure out what that is for myself. I don't care what people think. I don't care how it makes me look because I know and they know that that's not that way that it really is. We are trying to make the best out of what we have. I am trying to fix the mess I put myself in"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"And how are you going to do that? What is the endgame?Look at Benedict. Don't you think he deserves an answer? "

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll choose one" I said,shutting my eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"One?" mum said. "Which one?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I don't know that yet"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Then you are lying to yourself." she said. "Benedict is..not that Tom isn't..but.."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" I can't do this" I said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    I grabbed my coat and rushed past my mum. I swung open my-Benedict's now-front door and went into the hallway. Ben followed behind me,his coat swishing behind him. I heard Tom's hurried footsteps come down after him. Ben grabbed the door before I could open it and step out into the sunlight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" Are you sure you want to run away like this?" he asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

    I looked up at my mum hanging in the door to our-Ben's- place. She wasn't smug anymore. She wasn't anything,really. She just looked at me with wide eyes ,and then looked at both of my boys crowding around me,ready to save the damsel in distress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I nodded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll run away with you then" Ben said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You can't. As of this morning the world thinks are are broken up. You can't be seen with me"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuck the world" he said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"She is right" Tom said." I'll go with her."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No!" I shouted. "Sorry. I just want to be alone right now. I will call you later"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     I walked aimlessly for what felt like hours but actually only turned out to be forty-three minutes. I spent most of that time in Top-Shop sitting in the changing rooms and crying.I got the funniest stares and sniggers from teenagers whilst walking by Lush, and I really thought I heard someone mutter "slag". I saw a freshly printed magazine with my face on it which was neat (Just kidding. It was fucking terrible. They choose the worst photos.I was drunk. It was a colleagues hen night.I don't think I need to say any more) Before I could even reach the end of the hour, I was calling Tom ,and he was coming to my rescue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You look beautiful" he said as soon as he got out of a cab.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tom,I have mascara under my eye and snot running from my nose." I said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I know"he said,smiling,and taking my hand." Let's have a walk. Shall we?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I am tired of walking."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I will carry you then"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No. People are already taking pictur-aahhh"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     Tom picked me up off the ground like he was carrying me over a threshold. He threw his head back in laughter which only caught more unwanted attention. You know,people always say The UK doesn't really care enough about celebrity culture and maybe they don't but when you live in the public eye you really know that to be false. Okay.Maybe they don't care but they sure as hell don't look away when your 6'2'' second boyfriend sweeps you off of your feet so that everyone can get a good view of your knickers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tom,please put me down" I said,trying to preserve my modesty. (Yeah,right)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Uh-uh. I am having way too much fun"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tom,please." I begged. I felt like I was going to cry again if he hadn't put me down right then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Maggie,if you can't laugh about things.....What are you going to do? Cry? Run away? Let everyone see you break? That hasn't worked out well for you so far,has it?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's hard." I said,stomping my feet on the ground. Hey,if everyone was going to treat me like a little Princess I was going to act like one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I know. I am a part of this too. I am going through everything you are going through as well. I am not your mum or your dad or your..Katie.. I'm yours. That's it. And one day I might not be yours and that scares the piss out of me but you know what? I will be damned if I let anyone see me break. So,what are we going to do? Are you going to let all of these people ruin your life or are you going to take control?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Control" I said as if it were the answer all along. It was though. Wasn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

"So,what now,sweetheart?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Katie's" I said. "We have to go to Katie's"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Alright" he said,taking my hand. "Let's go,love"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can do this.

 

 

 

 

I can so fucking do this.

 

 

 

 

*Cue angry punk music,and a London flash mob with signs saying "Go Mags" *


	16. TRUTH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie knows the truth won't set her free  
> But she knows that the lies are keeping her a prisoner in her own life

"Maggie,I have something to tell you"

 

 

 

 

 

     My fist is mid-air,and ready to rap on the door to Katie's flat.It hovers as I look to Tom. His eyes are frightened,and watery.His whole posture is slack,mimicking my own. I drop my arm down to my sides ,and wait for him to speak. He opens and shuts his mouth,begging the words to come out. I know that whatever he wants to say isn't going to be good. I feel that in my whole body.  

 

 

 

 

"What is it?" I ask him.

 

 

 

 

I dread all of the possible things he could say. They swim around inside of my head like parasites:

 

 

 

 

I don't love you anymore

 

 

I don't want you anymore

 

 

I hate you and I never want to see you again

 

 

 

 

 

"What is it?" I ask more forcefully. "Why are you telling me now? Why couldn't you have told me earlier?"

 

 

 

 

    Tom looks at the ground.I know he has done something wrong,and that he thinks it to be a betrayal ,whatever it is. Happy go lucky Tom always made cheery eye contact until he felt dishonour,and then he'd look at the floor,accepting that he's scum. I know this because he's told me that when a horse hangs his head it means he is ashamed. What have you got to be ashamed about,my love? I lean against the wall to support myself just in case it's a blow that will knock me off of my feet.

 

 

 

 

 

" I wasn't going to tell you" he said,a fat tear rolling down his face.

 

 

 

 

 

"Tell me what?" I asked,clutching my chest.

 

 

 

 

 

"Katie kissed me" he said after a beat.

 

 

 

 

 

"Okay" I said. "That's not what I was expecting. Katie has always had a crush on you. That's not a big surprise. To be honest, I am a little bit relieved that-"

 

 

 

 

 

"-I kissed her back"

 

 

 

 

 

   Tom is openly weeping now. He reaches out to comfort me but I slap his hand away. I am unable to speak. I just kind of stare at him with an open mouth,my eyes glistening,my heart ripping from my chest. This is not the way things were supposed to go. I was meant to come here,to take control,and to gift the truth to my best friend. And now..well now I am not really sure what is even happening.

 

 

 

 

 

"That's not all."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why are you telling me this?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You need to know before..before she...Maggie,Katie is not who you think that she is...She...We.."

 

 

 

 

 

I shook my head. "When?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Last night. The wedding." he said. " Everyone was looking at me. Katie pulled me away from it all..she knows,Maggie. She knew about us this whole time and she's out for revenge..I didn't..she..."

 

 

 

 

 

"Keep going" I said,my eyes glazing over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I take full responsibility for my actions..I.."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Keep. Fucking .Going"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why don't I tell the tale,dear?" a voice said from behind us. "It's much better from my mouth. Then again,everything is better from my mouth. Isn't it,Tom?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Katie is hanging out of the door. That's funny,I didn't even hear it open. The corner of her mouth is drawn up into a smile. She tilt's her head at me and winks. I look at her blankly before imagining myself going for her throat. I can feel the way her imaginary bones crush beneath my fingertips.I can hear the gurgling sound escape from her throat. It snaps me back to reality,to Katie smirking,and to Tom crying.No matter what I think about doing to her I know it will never hurt her the way she's hurt me. She already won and we both know it.

 

 

 

 

 

"Come in then" she said. "I've been expecting you. I must say I didn't expect to see him when we finally had this chat but I can't say I don't like it. Eh,Tom?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Stop" Tom said,quietly. "Just stop it."

 

 

 

 

 

Katie throws her head back and laughs," What are you more scared of,Tom? That she has found out or that you actually liked the way I made you feel?"

 

 

 

 

 

   I am shocked at my silence,my defeat. Is it maturity? I sure hope so. Maybe I am scared too. Either way, I shove past Katie and head into her flat. I've been here more times than I can count. I've slept here,my sick has been on the floor,my laughter still clings to the walls,and yet,it doesn't feel the same. This place is foreign. You can practically taste the betrayal seeping down the walls,and the anger sifting through the cracks. Relationships are just cracks on the surface,aren't they? You can cover them up,lie about the beauty ,but they will always still be there to suck you under, and make you feel like a stranger.

 

 

 

 

 

   I feel Tom behind me. He stays close to me,willing to become a part of my shadow. I don't move away from him even though I am angry. I don't have the energy to push him away ,and if I am honest with myself, I know that I am partly to blame for all of this happening to me. Katie waltzes into the room like she is the star of the show ,and we've been waiting for her all our lives. She turns off the telly,and stands before us with her arms crossed. I wait for her to start but I am frustrated and impatient. The show must go on.

 

 

 

 

 

"How long have you known?" I asked.

 

 

 

 

 

"Is that really the question you want to ask first? Not how much I enjoyed Tom's mouth on my lips?"

 

 

 

 

 

I nod. I am not going to give in to her game. "I want to start from the beginning"

 

 

 

 

 

"Pity" she said,smiling . "I guess I can wait to get to the good stuff then. So you want to know when I knew? When didn't I know,Maggie? I knew when I first met you that you were a selfish little bitch. Everything was always about you ,and your life. It is amazing how long we remained friends seeing as I can't stand you. Oh,don't look so offended. Did you think we had a good friendship? Maybe from your side we did. I listened to you.I was there for you always with just the right words.It was me that cleaned vomit out of your hair ,and told you were pretty. I did all these things for you, and then you left and only came back when you wanted to go out because you were lonely or you wanted to double date because you had a boyfriend. Not everyone's life revolves around you . Well,mine sure as fuck didn't. Do you realize that the only time you ever talked to me was to vent about your problems? I must admit, I was gobsmacked after you didn't come to me when you met Tom. I knew the second you walked in with stars in your eyes. You shut your fat mouth for once .I couldn't believe it.Yeah ,that should have made me thrilled that I could finally talk about my life for a change, but then I realised that you weren't even listening. You were just bloody thinking about your life instead of chatting about it.I was so livid. You know what, Maggie? The only time you payed attention to me was when I fawned over Tom,which,by the way, was complete shite. I just wanted to see you squirm. It worked. It worked better than I thought it would. I was really lucky he came to the wedding last night too. Do you want to hear about that or do you want to talk about you some more?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuck you,Katie" I spat.

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuck me? Sorry but you're not my type." she said. She looked Tom up and down. "Tom might be though."

 

 

 

 

 

"How could you do this to me?"

 

 

 

 

 

"And now you are playing the victim" Katie sighed. " Please,Maggie. You've laughed far too much behind my back to ask me that. Poor me,right? Poor hopeless Katie with her crush on Tom. Tell me. Did you fuck Tom and think of me? Did it satisfy you to know that I would never have him like you have him? Did it make you feel better than me because you had two men pining after you and I've had none? I bet you loved being the center of everyone's attention. I bet it made you feel less like the piece of shit that you are."

 

 

 

 

 

"All I've been was your friend!" I shouted. "You are wrong. I didn't think any of that stuff. I am selfish. Yes, I lied. I should have told you the truth but I never thought I was better than you. I never in my life looked down on you. I thought you were my best friend. I thought we loved each other."

 

 

 

 

 

" Yeah well love's a three second drunken happy birthday phone call. Remember that? You don't by the look on your face,do you? I will also mention that you forgot to hang up and how I sat there on my birthday listening to you fuck Tom and then fuck Benedict. What would the world think of you?" she said just as loud as I.

 

 

 

 

 

"I don't give a fuck what the world thinks.."

 

 

 

 

 

"Really? Could have fooled me. All of these lies circulating around about the three of you. You're breaking. I take pride in breaking you further."

 

 

 

 

 

"Why? If you can't stand me, why not stop talking to me? Why let it come to this?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't you get it? I want you to suffer for all of those years you made me listen to your pathetic stories. I want you to get what you deserve." she said menacingly.

 

 

 

 

 

"That's not fair" Tom whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

Katie's eyes set on Tom. "You've been quiet. Care to finish the story?"

 

 

 

 

 

"You make me sick." he said.

 

 

 

 

 

"You weren't sick when you were thrusting your cock down my throat."

 

 

 

 

 

   Katie looks at me,expecting me to crumble. I want to. I can feel my knees wanting to buckle.When I close my eyes I feel dizzy,and like I'm losing control again. I open my eyes and stare her down hard. I have some dignity left in me, and I'm not going to hand it over to her so that she can crush it under her shoe. I am not going to allow someone else to shape my life especially someone whose knife handle still rests in my back. Instead of launching myself at her and playing out an old fantasy of mine, I pick myself up,take a deep breath and become the woman my mother raised me to be.

 

 

 

 

 

"You want me to talk about you?" I asked her." Let's talk about it then. It takes one hell of a person to do what you did. I admire you,really,Katie. Honestly. You've exceeded my opinion of you. Of course,what does my opinion matter to you anyway? Right? You've only spent our friendship obsessing over me. Oh,don't get so offended,love. It's okay. You don't need to tell me the truth. I know you've been struggling with things in your life. I don't really hold that against you."

 

 

 

 

 

"If you think you are going to get under my skin...."

 

 

 

 

 

  I shake my head. "Katie, I couldn't give a fuck about you. You're right. Congratulations. You've won. Is that what you want to hear? Will that make you sleep alone better at night? I know I will sleep amazingly tonight with Tom. Yeah,good old Tom. Did you think I would dump him? Oh,you did. Pity. Did you think he would come running to you?"

 

 

 

 

 

"I..I don't want your sloppy seconds"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Could have fooled me. His dick was in your mouth just last night."

 

 

 

 

 

"And it was great" she said,smugly.

 

 

 

 

 

I smiled politely. "For you ."

 

 

 

 

 

"He loved it" Katie said,looking at Tom. "He was begging for more."

 

 

 

 

 

"I wasn't. I swear. I..Maggie she pulled my pants down and put her mouth on me . I tried to pull away but she held me. Five seconds later and I got the hell out of there as fast as I could." Tom stammered. "I don't want her. I only kissed her back because I was angry that you left me. "

 

 

 

 

 

"I believe you" I said. I do believe him but I feel a sickness brewing in my belly ,and if I hear any more about Katie's mouth on Tom's cock I am going to throw-up." Come on,Tom. We should go."

 

 

 

 

 

"I am not done talking to you!"Katie called.

 

 

 

 

 

"If all you wanted was for me to listen to you,this was a shitty way to get that. Now you have no one." I said. I take Tom's hand in mine. "Enjoy your life,Katie. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted it too. Not everyone get's what they want."

 

 

 

 

 

"You can only get what you deserve" Tom said.

 

 

 

 

 

"And you will. All of you" Katie said. "I hope you will like your new life,Maggie."

 

 

 

 

 

  I rush Tom outside. As soon as we hit the pavement, I throw his hand away from me. I flag down a cab and get inside.Tom does not follow me. He knows better. I ride around for awhile,the pounds adding up, before I tell the driver to abruptly stop.I step out into the blinding sun ,and stand in front of a building with a big red sign hanging from the front:

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                         "THE SUN"

 

 

 

 

 

        I walk calmly into the building. I sit down and wait patiently for a meeting to be over.They recognise me straight away,and usher me into an office. As I speak,their mouthes hang open at the appropriate parts. It takes me over an hour to tell them the truth,my truth. When it's over,they shake my hand,and offer me money. I tell them I don't want their money. I just want to tell the truth in my own words before someone else can spin it into a lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Dear Reader,

 

           

                  I'm clutching the finished article in my hands right now. It comes out tomorrow for the world to see. No one knows what I did, not even Benedict, or Tom. I'm really scared.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                           -Maggie


	17. Maggie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benedict and Tom read "The Sun's" article.

    _ **MAGGIE**_

__

_**BY:TAYLOR JACKSON** _

 

 

 

Today's story may come as a bit of a shock to some of you Cumber Cookies and Hiddlestoners. Some of you  
 may be looking at each other with knowing eyes, and "I told you so's" ,while replaying your favorite 'Sherlock' episodes.  
 The rest of you will be kept in the dark no longer.  
  Yesterday,we at "The Sun" received a surprise visit from the ex-girlfriend of Benedict Cumberbatch.  
   Maggie,a twenty-something Londoner with girl next door looks,and a feisty attitude,came to us to set the record  
 straight.Previously,we reported that Maggie had cheated on Cumberbatch with our favourite villain,Tom Hiddleston. So,when  
  she walked through our offices,you could hear a literal pin drop. This was the girl that deceived and lied to our own super sleuth?  
  How did he not see it coming?  
  Listen,I've heard a lot about Maggie through word of mouth. I've scoured the internet for information,and pictures of the "chosen one" as I've seen  
  many papers dubbing her. I'll admit that I sat back in my chair,loathing this stranger just because she was dating my celebrity crush ,and I was sitting  
   at home drinking mimosa's whilst crying over re-runs of 'Friends'.  
   I nitpicked everything about her as being undeserving of his time and attention. When the story broke just days ago of the affair with Hiddleston,I was  
  ready for a witch hunt. Of course I was right all along about this trollop. Who did she think she is? Why would she break up a friendship between to  
   amazing men?  
   After I interviewed Maggie the first thing I did was apologise to her. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was openly hating on someone just because I didn't  
    like their life choices. I was wrong.  
  The last thing I will say before you read this interview is that Maggie never wanted anything from this but love. She didn't ask me to say this but I  
  feel for the girl. She's incredibly kind,smart as a whip,and respectful. The only thing she will ever be undeserving of is all of the negative attention. I ask you  
   to read this with an open mind,and an open heart. 

 

 

                                                                    

 

 

 

 

               T:How are you today? You look nervous.

 

 

  
             M:I'll be fine as soon as this is all over.

 

 

            T:I understand.It's very brave of you to come forward with this. Most celebrities keep their private live under wraps.

 

 

           M:I'm not a celebrity. I just happen to love one..two.

 

  
  
           T:Two? Would you be speaking about Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston?

 

 

          M: I am. By now you all know the story of this illicit affair. I cheated on Ben with Tom.

 

  
  
           T:And did you?

 

 

       M: I did. When I met Tom,Benedict and I were in a bad sort of place.That's no excuse,I know,but I want you to understand that Ben and I weren't going to make it much longer.

 

 

     T: But you didn't break up and you kept seeing Tom

 

 

     M:I loved Ben. I love him deeply. He is everything I have ever wanted.

 

 

     T: So,why go for Tom? What is something that Ben couldn't give you? Is it children?

 

 

    M:No. Not children. I don't really know what it was. We were both making each other miserable. I can't speak for Ben but I know that I...

 

  
  
  T:You know that you what? It's okay,Maggie. I think when people get to see the real you they won't think too much about what you say.

 

 

     M:I don't even know who the real me is on most days. When I met Ben I had also met myself for the first time if that makes sense. Here I was in this secure relationship  
      with this amazing man that made me feel better about myself and after time we had kind of lost ourselves in each other. We fought like normal couples but I could tell  
      that we resented the distance between us.

 

 

    T:What happened after you met Tom? Was it love at first sight?

 

 

    M: It was something at first sight. Have you met him?

 

 

     T: I have. He is very charming.

 

 

   M: Yeah.He is. (laughs) He's great. I met him and I began to see myself in him too. We clicked. It was instant but it wasn't love. The love only came when we both realised  
    that we needed each other no mattered what happened.

 

 

    T: Do you still feel that way?

 

 

    M: Yes.

 

 

    T:Okay. So,talk me through how it all started. Did he ask you out?

 

 

  M:Not really. He didn't want to betray Benedict like that. There was some open flirtation before everything went down.

 

 

   T: Did you have sex with him right away?

 

 

  M:I am not answering that!

 

 

  T: Fair enough. Did Ben's feelings ever cross your mind? Did you not feel guilty?

 

 

M:Of course I felt guilty. I made a disgusting choice to sleep with another man other than my fiance. I don't ask people to look past that. I know what I did.I know what kind of

 person that makes me. I felt guilty every time I went out.

 

 

 T:But why didn't you stop?

 

  
  
 M:Because I fell for Tom. The more time I spent with Tom,the more that Benedict and I were repairing our relationship. We communicated better. The sex was better. Sorry,but it's  
true. I became better not only for myself but for Benedict.

 

 

 T: I think most girls would love having both of those boys.

 

 

 M:Maybe. You would think it would be great but someone is always going to get hurt. In this case,I hurt every single one of us including myself. There is no going back either.

 

 

 T: Would you if you could?

 

 

  M:(pause)

 

 

  T: I don't think you would.

 

 

  M: I don't think I would either. I love them so much.

 

 

 T: I believe you. For the people reading this,I just want to say that the way Maggie looks when she is talking about Benedict and Tom is giving me chills. I don't condone  
 cheating. I am a married mother of two and cheating,for me,is a big no-no but I don't know. I am not sure I would be able to take the moral high road. I think I would have made the same  
 choices.

 

 

M:Thank you.

 

 

T: No problem. Okay. Moving on to a bit more of a darker tone. We know the story here at "The Sun" because you just told it to us but for everyone out there who hasn't. Can you tell  
 them what happened when Benedict caught you both?

 

 

 M:Oh,he didn't catch me. Ben knew the whole time.

 

 

  T: That absolutely astounds me!

 

 

 M:Yeah,me too.

 

 

 T:Why didn't he say anything?

 

 

 M:He didn't want to lose me. I think he noticed pretty early on that the change in our relationship was because of Tom.

 

 

  T:Still,that must have been hard.

 

 

 M:You would have to ask him.

 

 

  T:Yeah that won't ever happen. Have you any idea how long we have tried to get an interview with him? He hates us.

 

 

   M:He doesn't hate you. Benedict just doesn't like people prying into his life. He is very private.

 

 

 

  T: What do you think he will say when he reads this?

 

 

  M:I don't know. He understands how hard things are for me. He lets me make my own choices.

 

 

   T:He sounds like a great man. Why would you ever give him up?

 

 

  M:Because I am an idiot. Luckily,it all worked out but very differently than what I had thought.

 

 

   T:This is probably my favourite part of the story!

 

 

M:It's definitely not mine.

 

 

  T:What happened when he confronted you,Maggie?

 

 

 M: He was very drunk.  I was sober. I thought things were going to go badly but Benedict suggested something totally out of  
 the ordinary for him.

 

 

  T:And what was that?

 

 

  M: He suggested that things keep continuing the way they were. I thought he was just drunk and out of his mind but I asked him again when he was sober and his mind  
 was made up. Ben wanted me to keep seeing Tom.

 

 

  T:And leave him?

 

 M:No.He wanted me to keep seeing them both. I don't know what any of us were thinking but we agreed.

 

 

 T:And Tom?

 

 

  M:Tom was fine with it.

 

                                                                                                                                                   

                     

  T:Just for the people slow on the uptake. Your current relationship status is...?

 

 

  M: I am with them both. Benedict Cumberbatch is my boyfriend and so is Tom Hiddleston.

 

 

 T: Do you know how mental that is?

 

  
  
 M:I live it. So,yeah. I must say that it's a lot less stressful now than before.

 

 

 T:You like dating two men? Isn't it exhausting? How does that ever work?

 

 

  M:We alternate. They both go away to work a lot so it's easier most of the time. It's not how you think it would be. They don't fight for my affection. There is no jealousy or anything  
   like that.It's fairly normal.

 

 

  T:We have different views of what is normal. So,what do you expect from people knowing the truth?

 

 

 M: I expect nothing. I never cared much about people's opinions but I find it much easier without all of the lies. I'd rather people have the right idea bout me and hate me than believe  
 some shit story that isn't true. We are very happy together. I know some people can't grasp that but it's true. I can't imagine my life being any different right now. I don't think I would want  
  it to be. I am so in love with them.

 

 

  T:Aww. Well,I wish you nothing but the best. Is there an endgame in sight?

 

 

   M: There is but I am not going to tell you. We've mutually decided not to do this forever. It's our choice.

 

 

   T:Okay. Final question and I have to ask this so don't hate me. Benedict or Tom?

 

    At this point Maggie offers me a coy smile that says she knows what she is doing ,but I firmly believe,just from speaking with her,that she doesn't. And that's okay for her. And if it's okay for her,it's  
okay for me.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            -TJ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

    Benedict folds the article in half and rests it on his knee. He won't look at me.He won't do much of anything but stare down at the floor in a trance. I wait patiently for him to say something,anything,but the silence is too heavy,and I have to know what he is thinking. Tom is next to him with his own copy rolled up in his hands. He is using it to drum softly on the coffee table. I am still pissed at him and even if he disagrees with the way I went about things,he won't ever admit it. Tom's been following me around like a lost dog begging for forgiveness. I forgive him. I love him but I want him to soak in his own shit for a little while longer.

 

 

 

"Say something." I plead.

 

 

 

 Tom and I both watch Benedict closely. If he falls apart,we all fall apart. We count on him to be okay with this. I don't know what I would do if he disapproves of it ,and suddenly wants out of this relationship thing we have going on.

 

 

 

"You can both stop looking at me" Ben said "I'm not angry. "

 

 

 

"You aren't happy either" I said. "If I had seen another way.."

 

 

 

"Mags,really,it's okay. I would have done the same. This has gone way too far."

 

 

 

"What has?" I ask,choking back tears. "Us?"

 

 

 

"No.Not us. This circus we live in. I don't give a fuck who knows about us anymore" he said. "But the moment it starts affecting my work...We get hounded daily. What will happen to us now?" 

 

 

 

"We shouldn't have to hide" Tom said.

 

 

 

"I agree" Ben said back." But that doesn't change things."

 

 

 

"Exactly" Tom said. "And it won't change us."

 

 

 

"Do you believe that?"

 

 

 

"I do" Tom said. "I am not proud. I know the only reason we are in this mess is because of me"

 

 

 

"That's not entirely true" I said. "Everything is traced back to me. It's my fault."

 

 

 

"That's the first time you've spoken to me. I pray it's not the last."

 

 

"No" was all I said. "Ben,when we step outside tomorrow, and the whole world is staring at us,I want you to know something,okay? I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world."

 

 

 

Tom cleared his throat. "I'll just leave you then" he said before trying to get up. I yanked him back down by his arm. I sat between them and put my arm around each of them.

 

 

 

"I love you _both_ more than anything in this world.  No matter what happens tomorrow I want you to know that you are my best friends ,and I don't know what I would do without you. " I said,squeezing both of their shoulders.

 

 

"I love you too" Ben said.

 

 

"Me too" Tom added softly.

 

 

"So.."Benedict began. "What do we do on our last night of freedom.?"

 

 

 

 

 

                           Dear Reader,

 

 

 

                                                                                            We promised we wouldn't all sleep together again.

                                                   

                                                                                             Fuck it.

 

                                                                                            There are no more secrets,no more walls,no more ropes binding us

 

                                                                                            Well,maybe there is a little rope  ;D

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                   -Maggie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. Six months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's four months later, and life is great for some of them,but not for all.

Dear Reader,

 

It's been six months now, and four since the interview.I haven't written anything in a really long time and I apologise for shutting you out.It felt like the right choice for me to focus on other things. Mainly the relationship but a lot has been happening in my own life as well. I quit my job,and now I manage Tom's life along with Luke Windsor (Luke has also sort of become my best friend along the way too).It was Tom's decision as he saw how unhappy I was circling around the same business as Katie. I wasn't going to take the job since it would mean spending more time with Tom ,but Benedict agreed that it was a conscientious choice. It's worked out surprisingly well so far.A couple of weeks after starting,I decided to move out of Benedict's, and into a new flat close to the both of them.It's been quite strange living on my own again but I like it. We've struggled with separating relationships in the past but now it comes easily. Also,I've found that it makes each bond stronger.  
I am nowhere near deciding what I want. I know that. They know that. It hasn't been hard, I've just not been thinking about it too much. Going public really changed things for the better. The backlash was horrible but I expected nothing short of burning me at the stake. The fans weren't as upset as I thought they would be though. Actually,they have taken my side in lieu of the article. It's weird but I've kind of got a fan base now and they send me letters and things.It's nice. My mother still doesn't understand but she doesn't argue with me anymore. My father couldn't care less ,and the only other people's opinions that matter to me happen to be the only other two in this story.  
Anyway,life has been great. Nothing amazing has really happened that I would be excited to tell you about.I hope you are all still with me.I don't know why but I like imagining you all listening to me from wherever it is you are.It's nice to think that I am not alone.

 

                                                                                                                      -Maggie

 

 

 

 

"Faster" I cry out.

 

Tom hovers above me,pounding into me like a jackrabbit. He rests his arms against my headboard and pushes himself deeper into me.I wonder what my neighbors think as they hear the slamming of the headboard against their wall. We've already had one complaint so far by the flat underneath us. Oops.

 

 

"Harder.Faster."

 

 

"Maggie,if i go any harder I'm going to drill you into the floor"

 

 

I grab his ass ,and try pushing him deeper a deeper. Tom slaps my hand away,takes them both and pins it above my head so I can't move. I try bucking my hips up but he gives me a look that makes me sink back down in defeat. I would never have thought that Tom would be the aggressor but he has certainly stepped up to the plate in the last months.

 

 

"Hey! That's not fair" I pout.

 

 

"I have no more dick left" he said.With each pound he grits his teeth and adds,"I.am.going.as.deep.as.I.can.go."

 

 

I come first. The spasm I create sends him into oblivion right after. Tom falls onto the mattress next to me in a sweaty mess. We lay quietly,our breathing rattling together,our naked bodies tangled up in sheets. He is still hard,and I still want him. I want him all of the time. I crave him even more than before if that's possible.

 

 

"Again?" I ask,trying to catch my breath.

 

 

"Darling,if we go again I won't be able to walk." Tom said. He checks his watch on my bedside table.I know he's got some important meeting where we both need to be but I don't care. He needs to be here with me while we still have time. When Tom turns to look back at me to speak, his mouth hangs open instead. I am on my knees in front of him. I reach down for his dick and start sliding my hands up and down.He let's his head fall back into the pillow,and closes his eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ" he moans as I take him in my mouth.

 

 

There is a knock on the door that interrupts us. We both jump up as if we're two naughty children doing something we shouldn't be.

 

"Fucking Luke" Tom mutters.

 

"This is the fourth time he's done this,Tom. Can't he call?"

 

 

Tom's phone starts going ringing. I can see "LUKE" splayed across the screen in big letters. Tom answers with an irritated "Hello?"

 

 

I take him in my mouth again and am delighted when he nearly drops the phone. I bob my head up and down,letting my fingers massage his balls. I can feel his body shake with pleasure.

 

"Luke....ah...yeah I will be right there..give...me a minute okay?" Tom barked. He hit "End Call" and let the phone slide onto the floor.His fingers slipped into my hair and tugged. "I don't know if I can come knowing that he is just sitting out there waiting. Do you think he knows what we're doing?"

 

I let him fall out of my mouth. "Probably."

 

There is frantic knocking at the door again. I hastily get up off of the bed,wrap a sheet around me and march to the door. I swing it open and am surprised to see that it isn't Luke standing there but Benedict. I don't have time to respond before Benedict lifts me up in his arms and swings me around.Tom comes out of my room with sweatpants hanging off of his lean hips.

 

Ben looks at Tom and says. "We've been nominated for an Oscar. I just got the call."

 

 

"Seriously?"

 

"Yeah. Both got a leading actor nomination. Congratulations" Ben said. He let me down and went to hug Tom who stood there in disbelief. "May the best man win"

 

 

Oh.

 

I can feel the competitiveness coming off of Benedict in droves lately. I don't know if he feels threatened by Tom's dominance but he's definitely different. Maybe it's my imagination playing tricks on me. It's so close to the actual end of all of this that I'm probably thinking too hard into things.

 

 

"I can't believe this. "Tom said,dumb founded. "I have to call my mum."

 

 

"The meeting can wait." I told him. "I can get Luke to reschedule. The studio will understand"

 

 

Tom nods absently and then disappears into my bedroom. Benedict took me in his arms as soon as the door shut and planted a kiss on my lips,my collarbone,my throat, and every inch of skin not covered by the sheet.

 

"I'm so happy for you" I said.His hands ran underneath the sheet and up my thigh. He slipped a finger between my legs. I lifted up my right leg and wrapped it around him so he could move in and out easier.

 

"How happy?" he asked.

 

"You're a bad boy" I giggled.

 

Ben smirked.He pushes two fingers deep into me. I am wet,and ready but the moment vanishes when Tom walks out,his ear to the phone,and a look of displeasure on his face. We had made a pact not to mix things together any more but to keep it as divided as possible. It worked really well for awhile but they are two healthy men whose libido needs attending to regularly. I must admit that a little jealousy has cropped up here and there.To me,it makes it all the more fun.

 

I feel Ben's fingers slide out of me. I put my leg down and hug the sheet closer to my body. I kiss Benedict on the cheek,tell him I would see him later,and lead him out of the door.

 

"I love you,Mags"

 

"I love you too,baby"

 

When I head back into the room, Tom is saying goodbye to his mum ,and promising to call her later.

 

 

"Luke rang through" he said. "Meetings cancelled. They are celebrating my nomination instead. Will you come with me and be my date?I know you have plans with Benedict.."

 

"....No.It's fine. I want to be there for you,Tom"

 

He smiled. "I love you"

 

I go over to him and press my head against his chest while his erection presses against my lower stomach. I waste no time in reaching into his pants and continuing what I set out to achieve .

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Dear Reader,

 

It's Tom here.As you've probably heard,everything is okay with me. I can't complain seeing as this time last year I was very unhappy.Well,about as unhappy as a man can be who has everything in life,and is very blessed.  
Anyway,I won't keep you. Just wanted you to hear from me. I love you all whomever you may be.

                                                                                                                                                          Love,Tom

 

 

 

An Oscar. I am nominated for an Academy Award. I've very humbled,and thankful that anyone would consider me. Being against Benedict, I don't think I stand a chance at winning, but that is fine. I am grateful to be doing what I love.

 

I am realising how grateful I am with all that I have. I've always saw my life as something almost similar to divine intervention but I realise how callous that sounds.Not many people get to live their dreams.I am very,very lucky. That luck carried on the day that I might Maggie.I wish that all of you one day get to experience what I feel for her. It really opens your eyes and makes things seem insignificant.But that's love at it's best,isn't it?

 

 

"You're writing" Maggie said

 

I close her book with a soft thud and look up at her.She's wearing a very short,very red,dress that makes the blood in my veins flow elsewhere. I can't get enough of her.I can't think straight. When I look at her I think about nothing but making her quiver.

 

"Just thought I'd tack on some words. Do you mind?"

 

"Of course not" she said,coming to me." How do I look?"

 

"Stunning."

 

Maggie straddles me on the couch and lays a kiss on me. I cup her ass and grind her into my pelvis. A small whimper escapes her lips before there was a knock at the door. We both groan Luke's name in unison.

 

"You should get that" she said,rubbing herself against my cock.

 

 

The second knock send's Maggie jumping off of me in rage. I grab her before she can throw open the door and ring Luke's neck. I take her wrist in mine,swirling my finger against her pulse.

 

"I got you something" I said. "I want to give it to you before Luke ruins the moment."

 

"Okay. What is it?"

 

I produce a small box from my suit pants and open it. Nestled in red velvet sit's an opal ring,it's colours catching in the light.Maggie gasps upon seeing it,her eyes widen, and her mouth set's into a little tiny O. It takes a lot of self control not to kiss those pillowy lips.

 

"What do you think?"

 

 

"Are you asking me to marry you, Tom?"

 

 

I chuckle nervously. Jeez,if this is what the real proposal is like I am not sure I will be able to go through with it. "No.I wanted to get you something nice. Without meaning."

 

 

"Everything you do has meaning. It's beautiful.I love it."

 

"I want you to be mine" I said quietly,my voice sinking to a whisper. My heart is drumming against my ribs.I am almost sure she can hear it because she gives me such a calm,reassuring smile.

 

"Tom? We need to go" Luke calls from the other side of the door but we both ignore him.

 

"I am already yours" she said.

 

"But if one day you decide that I am not,i want you to still have this. Not to remember me by but just to remember what we had. I don't want you to forget about me" I said.

 

"I could never" Maggie said. She sticks her right hand out. I slip the ring down onto her ring finger.She holds it up to get a better look at it and I can tell she is pleased. All she has to do is give me a look before we are ripping each other's clothes off,Luke's "Fucking hell" making us laugh as I carry her to the bedroom to please her some more.

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Strangers of the interwebs or wherever the fuck you are from,

 

She doesn't know I have the journal.I am writing this from the couch as she is in the shower.Oh,the adventures this little book has gone on.It has a better social life than I do.  
Maggie just got in from celebrating with Tom. She stumbled in tipsy,smeared red lipstick,and just-fucked hair. Things that never got me jealous certainly reach me now. I know it shouldn't but I can't hide my feelings. Maggie is many things but thick isn't one of them.She is smart enough to hide the ring behind her back but because she is inebriated I see it straight away. It's pretty. It cost a lot of money. I don't know how it should make me feel but I can tell you that what I feel isn't great. And I am sorry for feeling it too.  
I don't understand how she can't see me? Does she not know me as well as I thought she did? Does she not know me at all? Is it all in my head? Maybe I am not okay with all of this and I am just lying to myself. I've only got six months before Maggie chooses between Tom and I. It's too fast. I don't want to let her go. I honestly feel like I am falling apart.  
Is it wrong of me ,Mags,to be bitter?I remember I once gave you a ring too. I hate myself for all that I am saying. Actually,I am probably going to rip out this page once I am done.Yes,I am definitely going to rip it out so she will never see it,but before I do, I want to get one thing off of my chest. I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice at all in this but if i did I would still choose you.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                -BC


	19. I need my girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Oscar night!

Dear Reader,

 

    It's Oscar night!I am incredibly jittery,and I honestly feel like I might cry. I am so proud at how far my boys have come. I can't stop kissing them and telling them so. After careful consideration we've decided to all go together as each other's date. It's our first real appearance outside of The UK. Benedict has his reservations but when it comes to me he always gives in,and I wanted more than anything to have them both near me on such a special night.We are a family of sorts and I think it would be nice to have this moment together even if one of them doesn't win. We've mentally prepared ourselves for if Ben wins and Tom doesn't or the other way around. Luckily,both of them are okay with losing.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                         -Maggie

 

 

 

 

 

"I have half a mind to rip that dress right off of you" Tom said.

 

 

 

 

 

     I am putting on jewels worth at least a hundred thousand pounds around my wrist. Tom's watching me,his eyes traveling down the length of my body in the mermaid style, ruby coloured dress. It's on loan and costs more than my whole life does,but I'm pretending it's mine for the night.I had designers from all around the world desperate to dress me,and yet I let Tom dress me (and undress me with his eyes it seems) because I wanted to please him. Benedict couldn't care less what I wear since his nerves are so on end. I give Tom my best "I'd like to see you try" stare,and wrap my bejeweled arms tightly around Ben. He's had about five cups of coffee since waking up,and his fingers are lightly shaking.

 

 

 

 

"I can't do this" Ben says,letting his head fall onto my shoulder.

 

 

 

 

"Yes you can." I tell him. I rub his back. I feel Tom staring at us from the corner of my eye. He is trying to rid himself of a smile out of respect for Ben but it's forced. Tom is anything but nervous. He has been bouncing off of the walls with natural energy,his body buzzing,and his mind going through the pros and cons of winning. I don't think Tom actually thinks he stands a chance with the competition.He's okay with that. He is just humbled to be in the same category with a lot of actors he respects. The award is in Ben's favour,and it's something he has always dreamed of. It scares him to think that anyone would like him enough to give him a prestigious award. He feels silly for feeling this way even if it isn't silly to everyone else.

 

 

 

"I don't want to let The Cumbercollective down" he said.

 

 

 

"You won't. They love you no matter what.You remember how they rallied around you after the whole Assange thing. They stand behind you every step of the way" I said. "Besides,everyone knows that you're absolutely going to win this."

 

 

 

"She's right" Tom chimed in.

 

 

 

"What if I trip up the stairs?" Ben asked.

 

 

 

"The whole internet with break out with gifs of your ass pointed up in the air" I joked. It got him to smile a little. He picked his head off of my shoulder,and stepped back to examine himself in the mirror.

 

 

 

 

"This view is stunning" Tom said. He's standing at a wall of windows overlooking the Hollywood Hills. They've booked us into a beautiful hotel with two connected rooms. It's painfully obvious that they know of us. I was on the phone trying to change it when Tom said he didn't mind,and that I could room with Ben if I wanted. I did want to. As happy as I want Ben to be,lately he's been disconnected from me. He seems worried. I think it's just because of all of this,and when this is done,he will be back to normal.At least,that is what I am telling myself.

 

 

 

Ben and I walk towards the window and breathe it all in. I've been to California before,obviously,but it always amazes me. I love the rolling hills,expensive mansions peppered across them.I love the lights,the sounds,the smell.Ben always jokes that we should move here and start a life. Sometimes I imagine that happening. The three of us lean against each other,and move only when Luke comes to fetch us for the red carpet.

 

 

_Showtime_

 

 

 

 

   The red carpet experience never fails to baffle me. I don't really care for it much. No matter where you are in the world it's all the same,just as rushed,as fake,and as scary. It's lovely meeting new people and old friends but it can be intimidating when people are craning their necks just to get a look at you. The real fans are amazing though. I once camped overnight for a chance to meet N'sync in Leicester square so I know what it's like,and how upsetting it can be when your idol doesn't acknowledge your existence.It swells my heart to see them hanging over the rails,their arms reaching towards their dreams. I've been fortunate to love two men who would do anything for those that love them. I wish the fans knew how much they loved them back. I honestly wish all red carpets from New York to Moscow were overrun with genuine fans and not reporters out for a story and the like.

 

 

 

   Then, of course ,there is the pressure to look your best as a woman. Men tend to have it easier in this part. You're sat there always wondering if you look too fat,too pimply,too pale,and men only wonder if they've tied their tie right or if their hair is hiding their bald spot. I guess everyone has pressure to look good. I wasn't a part of this lifestyle and I felt constantly judged by my hair,my dress,and whether or not I was dating Benedict . And now that our story has spread across the oceans,it's bound to get worse.

 

 

 

"Are you ready?" Luke asks. We've been sitting in traffic for over an hour,and are a bit late.Not only are we hungry,sweaty,and irritable ,but we're all now being succumbed to Ben's nerves. "It's best to just rip the band-aid right off,yeah?"

 

 

 

   Tom clears his throat. The sound echoes inside of the limo,and makes us all shift uncomfortably. I shoot a look at my boys. Benedict is staring down at his fingers,clasping,and unclasping them over and over again. His face is one I have seen many times. I know that inside of his head he is practicing what to say to interview questions so he doesn't sound like a prat. Tom is watching me closely,his eyes like a child's. I take both of their hands in mine,their slick palms sliding through. Ben looks up at me as if finally noticing I am there. His eyes are silently pleading with me to take him elsewhere. Over ten years in this game and you figure actor's wouldn't get nervous but it is quite the opposite. No one ever get's used to this kind of attention.No one.

 

 

 

"Luke,can you give us a moment? " I ask. Luke nods,and exits through my door. I can hear the cameras shuttering from outside,their owners calming down at the sight of the handsome publicist. "I want you both to know,before we are thrown into the Lion's cage,that I love you both. I am proud of each of you for working your bums off to get here today. I don't care who wins or who doesn't or if we all go home empty handed. I want us to remember this moment fondly as a good memory,and little else. We are together.We are alive. There is no place I would rather be. Now,are you ready?"

 

 

 

"Are you?" Ben asks. His question knocks me so off balance that I sit there stupefied,and speechless.

 

 

 

Am I? I guess so. This was my doing,and I will be damned if it will be our undoing.

 

 

 

"We should go" Tom said,taking the lead. I feel his hand tugging me behind as he is the first one to leave the limo. I pull Benedict along behind me but as soon as we are outside,his hand falls away from mine. I am clutching only Tom as people get their first photos in. Ben stands off to the side,his hair casually swept back.His demeanor is equally as casual. I feel Luke's hand on my back as he glides us forward. He tells us to smile,and drink it all in because this doesn't happen often.

 

 

 

   This is my life. I am overwhelmed greatly.My eyes begin to swell with tears as we walk the carpet,Ben,and Tom's names being chanted from the stands. Tom is still holding onto me,afraid that if he let's go,we will both float away. Benedict goes off on a tangent with his own publicist. I am herded through interview after interview on Tom's arms. Most people say hello to me,and ask me how I am holding up. I am polite,affectionate. They ask where our third party is,and we shrug it off,telling them that he is somewhere else.We are both in a bubble,taking pictures,and clinging to each other like a couple in love. I spot Ben from across a crowd of people,and he is watching us make the rounds. There is a fleeting moment of jealousy that passes his face before he is ushered up a pair of steps to give an interview to Ryan Seacrest. I think it might have been something I imagined but I know deep down that it isn't. Tom and I are jovial,and the people are loving us. I can see it in their faces that these Americans do not understand why i wouldn't choose someone as charming and as right for me as Tom.It's all a big mindfuck.

 

 

 

"We should find Ben" I say to Tom.

 

 

 

"He's made it clear he'd rather not be with us"

 

 

 

"I think he feels jealous,Tom." I say

 

 

 

Luke comes up behind us and says we have to go. "The show is going to start any minute. You have one last photo to take. Come on."

 

 

 

  We are ushered off to a section where a bunch of men are standing,cameras at the ready. I try pulling away from Tom but everyone is yelling my name. It's odd. I reluctantly allow Tom to pull me back. As soon as we are set to take photos I hear someone shout about a ring. I look down at the opal ring Tom gave me only weeks ago. It glistens on my ring finger,my _left_ ring finger. I immediately go to change it to my right but Tom stops me.

 

 

 

"It's done" he said. "They've seen it. Just smile"

 

 

 

   I can feel my hands shaking underneath Tom's firm grasp. I manage to grimace at the cameras and look up adoringly at Tom as he instructs me to do. Holy shit. I don't remember slipping the finger onto my left hand. I can imagine the headlines tomorrow in America and The UK.Benedict walking away from us will only add fuel to the fire.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                      "Maggie chose Tom"

                                                                                                                                    Read the story of how Maggie finally chose her leading man

 

 

 

 

"Oh my god" I whisper. "The lies will never stop. No matter what I do they will never stop."

 

 

 

  Luke pulls us away,and immediately is on his cell phone doing damage control. If I were working I would be doing the same instead of staring in horror at the stupid mistake I've made.When I am convinced I've ruined the night, Benedict comes back to us.He is smiling.He leans down to plant a kiss on my forehead. I can smell the sweet alcohol on his breath. Tom and I look at each other at the same time.

 

 

 

"Show's about to start.Let's go" Tom says. He goes to take my hand but Benedict grabs it first. He drags me through the crowd in a rush,happily greeting other actors as we pass. Tom is beside me,his eyes are wide,and ready to deal with things even though we know drunk Benedict is anything but manageable. "We are not going to make it out of this one"

 

 

 

"I know" I say. "I know"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    The ceremony is surprisingly entertaining. There are dance numbers,and the host is cracking witty jokes. No one even touches on the subject of my life which is fine by me. There isn't any food but the champagne is coursing through our bodies at an alarming rate. Tom isn't at our table,so I can't look to him for help. I am on my own. I am alone.

 

 

 

   About halfway through the show comes the award for Leading Actor. The whole place is quiet,too quiet. I am unaware of how many eyes are upon us. The whole table of A- list celebrities are watching me as I sit through the nominee list being read off by Meryl Streep,and LL cool J. Tom is tables away but it feels like he is right here with me,his kind fingers caressing my cheek. I need him more now than ever as Benedict is drunkenly staring at the screen,possibly waiting for his name to be called.

 

 

 

"And the award goes to" LL cool J says,opening up an envelope.

 

 

 

    Time is completely still. I don't know which outcome I am hoping for most but it is not one where Tom's name is called and the whole audience get's to their feet and cheers. It's definitely not one where Benedict slumps beside me,all of his hopes, and his dreams, crushed to a pulp. I can feel the pity sweeping around the table as Meryl and LL call out Tom's name. People are shocked,at best,but they are genuinely pleased to see Tom's reaction. He is so stunned,so humble,that the choice never seemed so clear.

 

 

 

   Tom get's up slowly from his chair.All eyes are on him as he makes his way over to me,and kisses me passionately. The camera's catch it,they pan to Benedict,and he gives a weak smile. Tom shakes Ben's hand before bounding up the stairs and taking the award from Meryl.

 

 

 

"Wow" he says into the mic. "Wow is really all I can think of to say. um....Thank you to the academy for even nominating me. I never dreamed I would win. I haven't prepared a speech or anything. I just want to thank everyone involved with making this film,the director,the cast,and crew. Without you all,my performance wouldn't be what it is,and I would not be standing here nearly shitting my pants..ehehehehe..sorry...Oh god..okay..I want to thank one last person and that's my girlfriend,Maggie. I love you very much. You are by far the best friend I've ever had.You make me a better man every single day.. I am going to quote Shakespeare..forgive me..I can hear the groans from up here..um...One half of me is yours, the other half ..yours ..Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,And so all yours....Thank you"

 

 

 

"Fucking hell" I hear Benedict say beside me. He rises up from his chair and disappears while on commercial break. I follow him. He knows I am there and let's me continue to hover behind him as he goes outside for a much needed cigarette. "I didn't win. " he says,swinging around to me. "I didn't win."

 

 

 

"Winning isn't important to you. It never was" I say,trying to console him. He pulls away.

 

 

 

"Whose okay with losing,Mags? We just try and tell ourselves that day in and day out so we don't fall the fuck apart but it's a lie" he said. "You think,Maggie,that since there are no more secrets that this whole thing isn't based on lies. We are all lying to ourselves still and you know it."

 

 

 

"Wait.What? Is this about us? Why are we talking about this again? I thought we were over this?"

 

 

 

"It always comes back to us. You should realise that by now."

 

 

 

"Why can't we be good for one second?" I whinge. "I did what I did so that we could live some kind of a normal life."

 

 

 

Ben shakes his head,inhaling smoke deeply. "It's too much stress"

 

 

 

"What is too much stress?"

 

 

 

"Being with you" he said." No..shit..I don't mean it like that. I'm suffering,Mags. It's not just about losing this stupid fucking award it's always about losing you. We go through this conversation a million times a month and yet nothing has changed. I am still going to lose you"

 

 

 

"You won't "

 

 

 

"Oh? Have you made your decision?"

 

 

 

"It isn't time yet." I say through gritted teeth. I fight back the tears. "What do you want from me?"

 

 

 

"You.Obviously you. You're all that I want in this lifetime and the next." he said.

 

 

 

"I..I don't know what to say..."

 

 

 

"Marry me"

 

 

 

"Ben.."

 

 

 

"Throw his ring off of the side of this building and marry me. Marry me,Mags. Make me a happy man. Make me sane." Benedict said. "I will go elope in Vegas if that is what you want. I will fly thousands of miles away to City Hall,to London,to Madrid if that's what you wanted to do."

 

 

 

"You're drunk"

 

 

 

"I am only drunk because I can't stand to look at you with him. I love Tom,I do.He is a great friend and brother but he is getting under your skin. He is taking you away from me. I can see it happening. You don't look at me the same way." he said.

 

 

 

"How do I look at you?"

 

 

 

"Like I'm the one that's in the way. I can't quote Shakespeare. I can't write you a sonnet. I can't do any of the things he can do but I need my girl. How am I supposed to win you if I can't win anything else? I am a loser,Maggie. I am nothing" he said,sadly.

 

 

 

"Stop. Ben,please."

 

 

 

"Not until you marry me"

 

 

 

"I...I..it's..."

 

 

 

"It's what? It's not that simple? It's not that easy? It's not what you want? It's not Tom you're saying yes to? "

 

 

 

"It's...It's five more months."

 

 

 

"Your mistake in all of this is thinking that I am still going to be here at the end of five months."

 

 

 

His words make us both stop speaking. Ben stubs out his cigarette and goes back inside,leaving me standing there alone. 


	20. Tom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Benedict walks away,Tom is there to pick up the pieces just like always. Told from Tom's point of view as he realizes just what he wants,and it isn't Maggie's choice any more. Nothing is Maggie's choice anymore.

 Dear Readers,

 

        Hello again.I like writing.I have figured that much out because of all of this. I like talking to people,having them listen to my thoughts,and getting across some kind of message. Writing is a great tool to have. I think that those that know the true meaning of love are those that can write. You feel things. You let these things become real.You are an enigma,and writing about what you feel helps other people understand you as well as yourself. I have learned quite a bit about who I am ,and who I am not through words. I never knew just how much until I fell in love with her ,and well up until the day I decided to let her go. She made me fall in love with the way a word sounds,the way she wraps them around her naked self,an open wound for the whole word to poke and prod. I hold that close to me. It's changed me. It's strange how fast things can change you.  
    I think I might want to take up writing in some form. I need a new way to express myself. I have so much emotion pent up inside of me. Ben isn't the only one needs. Maybe he is the only one without purpose but he isn't the only one with something to lose. We all have put everything we are into this.  
   Anyway,I don't like to dwell on negative thoughts. I think it's always okay to slip because you are human and that's what human flaw is. But it's not okay to keep yourself down. You must get up.You must fight,and remember that if no one else loves you,I love you.

 

                                                                                                                                 Love,Tom

 

 

 

 

    She rests her whole body on me,leaning into my soft bits for comfort. The car jerks us around but inside we remain still. I don't lay my hands down upon her. I simply let her lay on me and listen to her muffled cries. In my hand I hold the ring I gave her. It is her sadness that is refusing it and I do not take offense. It is okay. I do not know what happened between them ,but like always, I am here to pick up whatever pieces remain. Also,to not ask questions. I don't want Maggie to push me away anymore than she already has. I just want to be the thing that she can rely on,lean on,if you will.

 

 

 

   The drive home feels like forever. We stop at traffic lights at every end,and when I think she is going to speak,she just sighs. I direct the driver to her flat. I am not sure if that is what she wants but she doesn't deny me. She is so quiet.I feel like breaking down myself but I know that I can't. Maggie feels the way that I do,that things may not be fixed this time by an article or a proposal. Ben has walked away before but it has never felt this final. I can't say I didn't see it coming. He has been chipping away a lot recently. Maybe he just needs some time alone for awhile.

 

 

 

"Do you want me to come up?" I ask her as the driver stops at her door.

 

 

 

 

  Maggie hesitates.I make the decision for her by getting out of the car,opening her door,encasing her in my arms,and sending her up the stairs alone. I know when I am not wanted. I don't want to be that guy.I just want to be the guy that she wants but I am not. _I am not._

 

"Tom" Maggie calls before going in.

 

 

 

  One hand on the taxi door,I turn around,but she doesn't say anything else. I can read the relief on her face as clear as day,and it makes me heartsick. I don't know if it's wise or not to admit this to you,reader,but I think something in me knew that I had lost her finally. She was still here,still clutching me by my collar,but her head space was, and has always been with him. I suddenly felt contrite about ever meeting her. I would never go back to where I was but I'd like to go back before a time where loving her meant that I love pain. Sorry to be so morose. I really am trying my best not to let the negativity swallow me whole.

 

 

 

  When do you know? When is anyone ready for the end? It's coming and we all know it,and yet we stay. We let things break us down just so we feel alive but what really makes us dead is not knowing when to let go. You hold on so tightly even though you fall in love with the way that she looks at him. She might not ever look at you that way but you don't care because she says that she loves you and she thinks that she does. You feel it in your heart,you feel it in the warmth of your skin,but it's not her. It's you and your stupid need for..for what? Acceptance? Approval? Baby,I was lost before you and I will be lost after you but I am more lost without you and it doesn't make sense.

 

 

 

 _Nothing_ makes any sense.

 

 

 

  I get into the taxi before she can think of a reason to ask me to stay. I feel hot tears rolling down my face,and I hang my head so that nobody can see me. I am not ashamed of my emotions. I don't want anyone to see me before I can see myself. I seem to have lost him along the way. What a realization after winning an Academy Award. All over the world people are celebrating that they've found their leading actor while I sit in a taxi crying over my fucked up relationship. Excuse my language,readers. I told you I am trying to express myself and the only word I can come up with that expresses exactly how I am feeling is "Fucked". I am completely fucked,fucked,fucked,and not in the good way.

 

 

 

" Where to,mate?"

 

 

 

  I give the driver Benedict's address . I don't know why but I've been there a lot in the last couple months of my life and it's somewhere I feel comfortable. As we drive up,the windows are blackened,and the street is still. I pay my fare and bound up the steps. The sound my fist makes on the door startles an animal nearby. I sink down to the steps and watch it lurk out from behind a bin. I am on that step for well over an hour before Ben comes staggering up the street,his tie in his hand,his jacket slung casually over his shoulder.

 

 

 

"You look rough" I say,getting to my feet.

 

 

 

"I could say the same thing about you." he said. "Congratulations,by the way"

 

 

 

 

"It's funny. I don't feel like I've won anything"

 

 

 

   We stand around,our ears falling prey to the sounds of London splayed out around us. The air is thick,and tense.It is suffocating me. I sense that Benedict has no idea what to say to that,and so I spit out only what I have come here to say,and nothing else. Nothing else really matters.

 

 

 

"I want you to have her." I say. My words come out close together,and hard to hear. It sounds more like, "Iwantyoutohaveher"

 

 

 

"What?" he asks. "Come inside. I can't bloody concentrate with all of these sirens going off ,and I need a fucking aspirin for my head."

 

 

 

  I follow him inside of his flat. He walks around listlessly for awhile before plopping himself on the couch with a glass of water. His intoxication is wearing off. The harshness of the lamp beside him is lighting up the tired lines on his face,making him look less like the worlds sexiest man,and more like a man in love. I wonder what my own face looks like. Would I recognize myself? Would my face mirror his own?

 

 

 

"I heard you" Ben said. "Outside. I heard what you said."

 

 

 

"Well,what do you think?"

 

 

 

"I think it isn't your decision."

 

 

 

"I want to believe that,Ben. Because I love her" I said. "... but you are wrong. I am stepping away from this on my own."

 

 

 

"And why would you do a thing like that?"

 

 

 

"It doesn't matter.You can be happy now."

 

 

 

"Tom.."Ben exhaled. "It's not about that. I don't want her to want me because she can't have you. That being said, I don't want you to give up your chance. She'll choose you. You are the better man."

 

 

 

"Not for her"

 

 

 

"Well then why are you here and not her?" he asked,shrugging.

 

 

 

"Because she doesn't know it yet."

 

 

 

"Bullshit"

 

 

 

"Is it? You can't see it because you are always looking for a reason to destroy everything but she is yours."

 

 

 

"Where is this coming from,may I ask?"

 

 

 

"I'm not sure. I feel so strongly in my gut that I need to do the right thing and the right thing is to let her go .She was never mine to begin with. I should never have done what I've done but I think I needed her. She has this way about her that makes me feel safe,loved, important,and as if the whole world exists only in her arms"

 

 

 

"Yeah,I know that feeling very well"

 

 

 

"And you will know it for the rest of your life" I said

 

 

 

"Tom,stop." Ben said. "This isn't a pity party. That goes for me too. I am done being sad about it. If she wants me,she can come and get me. Until then,I can do nothing but live my life. I advise you to do the same. "

 

 

 

"So,you are giving up?"

 

 

 

"I am done waiting" he said with a tone of finalisation.

 

 

 

"But you love her!"

 

 

 

"Look at me. Look at you. Look at what we have become. Maggie too. We are all completely fucked."

 

 

 

_Fucked. Yes._

 

"But it doesn't have to be that way."

 

 

 

"That's for Mags to decide." he said." Until then I have to keep going on with or without her"

 

 

 

"I am telling her tomorrow that I am breaking up with her" I said.

 

 

 

"Don't do that"

 

 

 

"It's my choice."

 

 

"You will regret it,Tom"

 

 

 

"I regret many things in life and the very first one is pushing myself into your life. I have been the worst friend anyone could ever be. I stole your fiancee. I slept with her in front of you and never thought about how it made you feel" I said.

 

 

 

"That was my choice too"

 

 

 

"We don't get to choose,remember? "

 

 

 

"Tom,it would do us both good to...to.."

 

 

 

"Don't say it."

 

 

 

"I don't want to but...I can't..It's me or it's you and it's now or it's never...It's..fucked up but those are the choices." he said. "I can't wait any more than I already have. I want a family. It's time to ask yourself,Tom,what do you want?"

 

 

 

"Why do you care about what I want?"

 

 

 

"Because you are my friend and because we've hardly had a chance to talk alone in a really long time"

 

 

 

"I don't deserve your friendship"

 

 

 

Ben sighed. "Round and round we go. I am tired. It has been a long day. Can we talk about this another time?"

 

 

 

 

"It's all going to end tomorrow"

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry if I am being rude. I am at my end too,I think. There is only so much I can take,you know?"

 

 

 

 

I nodded.

 

 

 

"I mean it,Tom" he said. "Do what you want. I can't stop you but know that if it doesn't come from her,you won't want it. It just isn't worth it"

 

 

 

 

 

I placed my hand on his shoulder. Ben got up and hugged me goodbye. It felt good to know that no matter the outcome,our friendship would survive. It would never be the way that it was before Maggie,but if we can't grow in friendships,than we aren't really friends at all.

 

 

 

"Take care of yourself" he said,clapping my back.

 

 

 

"I will. You too."

 

 

 

  A light from a car shined through the windows of his flat. The light lit up his face,his glistening eyes,his false bravado. Ben was always a man of conviction but he can't hide from me. He will always wait for her,and maybe I might spend my life waiting for something like that too but it won't be for Maggie. As hard as it is to say,to write,the only thing I should be waiting for is myself. Maybe that is the point of the story all along.

 

 

 

The sight of lovers do feedeth those in love but none of that matters if you don't love yourself first.

 

 


	21. Mercy

   

  Dear Readers,

 

                  I beg of you to give me the answers. Tell me what it is that I am doing wrong. Please help me understand because my entire world is spinning off of this precipice and I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. Please just tell me.

 

                                                                                                                                                  -Maggie

 

 

 

 

 

 

  The taste of salt at the back of your throat. The symphony of sadness repeating over and over in your head. The way the little hairs stand up on your arms. That ice cold chill down your spine,and the shake that comes after you realise that you cannot go back. You'll try your hardest not to remember but you know you can never forget. It's written in the tears falling over your lips,and in the battered book filled with the scribblings of your mad life.

 

 

 

    There is nowhere in the world I would rather be than with him. I'd trade it all for just one lop-sided grin,one goofy dance,one touch that lights my skin on fire with every trace of his fingertips. Every time that boy sees me,I become a girl I never thought that I could be. I become someone I love,and when we are apart,I miss that other half of me like crazy.

 

 

 

Readers,I've been a lot of things since the start:

 

 

 

Selfish

 

Stupid

 

Foolish

 

Blind

 

 

   But I never stopped loving him.I'll need him forever. I feel this in every inch I surrender to him. I love him in the way that my mum loves my dad.Forget what I said before because I'd be happy to be just as we were. Him and I were never perfect but we were nothing short of a fairy tale and I want my Prince back.

 

 

 

  I remember when we had fallen in love. He played me a song on the piano,his slim fingers gliding over the smooth ivory keys. It was raining outside,and it was so typically romantic that we both enjoyed a laugh.I had suddenly felt like we were a part of our own movie.He,the handsome leading man,all pink lipped,and bad puns. Then there was me with my Fridays nights in,and mud facials. I felt ordinary.Hell,I am ordinary but when he looked at me,his fingers rising from those keys like a sigh in my chest,I have never felt more important in my life. I had never felt..more _loved,_  or as if someone's entire happiness rested solely on whether I looked at them the same way.

 

 

 

I did.

  
I could never quite look away.

 

 

 

   I know you all understand the look I am talking about here. It penetrates your high walls,your stiff,and stubborn legs.It melts you,intimidates you,and turns you on. That look forgives you for thinking you're anything less than ordinary.

 

 

 

You are perfect

  
You are amazing

  
You are loved and I love you

 

 

  I know I've speculated and repeated a lot of this story but there is no other way I know how to tell it. I write what I feel. I write what I think. I write what I think that I mean. I feign knowing it all but I've always known nothing. I don't have all of the answers. I want them. I need them,and if you have them please pass them on to others.You might not realize this but you have the power to change lives..but only if you change yours first.

 

 

 

  I'm so bloody stupid ( Don't think I don't know). I lived my life thinking that I wasn't the one to blame for my shitty job,my singledom,but who else can take the fault? My parents? My ex-best friend? The girl that folds the jumpers at Top Shop? If ever there is a wrinkle in your life, look at the one whose wearing the fucking jumper. You can ignore it or cry about it but it will only get worse. Instead, you can handle it,change it,fix it,and come out better,and brand new. It's such a simple thing,really. So,why am I here now with my life all in threads,and the love of my life refusing to speak with me?

 

 

 

  You would think that the ending of my story would be all cute,and forgiving ,but I fell for that too. I genuinely thought we would make it to a year,and my answer would be clear: I'd be happy. We would all walk away having learned something.However,the only thing I learned from this whole thing is that I am:

 

 

 

Selfish

 

Stupid

 

Foolish

 

Blind

 

 

 There are those four words again. They've engraved themselves onto my bone.They will glow for the world when it is ready to listen.

 

I am selfish because I wanted more.I wanted to fill in all of the parts that were missing by adding  another beating heart.

 

I am stupid because the only heartless part of the relationship was me. I held it in my hands,and I squeezed it until it broke. Then I left it for someone else to pick up.

 

I am foolish because not only did I allow Tom to pick up my own mess but I gave Benedict the broom. I gave up a beautiful life for something made of glued together shards. We're all left her bleeding now and it's because of yours truly.

 

I'm blind.No,I was blind but I'm not anymore. I have no right to be ignorant of the worlds I've created. I've no right to be angry,to be melancholic,and shattered.

 

 

I did this.

  
I made it this way.

  
I have to fix it.

  
And I tried.

If you take anything from this,know that I tried. I don't blame him. I blame myself. I blame that selfish,that stupid,that foolishly blind cow of a girl.

 

 

 

 

   Tom was there the next day. Tom was always there. I've never in my life met a man as caring and as selfless as him. He was there when I needed him,and always there waiting to help me back up should I fail. It was evident on his face when he dropped me off that he knew I was failing. It was hard for me to let him go,to pick my own self back up,and keep going. But I had to. I think it was over for a long time but we floated in this bliss that kept us from seeing anything past our own misgivings.

 

 

 

  I know I said I love Tom. I do. I love him for never giving up on me. I love him for being a happy face to wake up to. I am in love with everything he is,and even more for all he's done for me. He is a great man,and I've been lucky to call him mine. In another life, I would be his for the rest of my life.But my life wasn't mine until Ben walked into it and it is not mine to give away.

 

 

 

" I know why you're here" I said,opening my door to a distressed Tom.

 

 

 

"I'm truly sorry,Maggie"

 

 

 

"Don't be. I should be the one to say it."

 

 

 

"I'm not looking for an apology" he said. " I'm looking for the girl I first met,the same one that was head over heels for her fiance. Have you seen her lately?"

 

 

 

  Tom's voice was so soft,so calming,and sweet. His fingers circled my wrist. It soothed me and brought me back down to earth. In his eyes layed a kindness I've never witnessed before. It looked like acceptance,and to Tom,love is nothing without acceptance.

 

 

 

 I'll miss Tom forever. I'll dream of him when I least expect to. I'll see his face looking up at me from magazines,and I'll want badly to hear his key slide into my lock,or to taste his cherry lips. I'm human. Don't start judging me now if you've survived this long.I'll never love him like this again,Readers,My friends.I will love him as the man that brought clarity,and an overwhelming need for acceptance.

 

 

"Can we one day be friends?" Tom asked,hopefully. He said it as if I would possibly say NO, but I had been hoping for it much harder than him.

 

 

 

"I would honestly love nothing more" I told him and meant it.

 

 

 

 That was it. We didn't kiss. We did not fuck one last time. Tom dropped my wrist,held my eyes for a moment,smiled,and walked out of my life with the same swagger he had walked in with. In my indecency, I'll admit that I felt a twinge of regret watching him go because I had forgotten how to live without him.

 

 

 

_You'll try your hardest not to remember but you know you'll never forget._

 

 

 

**ONE WEEK LATER**

 

 

There was a tear in my dress.I kept playing with it so that it became wider,and more noticeable.I was a bundle of nerves,my sweaty fingers peeling away loose threads. I was literally undoing myself mentally and psychically.I couldn't stop.

 

 

 

   It felt like I didn't know him. It felt like I was meeting him for the first time,every time. Somehow this time felt a little different than all of the others ,for this was me in all of my truth,my wishes,and my hopes.I was not Tom's Maggie.I was not Benedict's Mags. I was just Maggie now. I had nothing to hide behind,and no clever retort could make these walls come back up. I might as well have been standing there nude on his doorstep for all of the world to see. I honestly felt like a little girl again,waiting for someone's approval. It will always be wrong of me to need someone's okay,but listen,I can only correct one character flaw at a time. This one seemed a little above all else.

 

 

 

  Benedict opened his door but not from hearing me knock. I hadn't knocked. I stood there for a long time silently praying that he could hear me begging for mercy behind his thick,wooden,door. A bag was casually slung across his strong shoulders,and headphones were stuck in his ears. He looked at me,his expression blank,his body still. The contrast between us was strange. I felt alive.I pulsated where I stood while Ben was emotionless,and unaffected by everything.It hit me quickly that it was I that had done this to him. In a few short months I had made a happy,lively,man into one with barely enough energy to pretend.

 

 

 

"Hi"I said as if we were two meeting strangers on the tube.

 

 

 

He removed his headphones and looked at me patiently. When I realized that he was waiting for me to speak,I said 'Hi' again but this time it came out raspy,and broken.

 

 

 

"Hello" Benedict said." I actually..I'm going to be late.I can't really talk right now"

 

 

 

"Oh"

 

 

 

"Yeah.Sorry.Uh,maybe another time?"

 

 

 

"S..sure" I stuttered. A million words were on my tongue fighting to get out. This was not the time. The time had past and the past hurt like a bitch.

 

 

 

"Okay. Great." he said. He put one ear bud back into his ear. "Can you move to the left a little? I really am going to be terribly late."

 

 

 

I didn't move so much as lean slightly.As he squeezed past,his body brushed against mine,and I swear I felt his fingers clasp gently around my tremoring fingers. It was so familiar,so beautiful that I could feel my seams unraveling.

 

 

 

_You can't fix what isn't there you stupid girl._

 

  Ben bounded down the steps in that adorable way he does. I walked slowly down behind him,counting the steps so I don't cry.It was very sobering knowing that I would be walking to my home while my real home was walking way from me.

 

 

 

" Mags?"

 

 

 

 Benedict came back towards me. My heart jumped into my throat. I got a tingly feeling all down my spine and nausea at the base of my throat. Half of me expected him coming back to be a sick joke played on me, while the other half of me was clutching at straws.

 

 

Love me.

  
Please say you still love me.

 

 

 

"Yes?" I asked.

 

 

 

      He opened his mouth to say something but shut it. Whatever the inner monologue in his head was saying,it made him look charming. How can you let someone go when you fall in love with them every time they look at you? Pain and confusion flashed across his features before finally settling on acceptance. There was a small lop-sided smile,and warmth on his face.It was enough to carry me home.

 

 

 

"Someday" he began. "Someday I will find you again and I will love you better than anyone ever can,anyone ever has,or anyone ever will"

 

 

 

Then,he turned,and left just like that. There was nothing I could say , and to be honest, I liked the loss of control. There was nothing I could do but accept that  I too believed in someday.


	22. Dear Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sad that it is over :'/

   Dear friends,

 

         If you are reading this it means that you are reading it from the back of my new book!!! Did you enjoy the story? Have you flipped all the way through thinking that it's over? Do you hate me? Maybe. Hopefully not. Well,I don't hate you,and that is all that matters in my life now. Life is so easily lived when you give in to just being happy and not caring what anyone thinks. Don't you agree?  
       Anyway,friends,this is not the end. I mean,it's your end,surely,because now you've got to live your lives without being involved in my drama. That should make you all happy,I think. I don't know. I quite liked talking to you all.I would like to thank you for that,whomever you may be. I know that listening is hard especially with a gloomy old cow like myself.I'll miss you greatly as I embark on my new adventures. Long after you've chucked this book into the bin ,I will still be here,and I won't have you to think about when I fail. But,you know,I won't fail. I've learned my lesson.  
Have you learned yours?

 

 

 

1\. Always love yourself first. Always.

 

2.Appreciate the good people in your life,the friends with your best interests at heart (I love you,Greg!),and your mum and dad who will accept you even if you might be a dick.

 

3.Never fall in love twice (Yeah,alright,don't roll your eyes)

 

4.If you want your dreams,go get them. Never wait!

 

 

And lastly, (insert drum roll please)

 

 

5.BE HAPPY. It's as simple as that.

 

 

Okay,well,I've got to go. I'm shooting a movie (A movie! I know! Who would have thought???) and they need me on set. Honestly,how did my life end up here? I am starting to think that maybe Shakespeare was right,and that it's only up to us,and us alone.

 

                                                                                                                                                                              Love,Maggie <3

 

 

 

 

THREE YEARS LATER

 

 

 

"It's not fitting"

 

 

 

"Are you pregnant?"

 

 

"Ha fucking Ha,Luke. I haven't been with anyone in months.I'd sooner date my cat than go out with the men that approach me. Have you any idea how frustrating it is to find someone that doesn't use you for publicity?" I asked, stepping out from behind the curtain.

 

 

"Oh My God,you're so fucking hysterical" Luke said,not even cracking a smile "You're so clever. I'm your publicist. So funny. It's almost as funny as your love life."

 

 

I swatted Luke with a clutch. "What do you think of this dress?"

 

 

"Well,it's not ugly" Luke said,honestly.

 

 

"But how do I look?"

 

 

Luke shrugged. "As your publicist,I'm inclined to say that you look lovely because we are late ,as always, but as your friend,Maggie,it looks hideous."

 

 

   I looked down at the tight,satin,black dress.It was knee length with lace(and extremely itchy) sleeves that ended just above my wrist. My newly shorned hair, curled into the nape of my neck,and blended in with the vampire-like design of the outfit.

 

 

"I feel like Elvira" I said. The satin tightened over my belly as I giggled.It rippled in an unflattering way. "Luke,what am I going to do? I can't go on stage looking like I've been stuffed into a sausage casing"

 

 

"I told you to wear the gold one" he said

 

 

"But it's backless"

 

 

"It's sexy. Do you really want the first time he sees you to be forever remembered as the day you looked like a breakfast meat?"

 

 

"No"I slumped down into a chair.

 

 

"It's the Academy Awards,Mags.It's a social setting with a lot of pressure.You're presenting leading actor to a slew of men and one happens to be Benedict. You want to look like the award,like the very thing he's wanted to win all of his life" Luke said.

 

 

"It's been three years,Luke..."

 

 

"Are you scared?" he asked. "You're my best friend in the world but you can be quite daft sometimes."

 

 

"I don't see the point in getting hopeful if I'm going to walk away alone"

 

 

"He said 'Someday'.Did he not?"

 

 

"Yes and one assumes 'Someday' is months..maybe a year down the road. Not three years.We are both very different people now,Luke.I travel all of the time.I have a cat that loves me very much,and besides,the last I read about him he was off snogging some blonde in Majorca.It's changed" I said

 

 

"The only thing that's changed is your intelligence level"

 

 

"Hey!" I said,swatting him again.

 

 

Luke laughed. " I agree that you are different. You're kinder,more friendly,happier. I've been your mate for three years now and your publicist for two.You're probably the sweetest person anyone's ever worked with,and they know it. And if you think he isn't reading about you dating every Tom,Dick,and Harry..sorry..poor choice of names...The point is,is that he's not a fool. He's probably sat around waiting for you. Now,put on the gold fucking dress,you star,and let's go"

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

"Are you sure that I look okay?" I whispered to Luke as soon as we hit the red carpet.

 

 

 

"Shut up and smile. Everyone is watching."

 

 

 

   I was never sure about the spotlight. But it found me in my worst of times, and shined so brightly that my life couldn't possibly go any other way. Was this my destiny all along? I wanted to be an actor when I was small though I never thought it would actually come to fruition. You start to think that people won't like you because of your flaws, but this world is flawed as it is ,and no one likes a success story better than broken people.

 

 

 

   Happiness came later in life for me when I could accepted the things I couldn't change.Sorry to go all Ghandi on you, but it's true. Nothing feels better than finally being comfortable with your own self just as you are. Your body feels better,you speak more kindly towards others,you love a lot deeper,and people respond to that. I thought for sure that three years ago I'd have been treated as a social pariah in the press ,but things turned out really well. They turned out better than I deserve,actually. I've made my amends ,and I am finally free of all of the bullshit.

 

 

 

"Are you okay? You're shaking,Mags" I heard Luke say from somewhere behind me. "Stand up straighter,Maggie. Let him see you"

 

 

 

 

   I stood up straighter,sticking my chest,and my ass out. The dress reflected off of the camera flashes in a really beautiful way. I was petrified about wearing something so slinky, with my cleavage all out,and a low cut back but it clung to my body like a second skin. My hair fell onto my bare collarbones,and cascaded over a beautiful pendant that dipped between my breasts.

 

 

 

  I was smiling for the cameras,and crowds,when I realised what Luke said to me. Those four words sent shivers up my spine. They made my breath catch in my throat. Ladies,when you find someone whose very thought does this to your body,never let them go.

 

 

 

_Let him see you_

 

Let.Him.See.You

 

 

   My head turned to the right. I felt the tiny hairs on my neck stand on edge. I felt my nipples harden beneath the fabric. My body was aching,begging,vibrating,and I'm sure the cameras documented the moment. I turned ever so slightly once more and I saw him in full view. A sea of people were milling about,shouting for hairspray,or a needle,and thread.He stood there still,the only one looking at me. He looked great,a little older,but just as gorgeous as ever. He smiled and his face transformed into a little boys on Christmas day. Then,he was swallowed up by all of the people,and I couldn't see him anymore.

 

 

 

I felt Luke's hand at my back,gently pushing me on. People were shouting my name:fans,photographers,and reporters but I was so far gone. He had taken me with him yet again. 

 

  

 

"Calm" Luke said. "The press are amused. They've managed to snap pictures of you and Ben standing thirty feet apart staring at each other" 

 

 

 

"I don't care"

 

 

 

"I don't except you do.Are you alright?"

 

 

 

"Yes. I'm just shaken up. Did you see him?"

 

 

 

"I did." he said." Okay,well,let's pull ourselves together,shall we? You have to present this award,and believe me,he is definitely winning this time."

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"How are you holding up? You look like you might pass out" Simon Pegg asked,his kind eyes calming me down instantly.

 

 

 

 

"Just nervous,Thanks" I said,touching his arm. "I've never presented an award before"

 

 

 

"Is that really why you're nervous?" Simon asked,a smirk on his face.

 

 

 

 

"Is it that obvious?"

 

 

 

 

"No" he said. "But I've seen that same face on him from time to time."

 

 

 

 

"What?"

 

 

 

 

"You look surprised " he laughed. "He loves you. For fuck's sake he never shuts up about you. But anyway,we're being announced"

 

 

 

 

   Simon linked his arm through mine. I didn't have enough time to respond before he led us both on stage amid a soft round of applause. I slapped a smile on my face,clasped my hands together,and took a sincere,deep breath. The audience was massive. I could feel their eyes on me,some asking themselves who I was,and others knowing full well about me.I was everyone's favourite mistake to talk about.

 

 

 

"Hello" Simon spoke into the mic. "We are here to present the award for leading actor or something like that. The category this year is so monumental in size,and in talent,that they asked someone equally talented to present this...me."

 

 

 

  The audience laughed. I stood there for a beat too long before I realised that it was my turn to speak. My knees were knocking together under my dress as I opened my mouth and said, "Yes, Simon. It's so interesting that they've sent us to present an award so prestigious,and which countless men have accepted before even though that neither of us are actually men."

 

 

 

 

   Simon covered his heart jokingly as if I'd stabbed him with my comeback. I'll admit that he took away some of my nerves as the audience responded well to our light-hearted banter. It was then that I saw Benedict rows from the stage. He was laughing,and his eyes were twinkling as they found mine.

 

 

 

 

"And the nominees are" Simon said,gesturing to the big screen held above the stage. While the nominees played,I felt a thick gold envelope slip into my hands. This could have played out two ways:He could not win,and I'd be reminded of the worst night of my life or he could win,come up here,and I would fall hopelessly in love with him all over again. I am not sure which outcome I was scared of more:Winning or Losing.

 

 

 

 

 

"And the award goes to...." Simon started. "Maggie,if you could just open up the envelope now."

 

 

 

 

I slid my sweaty fingers underneath the sticker holding the results closed. I slowly opened up the flaps and peered down at the name before me.

 

 

 

 

"Benedict Cumberbatch" I said,my voice not quite sounding like my own.

 

 

 

  There was a huge round of applause that hurt my ears. Simon was beside me whooping and hollering for his friend. The camera panned to Ben's shocked and humble reaction. He rose out of his seat,hugging the people beside him,and jogged up the steps like a ball of energy. He came at us in slow motion it seemed,his eyes glistening with tears. He hugged Simon first and then me. His whole body tensed as I wrapped my arms around him. We were pressed so closely together that I could feel all of the familiar things that always made me smile. He planted a wet kiss on my cheek before accepting the award from Simon,and stepping up to the mic.

 

 

 

 

"Ummm. Thank you" Ben said. "I'm not really sure what else to say.I guess I'll just thank a bunch of people who have made this movie what it was which is ,undoubtedly ,the reason why I'm standing up here right now......................"

 

 

 

 

  Ben waffled on until the music started to play. Instead of exiting politely,he grabbed a hold of the microphone ,and spoke louder. His eyes went to the people in the top balcony while he pressed his hand across his chest where his heart rested beneath.

 

 

 

 

"I'd also like to thank my girl,my best friend,and the very reason for everything good in my life. I love you more than anything in this world.Thank you" Benedict said.

 

 

 

_Oh._

_My girl._

_Of course._

_Why would anyone wait for me?_

 

 

   Before I knew what was happening,we were being herded off stage. I felt Ben close behind me,his eyes climbing my bare skin,but I didn't even turn around to congratulate him. I rushed off as soon as no one could see me. I lost myself in the crowd. He shouldn't ever look at me like that if he had someone else waiting in the wings. I want to say that it isn't fair but look at what I have done to him. Look at what I have done to us.Look at what I have done to myself.

 

 

 

"Maggie!" Luke yelled,running after me. "Where are you going?"

 

 

 

 

"You didn't tell me he has a girlfriend. I feel like such an idiot" I said,trying to run faster in my heels.

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know"

 

 

 

 

"I wasn't hopeful before this,Luke,but seeing him...and now..I'm just..I am not that girl anymore. I left her behind years ago."

 

 

 

 

"So,what now? Why don't you fight for him?"

 

 

 

 

"I have to move on"

 

 

 

 

"He fought for you!" Luke shouted as I weaved in and out of people. I stopped.

 

 

 

 

 

"He doesn't want me,Luke. I can't wait like this anymore.It's over."

 

 

 

 

"Mags..."

 

 

 

 

"Stop calling me that." I said." And please stop following me. I want to be alone."

 

 

 

 

"Are you coming to The Governor's Ball? You have commitments!" Luke called.

 

 

 

 

"Yeah,whatever. I'll be there" I said before disappearing entirely.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

" Fuck!" I yelled,digging in my clutch. It was freezing and the entrance to The Governor's Ball was empty except for two burly bouncers watching a half naked English girl rummaging around for a ticket. "It's got to be here somewhere. I know I put it in here."

 

 

 

 

"We can't let you in without a ticket,ma'm" one of them said.

 

 

 

 

"I know. I know. I have one.I promise. I think my publicist might have it" I said. "Can't I just..?"

 

 

 

 

"No.Sorry" The sympathetic of the two said. "It's the way things go."

 

 

 

 

"I am so tired of 'The ways things go'" I muttered. "What does that even mean? Because how they are supposed to go and how they actually are going happen to be two _very_ different things. Do you know that I am talking about?"

 

 

 

 

"No. Ma'm,you cannot come in with out a-"

 

 

 

 

"-I bloody know!" I shouted. "I am very aware how fucking much my life sucks so don't look at me like that.Okay?"

 

 

 

 

"Okay. Ma'm,you might need to step away "

 

 

 

 

"Fucking hell" I said. "I just want to get drunk"

 

 

 

 

The other bouncer looked at me with pity and said," I know it's hard being excluded from the great things in life.Standing out here looking in while everyone else has what you want. Look,are you someone's plus one? Maybe there is something I can do."

 

 

 

 

"No" I sighed. "I am not someone's plus one..I'm-"

 

 

 

 

"-My plus one" Benedict said,strolling out of the party. "She's with me. She's mine."

 

 

 

 

"I'm not his" I said,unconvincingly. I began backing away from the entrance,from Benedict,and the stupid bouncers with their stupid pity. But Benedict closed the gap between us in one giant step. He grabbed the back of my head,slipped his fingers into my hair and tilted my head up to kiss me.

 

 

 

 

 

"Wait" I said,pulling away from him. "You have a girlfriend."

 

 

 

 

His brow furrowed in confusion but then an easy smile relaxed his whole face. He hugged me tightly to him so that my face buried into his neck. He smelled so good that I closed my eyes ,and nearly fell asleep.Who needed alcohol to get drunk when this man intoxicated me with his smell,his touch,and that fucking smile.

 

 

 

"I don't have anyone" he said after some time.

 

 

 

 

"But on stage you said.."

 

 

 

 

"I know what I said,Mags." he said taking my face in his hands. "I was talking about you. It's always been about you."

 

 

 

 

"Marry me" I blurted out. I clapped a hand to my mouth which made him chuckle.He removed it,and smiled hugely.

 

 

 

"Whoa.It's been three years. You don't want to start over?" he asked.

 

 

 

 

"Nothing was ever over for me" I said. "You're not the kind of man a woman can get over"

 

 

 

 

"Oh yeah?" he asked. "And what kind of man does that make me?"

 

 

 

"That makes you my man" I said.

 

 

 

  Benedict kissed me warmly on the mouth. My wobbly knees gave out but he caught me and brought me back up to his lips. When he let me go,I clung to him desperately,my hand finding his straight away. Our eyes met and for an instant it felt like the very first time we met,just as electrically charged,and as beautiful . This was never a story about Tom and me ,or Tom and anyone else. The story was always ours and that is how it should have always been. I know now that this is how it is always going to be.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh,and one last thing........

 

 

  You can safely assume that Ben and I got back together. We tried taking it slow but found that we were actually ready to do this life thing. We knew what we both wanted and there wasn't any point in waiting any longer. We're engaged now and by the time this book hits shelves we'll be married. I imagine it must be weird being someone's wife but I am looking forward to it. I did ask him to marry me,after all. I don't know what the future holds. Does anyone at all? We want lasting careers,we want children,and a dog. Mostly,we just want to be together. We will. There isn't anywhere else I would rather be.

 

                                                                                                                                                                 -Maggie <3

 

 

 

Do I really have to write something,Mags?  
No one cares about what I have to say. Like everyone in this world,I hang onto your every word.  
What's next for me?  
Being happy. I have what I need now. I've got my good book,and I am surrounded by the people that I love.

 

                                                                                                                                                                    -BC

 

 

 

I got a letter in the post about writing something to close Maggie's book. I don't have much to say other than that I am truly happy and extremely thankful.  
Oh,and I live by my own words now.So,suck it,Shakespeare.

 

                                                                                                                                                                   Love,Tom


End file.
